


Heat of the Moment

by TaylorCee591



Series: Perfect Lover [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: ABO, Alpha Castiel (Supernatural), Alpha Castiel/Omega Dean Winchester, Alpha Charlie Bradbury, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Beta Sam, Beta Sam Winchester, M/M, Omega Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-09-27 23:49:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 55,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10057472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaylorCee591/pseuds/TaylorCee591
Summary: Dean's now in his twenties and he and his brother have settled down in the hunter lifestyle their father wanted and they're not the only ones: they have a whole family they bounty-hunt with - each with their own reasons. When Dean's got a case and a gun on his hip everything is simple but behind that pout of his Dean is one messed up guy who started out as a messed up kid. He might think that the past is behind him but one pit-stop is about to unravel everything - and not just for him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *Spongebob voice*: Six years later!

Dean got out of his car, closing the door behind him and started putting gas in the tank. He looked at his baby brother asleep on the backseat. He was folded up, too big now for the places he’d curled into as a kid - hell he'd barely fit back then - but that didn’t stop him. He let himself smile a little. They’d just finished a job and, no matter how hard it all felt, when he saw that the bastard was behind bars again _and_ his brother was okay, it was all worth it.

He dropped his badge on the ground as he was pulling the pump from the gas tank and looked at it as he put the pump back, as if he were too worried to let it out of his sight before he could reclaim it. He picked it up and shoved it into his back pocket – which Sam would tell him would just mean it’d fall out again but what did he know – and as he did so his coat moved to reveal his badge on his hip. It was gold and had the words FUGITIVE RECOVERY AGENT in black inlay, as well as the scales of justice and an eagle at the top. He pulled his coat where it got stuck – and always did – on his handcuffs and walked into the shop.

He walked around, grabbing some things – pie, a sixer of beer, some stupid salad for Sam – and headed to the cash desk. He was browsing the candy while he waited in line, he picked up a pack of _Red Vines_.

"Good luck," the man said to his customer who gave him a strange look and left.

Dean froze.

"Nex-" Dean stepped forward and the man's smile fell. "-t." Dean struggled to put the things down on the counter and then the man busied himself ringing them up and shoving them in a bag. "Any gas today?" the man asked as if the sheer sight of Dean hadn’t made him stumble over his word. Not even plural, just one.

Dean was too busy looking over him. Those nights six years ago were singed into his brain like third degree burns. He had barely changed at all and yet he looked so different. 

"Pump 15…" Dean said and looked to the man's name badge. "Steve."

The man nodded and started selecting options on his screen, his vision blurring as he felt dizzy.

Dean began to question himself, was it him? He knew that man's name like he knew what his breathing sounded like reacting to a heat. His heat. His first heat.

The last heat he’d ever had.

"That's fifty-three dollars and four cents, please," the man said and held his hand out without giving him eye contact as Dean held out fifty-five dollars in notes. "Thank you." He brushed Cas’ hand as he did and the man twitched back, as if he expected the contact to hurt.

"No problem," Dean said.

"One dollar and ninety-six cents change," he said and dropped it into Dean's hand, Dean heard him exhale through his nose hard while he tried not to touch him. Dean didn’t hear the lists of Kansas towns he was reciting in his head.

"Thanks," he said, took the bag and walked to the door, the beer bottles clinked as he walked. 

He had imagined it? It _was_ a long time ago. He didn't know this Steve, he knew Castiel. He was wrong.

The man, whose jaw was now so tight he could have bitten through steel, looked to the _Red Vines_ , he'd remembered ringing them up but forgot to put them in the bag.

"Oh, Dean, you forgot-" He froze when Dean did.

Dean turned his head to look at him and Cas inhaled hard and held out the _Red Vines_. "I forgot to put these in the bag," he said, pausing before adding, “sir.”

Dean reached out, taking a step towards the desk again and took them. "Thanks,” he said as his hand curled around them and the packet crunched under the hold. "Cas," he added.

Cas looked at him and watched him walk away out of the door, not looking back as he walked to a black car where a tall man with long hair was leaning on the passenger side, waiting for Dean and then they both got in, Dean driving, after Dean confirmed that he’d got the man’s salad.

The minute Dean opened his door his eyes moved to Cas' and they didn't move until the car turned out of the Gas 'N' Sip.

Cas exhaled and looked down, wiling the memories to go. He thought about the man with the long hair, imagined them together. He screwed his eyes shut and shook his head hard. “Stop it,” he said quietly to himself. He could hear exactly what his brother would say.

“Of all the gas stations in all the towns in all the world, he had to walk into mine,” Gabriel said, almost in Cas’ ear. “Right, bro?”

“Shut up,” Cas said to himself and saw Gabriel just smirk at him. He wished he hadn’t ran away all those years ago, maybe he’d even let him say these things now if he would just walk back into his life.

Cas sighed, too many feelings in one go. He opened his eyes when the doors opened again and forced a smile onto his face. Now Dean was gone- He still couldn’t believe that was him, he looked almost exactly the same. Now he was gone Cas could think again, it was just a shock that’s all. He’d never been here before and he wouldn’t be back, not after the way Cas treated him all those years ago. Cas swallowed hard as his smile fell and he looked out onto the forecourt, half-expecting the car to still be there. But it wasn’t.

>><< 

"What's going on with you?" Sam asked Dean the next day as they sat stationary in their car.

"What?" Dean asked in response, Sam rudely bringing him out of his thoughts, his replay of that second night six years ago.

"You’ve been weird all day and yesterday. Is your heat coming up? You get weird around your heat," Sam said, he had his cellphone in hand and had been telling Dean about a case he’d picked up, one he’d do without Dean. They had different specialties in their work and, although they sometimes paired up, this one Sam would do alone or with more of – what Dean called – the droper-ropers.

"No," Dean said. "And I do _not_."

"You do, it's those tablets, I told you."

"And I told you leave me alone, it's _my_ body," Dean snapped, barely taking his eyes from in front of him.

"You still won't tell me why," Sam complained.

"Because it's my body, I don't tell you how to treat yours," Dean said. "I'll take them for as long as I want."

"Yeah, and Dr Braeden told you what could happen if you don't stop them, they're seriously harming you."

"Yeah, so what?" Dean muttered, having heard this a hundred times from Sam over the years.

"So what?” Sam’s eyebrows lifted for a second and then came together tight as he looked at his brother. “Dean, you're not supposed to suppress your heat for over six months you've been doing it for six _years_!"

"I'm aware," Dean said. "It's fine."

"Fine? All you have to do is give your body a break for a few months a year-" Sam gestured by rolling his free hand in the air.

"I don't want to," Dean said.

"Just take a month off, call the number she gave you, get an alpha to help you through it-"

"Sam, would you just stop!" Dean shouted. "I don't like it-"

"What?"

"Being in heat-" Dean’s teeth clenched at the back.

"You only did it once-"

"And I didn't like it," Dean said.

"What happened?" Dean groaned in frustration at finding himself having this conversation again. "I know something happened. Were you-” Sam hesitated but swallowed and asked, “Were you raped?"

"No," Dean said, knowing how close he’d come to that being the case.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of," Sam persisted.

Dean had never told Sam the whole story of that night, even during the court case, or afterwards and his father had never asked. Bobby had, once, but when Dean had deflected aggressively he’d just told him that if he changed his mind he knew where he was, and never asked again. Sam however, was not as easy to silence. And the way Dean was feeling right then he knew he’d either scream and walk away, never seeing his brother again just to avoid having to go through this over and over, or tell him everything. He wasn’t sure which would be worse. But after seeing Cas again he felt like he was seventeen once more and everything was right at the surface. Maybe he _was_ close to his heat. He might take tablets to suppress it but he could always tell by the change in his behavior when it should have been.

"Nothing happened, Sam! I went into heat, it was hell, I didn't like it, I didn't want to do it again and I haven't. Problem solved."

"You won't be able to have kids," Sam said, somewhere between agitated and mournful. Dean was quiet. "That's what you'll do to yourself. Permanently."

There was a beat before Dean said, "Good."

"Who got you through that first heat?" Sam asked, not letting it drop this time. He just wanted to know, he needed to know if there was more to this than Dean let on. He’d suppressed for six years, surely it wasn’t because of one court case, although Sam knew it was more complicated than that. But he couldn’t help hearing that voice in the back of his head; the one that reminded Sam that his brother exclusively went after sex offenders. There had to be a reason and maybe it was more than he’d said before.

" _I_ did," Dean said.

"No, I mean what alpha because you stopped talking to Benny after that, was it him?"

"It was supposed to be," Dean said. "But I never showed. I found out later that that's the night he-" He stopped. “That’s why I stopped talking to him.” Dean felt sick talking about it, he didn’t even know why he was.

Sam looked ahead. "Do you think he would have? To you?"

Dean slowly nodded. "Alphas are base, inhuman, animal-" He swallowed. "Monsters."

"Not all alphas do that, Dean. Rape isn't an alpha instinct."

"Seems to be a common trait though," Dean added. 

"So, who was it?" Sam asked, noting that his brother hadn’t looked at him the entire time they had been sat there, and he wasn’t even sure why they still were. He'd gone to the window and paid himself - Dean'd refused - so they were ready to go but Dean had just sat there and stared ahead.

"I told you, me," Dean said. 

Sam paused. "Wait. Dean, are you-? Are you a virgin?"

Dean finally looked to his brother. “Yes,” he said. "And I aim to stay that way."

"Not even with a beta or another omega?"

"The idea-" Dean rushed, looking ahead again, and then swallowed. "-of becoming so needy and weak... Makes me want to hurl."

"Why?" Sam asked.

"Look Sam, okay? You don't know what it's like. I was just a kid, experiencing something new and terrifying, alone. I attracted attention, I was-" He stopped.

Sam looked ahead. "I knew something happened."

"No-" 

"It'll be okay, Dean, we'll get you help-"

"Sam-" he warned.

"Therapy-"

"Sam-"

"The police-"

"Sam!" Dean shouted, his voice base and genuinely angry, looking to the side, in Sam’s direction but again not at him. "Nothing happened."

Sam tried to be soft, appeasing, when he said, "Dean-"

Dean snapped his head to look right in his brother’s eyes. "Nothing happened because someone stopped it before it could. Alright? A- Another alpha. I-" Dean clamped his mouth shut and exhaled hard through his nose, not opening his mouth in fear something would come tumbling out, whatever it was he had no idea. Sam turned towards his brother confused. He tightened his eyes while his stomach seemed to pull itself inward.

Dean’s head was swimming; he’d never talked about this with Sam before, never let him get so close to what happened before but the sight of Cas again had totally knocked him off the road and he’d been there ever since. He felt like he was reliving it, like it was all happening right in front of him and his mouth seemed to either be leading the memory of just providing a running commentary. Either way, Dean was inadvertently telling Sam the story he’d been keeping to himself all this time.

"I wa..." He trailed off as his stomach suddenly rolled then calmed a little again. "I was supposed to meet Benny, I was on my way but I got kinda lost, I’d never been on that side of town before. I went down the wrong alley and three alphas jumped on me. But then this guy came out of nowhere, pretending I was his."

"Why? Who was it?"

"I don't know, I don't- I don't know.” Dean looked ahead, through the windshield. “We got in his car and he offered to drop me off anywhere I wanted but I didn't have anywhere so I went to his house. I stayed for a night-" Dean shook his head. "He didn't come near me. He wanted to, I could tell but he didn't."

"So, what happened?" Sam asked and watched Dean slowly look to the side, away from Sam, as if he might escape through the open side window.

For some reason he continued, it was like tearing a tiny whole in a balloon; it hadn’t popped but it was losing air and there was no way to stop it now. "The second night was bad I was a mess, I- I needed it to stop and he was the only person I wanted to make that happen. He- He almost gave in." Dean shook his head again, his lips pursed closed. The embarrassment was just as strong then as it had been in the moment, he felt like such an idiot. "I made such a fool of myself."

"You went to him?" Dean nodded. "But he didn't-?"

Dean shook his head.

"Maybe he wasn't into guys?" Sam said.

"He was," Dean said. "He wouldn't give in because he said I didn't really want it. Him. I just wanted the heat to go." Dean looked down.

"Was he right?" Sam asked.

"I don't know-" Dean said. "I didn't have a chance to find out, be around him without my heat. I was so embarrassed I waited until he was asleep and I left." Dean exhaled, feeling weird at having finally admitted the full story to Sam but there was something about being where they were parked that made him do it.

"And that's why you never wanted another heat? Because one guy blew you off?"

"No, Sam. The way the alphas were, then add in what Benny did that night- I trusted him, I was going to let him t- touch me like that. The idea of being touched made me feel sick the minute those alphas had me against the wall."

"But you went to that guy?"

"He wouldn't," Dean said, shaking his head and staring ahead. "He's the only alpha- person who I'd let touch me like that. Because the minute the suggestion of no entered my mind he'd pull away. With him it'd feel like sex, not heat."

"You _would_?" Sam asked and Dean looked at him. "You said 'he's the only person I'd let touch me'. That's present tense."

Dean looked ahead. "I didn't mean it like that." He turned the engine on.

"Who is he?" Sam asked.

Dean looked through the windshield into the gas station window where 'Steve' was serving as he put the car in gear. "He's just a ghost," Dean said and looked at his brother. "A missed chance. Forget him. You wanted to know what happened so I finally told you."

"If you found him maybe-"

"No," Dean said. "It's been too long." He pulled out of the garage. 

>><< 

Cas still lived in the same house in the same street as he had all of those years ago. The street lamp outside still didn't work and it was still the only one. All the neighbors in the street were the same except where partners or relatives had moved in, pets had been adopted and kids born. All of their lives seemed to have changed - with perhaps the exception of Mr Jacobi and his dog - while Cas' stayed the same. He'd repainted his house, outside and in, and built a garage, by hand, to stand at the end of his drive but the decoration was just a refresh of what he'd already had and the garage never held the car. 

Cas was in his bed asleep, his blinds pulled down and the room in darkness. Even his bedroom hadn't even been changed around. However, while his mattress may have a been a few years old, his dream was definitely a new one. At least since he got the mattress.

He wasn't even aware he was dreaming when his bedroom door opened but he wasn't startled by this as one who lives alone should be.

A figure moved to the bed, it crawled over him and he hummed contently as it settled, straddling him.

"Where you been?" Cas asked. "It's been cold without you."

The figure didn't answer but kissed him. Cas hummed and lifted his left hand to cup the figure’s head and pull him in. 

"Please-" the figure said in the same tone Cas had first heard it. "Please Cas, fuck me," the voice said.

"Yes," Cas whispered and rolled the figure on the bed, pulling his towel off and the figure untying his pajama bottoms. "You want to?"

"You know I do," the figure said.

Cas grunted and the figure pushed his pajamas and underwear down, just over the curve of his buttocks. Cas thrust into him, feeling the fluid and heat. They both groaned. "You're so wet already, didn't you just shower?"

"It's what it does to me," the figure said, hands suddenly pulling at Cas like he couldn't help himself. Some movements pulling him in, some pushing him away.

"Wait-" Cas said.

"Stop," the figure said. "Don't stop, Cas, don't- Please, don’t-" His voice was strained and desperate but also laced with fear, as if its source didn't know what he wanted.

"Dean," Cas said, feeling panicked. "Are you on your heat?" He started to pull away. "Dean, no-"

Dean's legs wrapped around his waist. "Cas, need you- Don't want-" He moaned. " _Need_."

"Dean, stop it, I-" He moaned. "Dean, I need to stop."

"Need-" Dean repeated, pulling his head towards him. "Cas, give me what I need-"

Cas pulled his hands away and pushed them into the bed, he looked at Dean. He looked afraid but his hips were rolling, searching for what he needed.

"You're an alpha," Dean said, the muscles in his neck pulled tight as if they might snap. "Act like one, _take_ me-"

"You don't want it," Cas said.

"Since when did that matter to an alpha?" Dean asked and bared his neck.

Cas slowly leaned down and inhaled as he ran his nose up Dean's neck. Then he couldn't back out, he gave in with a growl.

Cas woke with a start. He was on his front and realized he was grinding into the bed, he pushed himself up onto all fours and let himself breathe heavily into the stifling room. His skin was coated in sweat, as were his sheets.

 

Dean, across town, was in a twin motel room with his brother. He remembered the night he'd had his last heat. He remembered going to the nearest bus station and locking himself in a toilet cubicle. He’d stayed there for the next four days; washed in the sink, drank from the sink and was too afraid to come out for food. He’d gone to a doctor two weeks later and was given his suppressors, he was ashamed to admit that he’d let the doctor infer that he'd been attacked even though he’d never said anything like it. He was just so scared.

Then and now.

 

His brother was reluctant to leave him the next morning so Dean left him instead, they both had different jobs to get to and Dean had to get away from his brother’s looks. It was a mistake, he knew, telling Sam the real story and he hated himself for it; he looked at him differently now, like something to be protected and pitied. When he got in the car he could barely hear his music for the thoughts running through his head. It was constant, like an overwhelming drumbeat. Even after he’d captured the sonfoabitch and brought him to the bondsman he didn’t feel any better and he took a job straight off the guy’s table, not even stopping for lunch.

He continued like that for days, he captured twenty-six fugitives from bail. He’d eaten maybe four or five full meals and drank enough scotch for two people. Sam tried calling him, as did Ash and Aaron and Ellen. Even Kevin gave him a call, most probably as a favor to Sam. He ignored them all.

Every night he woke up in his different motel rooms sweating and as hard as he’d ever been. The last night he woke up and the party was already over. As he cleaned his own mess from his stomach he looked in the mirror - passed the smears and splash-backs of substances that Dean did not want to know about - to his own face. He heard his own words all of those years ago, the way he’d begged Cas to take him. He closed his eyes as a tear ran down it, he’d begged like in those pornos, he’d begged like Benny had told him he would.

The next morning Dean took a job on the far east coast and stayed out that way for another few days. Every night he’d crawl into a bottle and use it to get to sleep, each time hoping that he’d be too smashed to dream. And being proved wrong with an inhale as he opened his eyes and looked down.

When he got back into town it didn’t matter what he was doing, whether it was a job or errand or just driving around he always ended up on the same road. Sam had tried to talk to him about it all nearly every chance he'd got and Dean felt like he was going crazy. Everywhere he went he saw couples in heat, down alleyways or in cars, running out of stores to get somewhere private. He saw men and women in obvious discomfort being helped away from other people, omegas being defended by alphas against other alphas. Every time he passed a bakery a sweet aroma hit him and he had to walk quickly away because, no matter how long it had been, Dean knew that smell of his like the back of his hand. It wasn’t the smell that seemed to follow him but it was along the same lines: sugary and tempting.

 

In the end however, Dean couldn't seem to stay away from that garage. Two weeks after he’d first pulled in there and saw Cas for the first time in six years Sam was hunting on his own and Dean was outside the garage in his car. He’d just wanted to see him again, and he didn't know why. He just wanted to talk to him and he knew it was a stupid idea but what else could he do, he’d tried to get on with things and just pretend it hadn’t happened but that hadn’t even _nearly_ worked.

So, against his better judgement, he went inside anyway, the place was empty and Cas was trying to fill the slushie machine, and failing. Dean couldn't help but smile at him, the brief idea that he was adorable floating through his mind. He looked around quickly to see if there were customers before he headed towards him.

Cas’ nostrils flared and he inhaled that smell, he knew that smell better than anything in the world. He’d subconsciously looked for it for weeks after Dean had left his house. His head moved to the person who he’d heard just come in and his face drained of color. Not only had Dean come back, he’d done it while on his heat. He couldn’t believe it, he wasn’t ready to deal with this. Dean noticed that he looked tired and Cas would have told him that he’d barely slept since they saw each other last if he could have thought enough to open his mouth and vocalize it.

"Heya Cas," Dean said, softly.

"Dean, uh-" Cas said, using a rag to wipe his hands as Dean approached him, and he turned to face him completely, looking at the slushie as it dripped onto the floor, bright blue. "What, uh-?"

"Or is it Steve?" Dean asked, stopping a step away, and gestured to his vest.

Cas looked down. "That's uh- I'm new and they don't have any with my name-" Cas explained, feeling like he couldn't breathe. He knew it, he knew Dean would come back but he didn't think he'd come back on his heat. It was hard to smell him over the spilled drink but Cas also couldn’t help not to. He knew he couldn’t possibly not be on his heat because his own legs were shaking with want. 

"Right," Dean said and bit his lip. "Gotcha." He looked around to see if there was anyone else working in the store.

Cas took that moment to move away from him and Dean felt it immediately so he turned to look as Cas began fixing shelves that didn't need fixed. 

"I wanted to apologize," Dean said as he followed him. "For what happened all those years ago."

"There's no need," Cas said.

"I've never been embarrassed like I was that night," Dean said. "I just couldn't help myself-" Dean said, he wanted to explain, to talk to him, to tell him how he made him feel back then. How he was making him feel now.

"Dean, really-"

Dean strode towards him. "Cas, please!" Dean said and grabbed his arms, pushing him against the shelf, the rag falling to their feet.

Cas' hands were limp in the air and he wanted to clench his fists to focus on the pain but he just felt woozy and weak, lost in the scent around him. He recognized those words and he knew that if Dean asked him now what he’d asked him then he wouldn’t be able to resist. "Dean, I-"

"I know what you thought back then," Dean continued, "and maybe you were right, about me answering to my body. But I _did_ want you Cas, I- I still do," Dean admitted and Cas' eyes closed, "I came to you that night because-"

"I was the closest alpha," Cas said.

"No," Dean said, shaking his head, "Cas, the idea of anyone touching me made me feel sick. The thought of you-" He leaned in to Cas. "You didn't. Cas-"

Cas turned him on the shelf and looked at his face, he wasn't afraid but he wasn't baring his neck either. Cas' dream came to him. "I can't-" Cas said and took a step back, his hands still holding Dean's arms until he started to retreat. "Go," he said.

Dean watched him and felt humiliated all over again. He looked at Cas and then left. Cas went to the mop in the corner and picked it up to clean up the mess. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Try as he might, Dean just can't stay away.

Dean hadn't slept for a few nights, his mind was in overdrive. Every time he let his eyes close he was seventeen again and Cas was pushing him away, telling him he should have been an alpha. Then Dean thought about Benny, the way he'd looked at him across the table, the way he'd sneered at him, laughed, before he'd spat at him. Dean remembered falling backwards out of the low stool onto the floor in shock as guards ran to hold him back. But they couldn't shut him up and everything he'd said was burned into Dean's memory forever. 

And yet, every time he'd asked his old friend Jack to help him to sleep, even enlisted Morgan and Jim, there was a moment, just before the turning point - where he felt anger and shame and fear and every single night of his life since he was seventeen all at once - just before that and after the frustration and self-pity, right in the middle, on the cusp, there was a moment when Dean thought about him. He thought about the man who had saved him - in more ways than he knew - that night, the man who, if there was a God and Dean wasn't sure there was save for that night, then it had to be by His hand alone that Castiel, the man with the name of an angel if you can fucking believe it, drove down that street at that time and stopped at that light with no music or phone call to distract him, to stop him hearing the pleas of a young omega in trouble. The man who left his car running and came to his aid, despite being a stranger and outnumbered, and then made no attempt whatsoever to claim him, as any other alpha may have done, deciding he'd won the right against three alphas. The man who, more than that, made every effort not to even touch him or take advantage of him in his vulnerable state. Even when it was offered up on a plate.

Dean had never questioned that that man had wanted him, there had been no doubt in his mind. He'd seen the way he'd shallowed his breathing, the way he'd shirked away from him, the way he'd trembled in his presence, he closed his eyes and the bottle in his hand nearly tipped when he thought about the feeling of his skin on Dean's when he'd inhaled up his neck, pressing him into the bed. The words he'd uttered, things Dean's had heard a hundred times before but them never having the same effect on him as from that man, having had spoken as if escaping from his soul.

Dean would jerk once in an exhausted attempt at a laugh in response to that. He didn't believe in souls either. But, again, if ever he'd had reason to doubt himself it was then. 

In that time in between trying to stop the tears in his eyes and then not being able to stop the self-loathing in his throat he'd think about the way that man looked at him then and how he looked at him now. There was fear, oh yes, but somehow Dean felt it wasn't fear of him but rather fear of him being too close. There was never a chance of mistaking that Cas had looked at Dean with fear in the garage, but there was something else too. The way he'd closed his eyes when Dean had said he still wanted him and the way he'd pushed Dean against the shelves.

Dean couldn't help but feel it was all so... so... familiar. As if nothing had changed, as if the years may have passed but there was possibly a want still there. 

Dean would think about the way Cas had said, "I can't," before he'd pushed himself away from Dean, just like that night all those years ago when he'd stumbled to his feet. He'd think about all the things Cas could have said, all the things he didn't say. He didn't say he didn't want to; backthen he'd said that he didn't think Dean wanted him and now he said he couldn't. Never that he didn't want to.

Dean would think about that and then wonder what it meant and what he was going to do about it. Then he would resolve himself to the fact that it meant nothing and he would do nothing and then he'd take that tipping drink of Jack or Jim or Morgan and keep on getting a little help from his friends until he woke up hours later wondering why his friends caused him so much physical trauma.

>><<

His liquid-friends might cause him and his stomach some problems in the morning but it was nothing compared to the mental strife his brother inflicted upon him regularly.

After lecturing him on seeing his friends too much and adding in that they were as bad an influence on him than they had been on their father, Sam was standing looking out the huge window at the rain before he looked to the left at Dean in his bathroom. He watched him as he picked the pill bottle out of the medicine cabinet and opened it. He looked ahead and exhaled as Dean knocked the pill back, knowing it wasn't a painkiller. As his head came back down and he dry swallowed it he looked at his brother and closed the lid on the bottle, putting it back in the cabinet.

"What?" he asked with a sigh, knowing exactly what. Sam just shook his head. "Sam?"

"Do you know what you smell like?" Sam said. "Other than a distillery."

"What?" Dean asked as he walked out of the door and headed across the far end of the sitting room, passed his brother beside the large window that looked out onto the balcony and other apartment buildings, towards the office. "No, I can't smell myself. Why are you smelling me?"

"I'm not," Sam said. "I'm not trying to. But I can't help it, it's everywhere. It's in your skin, your clothes, your furniture." He gestured as he sat down on the couch. "Even through the damn booze."

"What is?" Dean asked as he resurfaced again.

"It's like the smell you get with air fresheners. They don't get rid of the smell, they cover it up. Your smell is covered up by years of sprays. It smells like-" He picked up the cushion beside him and put it to his nose and inhaled. "It smells like- darkness." He dumped it beside him again.

"Darkness?" Dean asked, confused and annoyed, as well as slightly mocking in manner. "What does that even mean?"

"It's like you're trying to smother light with darkness. It might sound silly but you know what darkness smells like, it's the absence of a smell, an absence so potent it's there."

Dean swallowed. "I need them, Sam," he said and walked over to the bathroom again, Sam watching him.

"Where are you going?" Sam asked, turning in his seat to watch him. 

"Shower," Dean said. "I feel dirty now."

>><< 

This time Dean couldn’t sleep that night because of Sam and his stupid ‘darkness’ nonsense. He couldn’t sleep and so he’d gone for a drive first thing. And after hours it wouldn’t take a genius to work out where he’d ended up. He'd cursed himself; he knew where he was driving but he couldn't help it. It was dark on the street and everywhere was closed. He didn't even think he'd be working, why would he be? He'd been working in the early afternoon the last few times he'd seen him but what else was Dean to do? He had to try. He didn't even know why. 

Dean had been sitting in the car for forty-seven minutes, Cas had been counting. He saw him come towards the empty shop and he’d retreated into the back, wishing that there was someone else working with him tonight and wondering why he'd offered to cover for Nora but it wasn't like he was getting much sleep lately. Hell, he'd done more work around the house in the past few weeks than since he'd moved in. He'd lost weight too, he didn't know how much but people kept telling him. He thought about how little he was eating and how much sweat he'd wake up covered in every night and didn't consider it a mystery. However, when Nora had asked him his secret he'd just shrugged and excused himself. Cas hoped Dean would have taken the hint and leave him in peace. He was so tired, his nights plagued with images he hadn’t seen in a long time and would rather never see again.

Dean walked to the counter, leaning over it to check he wasn’t down there. He looked to the storeroom as he headed back to the door, he looked out at the forecourt and saw it was empty, the roads had been dead quiet and it looked like there was going to be a storm coming. He locked the door and turned his head to the storeroom before he walked towards it.

He opened the door to see Cas backing away from it.

“Hiding from me?” Dean asked, feeling his heart beating in his chest, not knowing what the hell he was doing, all he could smell was disinfectant and he searched for that sweet smell.

“What do you want?” Cas asked, sounding scared and exhausted.

“You know what I want,” Dean said, a lump in his throat making him almost choke. He didn't know what else to do, this wasn't like when he was on his heat and he just wanted the need to go away this was so different it almost hurt. He couldn't- could _not_ walk away again, not now, the regret was too much to be doubled. “I just _can’t_ stay away from you, I wish I could.” He shook his head and Cas saw nothing but truth there. "I've tried, I really have."

"Dean, why are you doing this to me? Why can't you leave me alone?" Cas' head tilted a little but his brow rippled as he tried not to breath him in, he felt like he was in a haze, dizzy and numb as well as centred and afire. He wanted to run but he wanted to stay, he wanted to grab him and throw him up against the wall but he'd wished Dean had stayed away. He knew he was dangerous and he never wanted to hurt him but he was here and he was saying everything Cas couldn't hear. Cas could feel beads forming at his hairline and his shirt become hot at his back. His skin buzzed and his underwear tightened, he tried to do his breathing exercises but every lungful was of Dean, he tried to list town names in his head but it only chanted his name, he tried to remember why he'd ran away the first time he'd touched an omega but he couldn't find it through his dreams.

"Is that what you want?" Dean asked, wondering if he'd taste honey on his tongue. "I can't stop thinking about you, I don't think I ever really stopped. I know you wanted me then-"

"It's the heat-" Cas protested, feeling his muscles shake and his penis beginning to harden. He worked in a garage but he'd never smelled rubber and leather and engine oil so distinctly, he'd never tasted meat and pastry and coffee so strongly until now.

"And you want me now-" Dean said, not noticing the present tense as he followed him further into the store room.

"Dean, you don't-" Cas shook his head, swallowing green and something burning, as he stopped against a pile of boxes of frozen boxed pizzas that were defrosting even though they weren’t meant to.

"I do-" Dean said. "It's all I want, Cas, you're the only one I've ever wanted like that. I wanted you then-" Dean leaned into Cas. "And I want you now." 

Cas groaned as he looked to the side, thinking about his dream, the way it felt to push inside him. The way he wanted Samandriel in that elevator was nothing compared to how he’d wanted Dean all of those years ago. The way he'd wanted Dean back then was the same, if not duller, than how he wanted him now.

"I know you want me, Cas." Dean bit his lip, not sure how he got there but he could see now, the look on Cas' face. It wasn't persuasion, it was will power and it was breaking, to let through what he really wanted. And Dean knew now more than ever that Cas, try as he might to deny it, Cas wanted him more than whatever was holding him back. All he had to do was convince him that Dean wanted him, he wasn't on his heat now, surely that was enough. "Or I wouldn't be here, there's no reason for it other than you. I'm not an alpha pushing my way, and neither are you," Dean whispered to him, trying not to think of all the omegas he must have had since Dean ran away in the night.

"No?" Cas asked as Dean closed his eyes momentarily and cast them out of his mind. "The heat-"

"That was then," Dean said. "Now- now I want you because it's you. Nothing more." He touched Cas' face and Cas grabbed him, turned him and pushed him against a shelf parallel to the wall on his left, his chest against Dean's back. Dean inhaled in quiet shock and then squirmed under Cas' hold, only because his own dick was reacting and he felt sick at the feeling that he liked being pushed around. He tried to push those thoughts out of his minds too when Cas' voice took his attention away. It was rough and commanding and Dean had no illusions as to how he wasn't about to give any of his attention to anything else.

"Why are you doing this?" Cas asked, sounding somewhat desperate. "I've said no my entire life. The strength it took to say no to you six years ago is more than I have now." He smelled Dean's neck and grunted when Dean bared it, the smell intensifying and somehow smoother now that Cas knew it was consensual, or hoped he knew. "Dean-" He grunted again while Dean whimpered at the feeling. He didn't even register embarrassment because he was thinking of all those years ago and how Cas' weight felt on top of him. 

"Cas," Dean said, trying not to push his hips back; if they were doing this it was because Cas still wanted it, wanted him, not because he rubbed his ass against his cock. "All you gotta do is step back and I'll leave, I'll never come back, I promise." He exhaled quickly. “You never touched me then, I _know_ you can step back. That’s all you gotta do, I swear, if you really don’t want this. If-" He stopped. "If you really don't want... _me_."

There was a tense silence and Cas closed his eyes tight before he whispered, "I do.”

Dean exhaled as if he'd been holding his breath for six years. "Then have me," Dean said, pushing his hips back an inch, he then stopped himself and waited for Cas to make a move.

"Not _take_ you?" Cas asked.

Dean took a couple of breaths before he spoke, "You take something that isn't yours, you have something that _is_ yours. You can _have_ me, Cas," he punctuated that word with one hard push of his hips against Cas’ crotch and found that Cas didn't move away.

Cas' head tilted back with the contact and he couldn’t take it anymore.

There was a primal groan from Cas and Dean couldn't help but smile as a hand pulled at the back of his jeans while the other fumbled for the buttons at the front.

He barely felt the cold of the storeroom on his buttocks before Cas thrust unceremoniously into him, Dean felt something hard seem to pop and a jolt of pain shot through him while Cas felt resistance inside him suddenly give way.

They both gasped out.

Cas leaned into his ear. "Forget underwear this morning?" His voice was different, as if from further back in his throat and spoken through gritted teeth.

"Who says I wear them?" Dean said, feeling the tension from the past few weeks flow out of him and Cas' hands on him like release in itself.

Cas was belatedly hit by the realization of how tight Dean felt and he groaned into Dean's neck. "You feel so-" He groaned again and tried to move. "So tight. Dean, what have you _done_ to me?"

"Nothing you didn't want," Dean said and pushed back. "Right, Cas?"

Cas nodded and pushed in and pulled out almost all the way.

"Tell me," Dean said and then grunted. "Tell me you _want_ this."

"I do," Cas said and pushed in again. "I've wanted this since I first smelled you in my car, you're like nothing I've ever encountered. In my house I don't know how I managed to say no," Cas finally confessed, tasting chocolate and waffles on Dean's skin.

"I'm glad you did," Dean said.

Cas stopped. "You are?"

"Yeah, I'm glad this wasn't some first heat fuck-" He pushed back and groaned. "I'm glad this is because we both couldn't say no, up here." He tapped his head and then grabbed at Cas' hand on his side.

"But your h-"

Cas moaned and neither of them said anything else that wasn't the other's name as Cas pushed harder, passed the tightness. Dean’s right hand went to hold the bar of the shelf and Cas put his over it, feeling Dean spread his fingers to let Cas’ fall in between. Jars and tins fell to the floor and the glass jars smashed, fruit and fruit juices spilled all over.

Cas knew that, even though he was one of the few alphas who produced a knot every time he ejaculated, he couldn't very well allow that in their current situation. So he kept it from Dean because he was sure that if they weren’t going to get caught doing this then being attached for the next few hours wouldn’t help.

Cas thought it odd that Dean didn’t ask him for his knot, he didn’t push back insistently or whine about it. He merely moaned Cas’ name and relished the contact they did have.

Dean’s eyes were closed and his teeth sunk into the side of his bottom lip. He’d expected himself to suddenly feel ill, to pull away and wish he’d never let Cas touch him. But it never came. He didn't even think about the fact he was pushing back, wanting more as Cas pushed him into the shelf. He couldn't deny he wanted more, he wanted it harder, quicker, slower, softer, he wanted it now and tomorrow and yesterday. This was supposed to make it all go away, this was supposed to be getting what he wanted and being able to let it go but his chest tightened with the dread that he’d only made it worse.

Cas could barely think straight and all the thinking power he had went into keeping himself from collapsing as his hips moved on instinct alone so he didn’t think about touching Dean or bringing him to climax too as he quickly got closer. He didn’t even manage to warn Dean. He just tightened his hand around Dean’s, moaned in his ear and gripped his cock just above the knot to stop him from pushing too much just before he came, so fast he called out and so hard it almost hurt.

Dean felt Cas lean his forehead against the back of Dean's head and exhaled hard. 

There was a banging on the main door outside and the pair lifted their heads.

"I locked it," Dean said.

"I still have to get it," Cas said and Dean grunted when Cas pulled out. He quickly fixed his trousers and glanced around at the mess, sidestepping the juice on the floor.

Dean let his grip on the shelf go as he heard Cas apologizing to the customer who was being drenched, evidently the rain had started while they were in the back. He winced as a pain struck through him and then it stopped and he chuckled in his throat; he'd heard that losing your virginity could be sore but no one said how satisfying the pain would be. He fixed himself, stepped out of the office quietly and looked at Cas behind the counter, he had his attention to the payment window for customers just paying for gas and he thought about going over but then the restroom door opened and Dean turned to look at a magazine rack.

The woman did a double take at him, bone dry, and the rain outside.

"You're lucky," she said and he looked to her. "Five minutes ago and you woulda got drenched outside with me."

Dean smiled to her. "Well, then I count myself lucky, ma'am," he said. 

She smiled and turned away. Dean looked at Cas as he turned to serve the woman and his eyes moved to Dean but then he looked right back to the customer. It stung like rejection or contempt.

Dean suddenly felt ashamed of himself so he left and got into his car, looking at Cas through the window. When Cas looked to him then looked away Dean drove away without looking back.

>><< 

Three days later Dean hadn't been able to stomach having his usual friends round or his brother. Anyone actually. He'd just sat and stared at the TV feeling numb and wondering what it all meant. He'd replayed it over and over in his head wondering why he'd felt ashamed, why Cas had looked at him like he deserved to feel that way. It was both of their decisions, was it not? It had to be.

He'd eventually fallen asleep in front of the TV again that afternoon and woke up to banging at his door in the evening. It woke him slowly at first and then, by the third repetition he shot up and stared at the door for a few seconds. He sighed and cursed his brother before he got up and walked to the door, opening it.

Except it wasn't Sam.

"I can't believe you!" Cas said and stormed into Dean's open-plan kitchen and sitting room. "I can't believe you would do that!"

"Cas?" Dean said in shock and turned to look at him as he stopped and turned, rubbing his hair tiredly.

"What, have you had sex with more than one person this week?" He scoffed. "You probably have."

Dean closed the door and walked to the couch. "Look," he said and picked up the remote, silencing the TV, "if you're upset about what happened then why'd you do it?"

"You-!" He pointed at Dean angrily.

"You can't blame me!" Dean shot back and stepped towards him. "I thought what we had was sex. _Sex_ , Cas. A mutual act," he gestured between them, "both of us to blame."

"You did it on purpose!" Cas defended.

"I did what?" Dean asked, his face pulling together in confusion.

"You came to me in a heat, maybe-"

"Wait, what?" Dean put his hand out. "You think-?"

"Maybe you saw me as the one that said no so you had to get a yes," he said.

"Is that what you think?" Dean asked.

"Why else would you do that to me again?" Cas asked. "How could you turn me into just another alpha?"

Dean shook his head. "Cas, I wasn't in heat when we-"

"Don't lie to me, Dean! I could barely see straight through your scent." Cas’ chest was heaving and he was furiously trying to list towns in his head as Dean’s scent belatedly hit him, evidently he was still on his heat. “Still are,” he said with a strain, stepping backwards, trying to put distance between them.

Dean sighed and walked towards him, Cas taking a step into Dean's kitchen, Dean stopped and looked at him before he continued walking further into the apartment and went into the bathroom, just behind the kitchen. Cas took a step back to where he'd been standing to peer around until Dean came out again and threw a bottle at him. Cas fumbled but caught it then looked to Dean who gestured to it.

"Read it," Dean said.

Cas' gaze lingered on Dean for a second before he looked down at it and turned it to read it. He read that they were heat suppressors and they had Dean's name and address on them.

Cas looked up to Dean in shock which turned to confusion, a hundred thoughts and questions running through his head but chiefly wondering why he felt like he could barely think for Dean's smell.

"I wasn't in my heat when we had _sex_ Cas and I’m not now. I haven't had a heat since that first one," he said and crossed his arms over his chest defensively then lowered them, realizing what he was doing.

"What?" Cas asked as Dean walked back around to the sitting room area, passed the couches to the other side, as if he were the one putting distance between them now. "Dean, that was six years ago?" He followed Dean who turned to face him.

"I know, Cas. And if I don't I have my brother to remind me every time I take one of those, I have my doctor telling me. I don't need _you_ telling me." Dean wondered what it meant, that Cas thought he'd been on his heat, if it even meant anything.

"Wh-?" Cas lowered his hands. "Was it me?"

Dean seemed to soften. "No, Cas." He paused. "Not really. It wasn't one thing, it was everything. I was supposed to meet a friend that night, an alpha. He was going to get me through my heat." He rubbed his forehead. "I was on my way there when I walked down that alley. Between those alphas, how scared I was with what was going on and-" He looked down. "And how humiliated I felt." Cas looked to the side. "And the rest of the heat I never wanted to feel that again." he shrugged. "So I haven't."

Cas exhaled. "You were attacked?"

Dean shook his head. "No," he said. "But I locked myself in a public restroom for the rest of it. I was too scared to leave."

"Dean," Cas said and threw the bottle on the couch, "why did you leave?"

"Because I was ashamed," Dean said. "I acted like an animal and I ran away like an injured puppy."

Cas closed his eyes and saw the look on Dean's face as he left the room.

"Why did you think I was on my heat?" Dean asked. “Why _do_ you?”

Cas shook his head and inhaled. "That smell you give off is intoxicating," Cas whispered. 

Dean scoffed. "My brother says I smell like darkness smothering light."

Cas thought about it. "It's faint now, but it affects me the same. I can't see anything, my legs shake. I-" Cas opened his eyes to find Dean right in front of him.

"It buzzes all through me," Dean said. "Like my heartbeat."

Cas looked at him. "Like need and want getting confused and I don't know which is which."

"I want you so much it _is_ need," Dean said. "And you're not in heat, are you?" 

Cas shook his head, needlessly answering the pointless question. What else could he do? It might not makes sense right now but it felt like need and yet, if it wasn't, what else could it be but want? For both of them. All he knew was he didn't have to be here, he'd gone to a lot of trouble to be here. And for what? To shout at him for following his biology, shout at Dean because he, Cas, couldn't control himself? Why was he really there? Did he need to ask?

He didn't wait for an answer but instead stepped forward and kissed him.

Dean hummed and lifted his hands to Cas' jaw, kissing him back.

"You still smell me?" Dean asked in a murmur.

"Mm-hm," Cas said and pulled at Dean's pants. "Like sex oozes- from you."

Dean shook his head. "No one else smells it," he said.

"You ever let anyone close enough?" Cas asked.

"No," Dean said as Cas dipped his hand in. "Just you."

"Then that's why," Cas said. "I'm not special." 

Dean started leading him backwards and towards the bedroom. "Yes, you are," he said. 

They didn't get that far before Cas pushed Dean against the wall beside the door and kissed him then turned him and pulled his underwear down. 

"What, I don't get to cum ever?" Dean asked as Cas pushed inside him, his voice strained.

"God, you're so tight," Cas said and then Dean felt his hand take a hold of his dick and slowly pump as he thrust. "Sorry, I was a little preoccupied last time trying to stay upright."

Dean chuckled as Cas kissed his neck, tasting burning rubber and musk. "This feels so good," he said, surprising himself. "We shoulda been doing this for six years."

Cas smiled against his neck, not sure why it pleased him. "I thought you were glad we didn't?"

"I am-" Dean groaned and pushed back. "But, fuck we shoulda been. Harder."

Cas pushed in harder and Dean moaned. "You like that?" Cas asked.

"Yeah," Dean said. "Cas, just like that-" He could feel Cas' knot developing already. "Been thinking about this-" He bit down a groan. "You-"

"I haven't stopped-" Cas said and looked down as he started holding his knot back.

"No," Dean said and pushed back as Cas' hips stuttered to a stop. "Cas, knot me come on. Keep goin'," he said. "Don't stop-"

Cas hesitantly started again. "You said no," he stated.

"I meant, don't keep it from me again- knot me," he whined. "Please."

Cas shook his head, feeling it spin, not knowing how he ended up here either but knowing he never wanted to leave. "You're too tight for that," he said and groaned. 

"Cas, I'm gonna cum," Dean's voice dipped and he cut his sentence short to grunt before he added, somewhat desperately, "knot me-"

"I can't-" Cas said and groaned as Dean came, tightening around him & making him follow suit.

Dean breathed heavily against the wall. "You- You kept it from me-" He turned his head. "Again."

Cas pulled out and Dean turned, ignoring his mess on the wall.

"I didn't want to," Cas said as he buttoned Dean up who looked at his face. "I can barely move inside you," he said and fixed himself. 

"Yeah," Dean said. "I can't help that."

"I know but I don't want to tear you open by being thoughtless and brutal." Cas looked to the side. "I can't and I won't."

Dean looked at him and then nodded. "Okay," he said.

Cas turned away, thinking, while Dean went to the bathroom, he picked up and wetted a towel before he returned to wipe the wall.

Cas felt like his entire world had come crashing down. In contrast all he'd done since he'd last seen Dean was sleep. It was as if he was suddenly physically and emotionally exhausted beyond all comprehension. And yet, now, he felt like he was seeing clearly: he'd given in to Dean, who hadn't been on his heat and had wanted Cas too. Now what? There seemed to be only two options. And he didn't like the walking away one. 

Cas picked up the bottle and looked at it. "These are only meant for a few months at a time," he said and Dean glanced. "Continued and prolonged use can have irreversible effects." Dean didn't answer as he wiped the wall. "Dean, you could become infertile."

"Yeah, well," he said, "that's never exactly been relevant."

Cas' brow dipped in confusion as he turned to watch Dean pass him, taking the bottle as he did. "I don't understand what you mean."

"I mean," Dean said as he left the bathroom empty handed and walked back to the couch, "that I didn't expect to ever even lose my virginity, never mind in a gas ‘n’ sip store room, so kids was never gonna be a realistic problem for me."

Cas sat down beside him. "You- you were a virgin?"

"Yeah," Dean said. "Still the same needy little virgin begging you for sex six years later." Dean shook his head. "Bet that was refreshing for ya." He exhaled forcefully.

"Dean, I was a virgin too," Dean looked at him and felt the heat of Cas’ hand on his thigh while his left elbow rested on the back of the couch and he looked into Dean’s eyes. "That's why I came over so angry. I was mad that I'd managed to say no all these years, even to you, but then you had to come to me in a heat again-"

Dean gestured his hand. "Not in heat?"

"I know that now," Cas said. "But then why couldn't I say no?" Cas leaned in and his hand ran further up, his eyes darting over Dean's face as he thought about how little he'd changed.

"The same reason your hand’s on my thigh-" Dean said and Cas looked down, not realizing he'd done it. "And why you want to kiss me right now." Cas looked back at him. "You're attracted to me. And not because your biology says you should be. Because you just are." 

Cas leaned in and kissed him hard. "That's why you're so tight," Cas said against his lips as Dean kissed him again, Dean turning more towards him. "You've never let anyone-"

Dean shook his head as they kissed. "Just you," he said. "Fuck me," Dean said to him.

Cas smiled against his lips.

"What?" Dean asked smiling too.

Cas kissed him again. "Six years of nothing and now you're begging-"

"Hey, I don't beg," Dean said, his smile falling, refusing to accept that. "I just know what I want." He pulled Cas on top of him and lay down on the couch. 

"I'll do you a deal," Cas said as Dean was stroking the front of his jeans, unable to keep doing this unless he knew what _this_ was.

"What's that?"

"Stop taking those suppressants-" Cas said and Dean stopped, looking at him. "I'll get you through your heat and knot you as much as I can."

"As you can?" Dean asked. "You got limited ammo or another omega you gotta be there for?" Dean almost winced, wondering what that jabbing feeling was. 

"Coming off of them would be like having all of those heats at once Dean. You’d go through hell, you'd want me to fuck you more than your body and opening could handle it. And I’d have to say no a lot, I'd have to care for you as well as satisfy you."

"So, why ask? I thought you didn't like me on heat, said I didn't-"

"That was then, I know you want me now. And I'm asking because they're that dangerous. I'm not giving you an ultimatum, Dean, it's your body. I'm just floating the deal." He kissed Dean again and they didn't say anything else as they kissed, pulling the other in, however neither could really stop thinking enough and as a result it was somewhat distant.

Dean’s mind was ticking over the deal and everything that was happening as they continued to kiss and touch. Cas was thinking about the way Dean made him feel and how scary it was that, after this long, he had so little control. He also asked himself why he was doing this, walking into fire if he was clearly so easily burned around him. In the end Cas had to pull away, he had work the next day.

“Hey, uh…” Dean said as he turned on the couch to see Cas walking away. “How’d you know where I live?”

Cas smiled and moved towards the couch, leaning on the back as Dean looked up. “Well, don’t tell anyone but I have a friend in the police force.” He kissed Dean’s head and walked away again.

“You ran my number plate?” Dean asked and Cas smiled as he closed the door. “Sneaky bastard,” he said to himself as he turned the TV volume back on.

When the door closed each man paused.

Cas took a deep inhale, looked behind him and then walked away.

Dean looked to the wall where the water from his clean up was drying and then looked down as he scrubbed his hands through his hair quickly then looked back to the TV. 

Neither was sure what the hell had just happened or what was coming but they certainly had a lot to think about.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a few months since Cas left Dean's apartment but they haven't spoken further about Cas' offer, Cas has assumed that he wouldn't hear from Dean again. But is he correct or could it be that he couldn't be more wrong?

Nothing.

That’s what Cas had heard from Dean since he’d left his apartment; absolutely nothing. He hadn’t turned up at the garage either. Cas had resigned himself to the fact that he had, as he’d thought, been just a 'no' that had to be turned into a 'yes'. Or maybe the talking about sharing a heat had scared him. Either way Cas had decided he just had to forget it and get back to the way his life was before. It’d taken him six years the first time to almost forget it so five months was just the beginning.

After resigning himself to that fact, however much he didn't like it, he carried on with his life as usual. As much as he didn't want to do it he found himself still hoping Dean would walk through the door and prove him wrong but, as the days and weeks went by, he jumped less whenever the door opened at work, he scanned the cars on the forecourt less and hope died in his chest.

One night, just under five months since he'd walked out of Dean's apartment, Cas waited for another worker to come in and take over the shift before he got in his own car and drove away. The nights were getting colder now and he had to put his in-car heater on as he drove home. He sighed as his cellphone rang, turned down his radio and answered his hands-free without taking his eyes from the wet road.

"Castiel Novak," he said.

 _"Cas it's Dean,"_ Dean's voice came through, crackling and deep.

Cas’ head nudged back in surprise but he hid it from his voice well, "Hello Dean, how are you?"

_"I'm good. Are you okay?"_

"Yes, I'm well." Cas looked behind him when he heard someone toot their horn but then decided it wasn’t for him.

_"Are you driving?"_

"Yes, I'm just heading home. Is there something wrong?"

_"There's something I need to talk to you about could you come over?"_

"Right now?"

 _"If that's okay,"_ Dean said.

"Yes," Cas looked at the clock. "I will be at yours in approximately half an hour."

_"Okay, thanks Cas."_

The line went dead.

Cas' brow dipped; something was wrong, he could tell from Dean's voice. A spark of panic floated the idea that Dean had indeed been on his heat and that maybe he was pregnant. Maybe he hadn't known it was his heat or he had and had lied- He inhaled, shifted in his seat and decided not to run assumptions through his head, he’d just wait and find out.

He was so tense and worried that he didn't even turn his radio back up as he ran through the options in his head, without even meaning to. By the time he got to Dean's house he wondered what Dean would allow him to do, would he allow him to be in the child's life, if he kept the child. He even considered that there might not be a baby, that maybe Dean had to confess that he had something that Cas may want to talk to his doctors about. Whatever it was, as Cas pulled into the parking lot outside Dean's apartment building, he was certain it couldn't be good.

He had gotten there forty minutes after their call due to an oil spill holding up traffic and so when he found Dean's front door open again like last time he hesitated and wondered if he should buzz up. He then decided that Dean must be anticipating his arrival and so decide to forgo the formality and took the stairs two at a time, exhaling hard as he got to the right landing, through nerves rather than exhaustion.

He knocked the door and Dean answered it immediately before he stepped back, gesturing his left arm back as he mumbled, "Come in."

Cas walked in nervously rambling as Dean shut the door, "I'm sorry I'm late, I was stuck in traffic and-" Dean closed the door behind him.

He stopped dead as the smell hit him. It was Dean, not as strong as six years ago but a hundred times more than five months ago and Cas' head whipped to Dean.

He was standing in a towel, wet from head to toe and heavy breathing, leaning his back against the door for support.

"Dean," Cas said, keeping himself on the spot and pausing with the effort, "what did you call me for?"

"I stopped taking them," he said, his eyes wide as he looked over Cas and locked the apartment door. "Can't you tell?"

Oh, he could tell. He swallowed and Dean watched his Adam's apple bob while Cas tasted something between pastry and alcohol and yet both too.

He couldn't stand the distance any longer, logic telling him that Dean wouldn't have called him here if he wanted him to. And so Cas walked towards him and pushed his body against Dean's against door, it rattled with the force. "Yes," Cas said and groaned as Dean bared his neck, making no protest at his proximity, Cas leaning in to smell the right side of his neck "When?"

"The day after you asked," Dean said and Cas looked at him while pain threatening his throat, and it wasn't physical pain, not yet.

"Who got you through the last one?" he asked, not exactly wanting to know the answer.

"No one," he said and Cas' eyes narrowed a little. "It didn't come," Dean further explained, "the doc said it wasn't worrying, it'd come the next time, I guess it’s a little early."

Cas looked from one of Dean's eyes to the other and then leaned in again to inhale up his neck. He couldn't smell anything other than and untouched omega, and untouched and willing omega. He couldn't smell any deception and given Dean's history he thought it highly unlikely that there was any. "It is early," he said, "but it's already in cycle."

"You can tell that?" Dean asked.

"Yes," Cas said and kissed the skin there, groaning slightly when Dean hummed and the tasted seemed to spread out in his throat; smoke. "You did this for me?" he couldn't help but ask.

"For both of us," Dean answered. "Do you _want_ me like this, Cas?" Cas kissed his neck again and Dean’s eyes closed. "Cause I've been waiting five damn months."

Cas did nothing but growl and lift Dean, wrapping his legs around Cas' waist, the towel falling from around him but staying between them.

"I've been fucking myself," Dean said in Cas' ear as he turned them and walked to the door Dean had tried to lead him to the last time.

Cas groaned, not saying anything, and pushed him against the door, stopping before he pushed it open, his nose against Dean's hairline behind his ear, and walked into the bedroom then lowered them to the bed. He took that time to pull back and look at Dean.

"So, if think you're not knotting me at least once tonight you're mistaken," Dean said and began pulling Cas' shirt from his pants.

Cas moved his hand to Dean's jawline and used a firm hold to lift it so that Dean looked at him, making Dean pause in his movements. "You'll get what I give you," Cas said and then lowered his head to kiss Dean's neck.

Dean smirked to himself and then it fell again. "Wait, Cas-" Cas leaned up on his hands and looked down at Dean. "I _want_ this." Cas looked between his eyes. "So, if at any point I say I _need_ this, I still want it. I still want you."

Cas smiled down at him. "I know," he said and kissed him, making Dean begin to pull at his pants again.

"Been so wet all day thinking of you," he said while Cas kicked his shoes off and tried to drag his pants off. He couldn’t help the things that were coming out of his mouth, they just kept tumbling out like some hormone-induced confessional.

"If you'd have called me this morning-"

Dean fumbled with his shirt. "You can't miss work."

"No, but I've have worn a t-shirt," he said and Dean laughed.

"Hurry up and fuck me," Dean said, surprising himself.

Cas grunted as he pulled his shirt, which was only half-unbuttoned, over his head and kicked his pants off. "Not helping," he said. Cas moved the part of Dean’s towel trapped between them and it stayed on the bed beside them as Cas pushed inside. Dean was right; he wasn't as tight but he was wetter than Cas imagined.

Dean groaned loudly and pulled Cas into a kiss. "Been thinking about you all day," he said against Cas' lips, his voice hushed and full of gravel.

"You're so wet," Cas said through gritty teeth. "Haven't you just showered?"

"That's what you do to me," Dean said and Cas began thrusting in and out, Dean holding onto his sides as if for dear life. "God, Cas, why didn't I call you this morning?" He arched his back from the bed but let his head hang back.

"Because you're an idiot," Cas said, lowering his own head to kiss Dean's upper chest and neck.

"Yeah," Dean said. "Yeah, I am."

"You're still too tight for me to-"

Dean lifted his right foot as he lifted his head and dug the heel into Cas' buttock making them both moan. "Don't you dare," Dean said, looking in Cas' eyes.

"I don't want to hurt you," Cas said, kissing the right side of his jawline, tasting water and sweat and three or four different things fused together in such a muddle he couldn’t distinguish them. "Knotting will hurt." Cas used his left hand on Dean’s leg to move his foot, he tried to move it back so Cas lifted the leg over his shoulder.

"I'll hurt you," Dean said, moving his other foot to try to keep Cas buried deep inside him.

Cas ignored him and did the same with the other and, the minute he moved them both of them forgot what they were arguing over as Dean moaned loudly, it escaping from him in one convulsion against his will, and Cas squeezed his eyes shut, pumping in and out like he couldn't do anything else.

"God, what is that?" Dean asked. "I think I'm- I think I'm gonna cum-" Dean barely finished what he was saying before he started doing just that, saying Cas' name a few times and tightening his grip.

Cas' eyes shut tighter as his knot began to grow and, just as Dean finished, he edged it out and thrust a few more times before finishing himself. He pulled out quickly and turned on the bed, lying down beside Dean.

"Okay, that was new," Dean said and turned his head to look at Cas. "That was too quick. You didn't even touch me-" Cas shook his head. "Was that my heat?"

"Most likely," Cas said. "Do you feel better?" he asked. 

"The minute you walked in the door," Dean said, catching Cas off-guard, and used his right index finger to touch Cas' knot. 

Cas hissed through his teeth and Dean looked at him, moving his hand away.

"Sore?" he asked.

"Really sensitive," Cas said and then used his arms to pull Dean closer, lying his right shoulder on Cas' left, as well as his hip. 

"Man-handling me?" Dean asked, amused.

"I wanted you close and the further into this we get the more you'll want to touch me, I'm just letting you know now that that's okay," Cas said and Dean looked to him.

"You're really gonna get me through this?" Dean asked and sounded like the teenager that he’d picked up all of those years ago.

"Yes," Cas said, turning his head to look at him. "If you want me to."

Dean nodded and leaned towards him to kiss him.

Dean rolled over and, in the process, lifted his left leg to straddle Cas.

Cas considered he may be in need again and wasn't sure he had the physical capability to provide that just yet. "I can't-"

"Just-" Dean said and kissed him. "Kissing you," he added and leaned over him, his forearms on the pillow next to Cas' head as he kissed him. "I've showered four times today."

"You should moisturize," Cas said. "Or your skin will dry out."

"Maybe you could help me," Dean said but it was more of a question. He leaned to kiss Cas' neck that time, as if avoiding Cas' eye-line.

"I will," Cas said. "I'm here to look after you for as long as you need me to."

"I don't need looked after, Cas," Dean said, pulling back but still looking at Cas' neck. "I'm not a baby."

"I didn't say you were. I'm here to get you through your heat, and that includes sex, bathing, medical care- Anything that makes sure at the end of it you are still you and I'm still me." He ran his hands down Dean's side as Dean's eyes lifted to his.

Dean watched him. "Why haven't you-?" He stopped.

Cas inhaled. "I-" He exhaled hard. 

"You don't have to tell me," Dean said.

"You told me, it's only fair," Cas said. "I was afraid of what alphas were. My older brother said we were the kings, that all of the others were beneath us, _for_ us. That we deserved whatever we wanted and we should take it. I never believed it, it didn't seem right. I used to be an accountant, when I met you I still was. However, years before that, I worked for another firm. I was leaving late one night and so was the boss’s son. He was there when I got into the elevator. The door closed before I smelled him and I hadn't even blinked before I had him against the elevator walls and was pulling at his clothes." Cas looked to the side.

"I thought you hadn't-?" Dean started to ask, eyes narrowing slightly.

"The walls were mirrored, I saw his face. He was terrified. But he was pushing back against me," Cas said, his gaze growing distant.

Dean looked at Cas. "He didn't want it but his body did."

Cas nodded. "I ran as soon as the elevator stopped. I hadn't touched him. I quit that job and I got a new job about two years before I met you. I refused to do that again, to be what my brother said we were."

"You're not, Cas. You couldn't be further from it," Dean said and kissed him. "And I'm glad you're not." He kissed him again. "We were always told what to expect. We were told to expect to be jumped on, to be used, to be violated and like it. We used to watch porn about it and think that's what it was all about. Alphas would say it was so hot when we begged, to just wait for it we'd see.” Dean closed his eyes briefly, trying not to let Benny into this moment. “But that night I saw it for what it was."

Cas looked at him and ran his hands up and down. "There's a difference between being turned on by a little wanting and being jumped and expected to want it," Cas said.

Dean nodded. "Exactly." He kissed Cas again. "Cas-" Cas could hear the strain in his voice.

"I’ve got you," Cas said and put his hands on Dean's waist to lift him up, letting him sink back down on his cock.

Dean groaned as he sank down. "This isn't so bad," he said with a smile.

Cas thrust up. "Don't be so naive," Cas said. "You haven't even started your heat yet. Move."

Dean did and his mouth fell open. "Cas-" He groaned.

"You smell so good," Cas said, guiding Dean's hip with his right hand, his left cupping Dean's face. "You feel so good-" Dean moaned when Cas thrust too. "You sound so good."

"Yeah? Well your voice is like porn or scotch, I can't tell."

"Well does it get you hard or drunk?" Cas asked.

"Both," Dean said. "Keep talking."

"And say what?" Cas asked. "That I have so many things I want to do to you it's going to take more than one heat?"

"Yeah, what things?" Dean asked kissing Cas' throat as Cas guided his hips, practically moving them himself.

"I want to watch you perform fellatio-"

"You want me to suck your dick, Cas?" Dean asked in his ear.

Cas grunted. "Yes," he said. "And suck yours."

Dean moaned and nodded. "Yeah do that, what else?"

Cas leaned up to kiss Dean's neck. "I want to drive you into this mattress, until you can't breath-"

"Yeah-" Dean breathed out.

"I want to fuck you in the shower, bend you over the sofa-"

Dean flashed back all those years ago. "Yeah, want that-"

"I want to have you against every wall and on every piece of furniture in this apartment. And then I want to go my house and do the same."

"Yeah, Cas- Do it- Car?"

Cas smirked and began stroking Dean’s length. "I want to have you drive and me suck you dry on the way, I want to park in my parking spot and fuck you in the driver's seat, in the elevator on the way up-" Cas didn't need to guess where all of this was coming from, years of suppressing dreams and fantasies were all coming undone.

Dean started moaning as his speed increased. "Cas, I'm gonna-"

Cas’ hold on his hip tightened, Dean didn’t seem to be moving himself and so he couldn’t let his movements slow or stop. "I'd push you against every one of your neighbors’ doors so they'd know-"

"They- know- Cas, I'm-"

"Yes, Dean," Cas said. "Cum, cum so I can make you do it a hundred more times."

Dean called out, it wasn't a name it was just a shout as he started cuming.

"Dean, lift-" Cas thrust into him, watching his parted lips and pulled his head down to kiss the side of them as he rolled Dean's hips with his free right hand and started coming himself. He groaned against Dean’s clavicle and managed to lift him at the last second.

Dean exhaled as he slipped off of Cas' knot and dropped his head to rest his face on the side of Cas' temple. 

"Cas, I swear-" Dean exhaled. "That noise was your imagination."

Cas laughed once and shook his head. "You wish," he said. “Dean, can I ask you a question?” Dean grunted, still breathless. “How did you get my cell number?”

Dean smiled. “You’re not the only one with friends.”

Cas smiled too and kissed Dean.

 

Dean recovered, threw his boxers on, and wasted no time in making them food, in fact he made more than they needed and watched as Cas put them in to containers for later.

Dean tasted his food and nodded then sat down at the table in the kitchen area, Cas sitting on his left, also in his boxers. 

"So," Cas said and Dean felt his right hand curl around Dean's left leg, "do you work?"

Dean nodded as he chewed. "Yeah, I'm a bounty hunter."

Cas' eyebrows raised. "Really? I thought it was only alphas or betas that did that."

"Usually yeah but I didn't have heats so-" He shrugged.

Cas paused. "What does this mean for your career?"

"I guess find a new one, or I could switch to bondsman, at least until my heats even out, become regular and predicable and just do my job in between."

Cas looked to the food. "After six years of your brother and doctor telling you, you stopped them for me, even though you might lose your job?"

Dean shrugged. "Sounds creepy when you said it like that," he said.

Cas leaned towards Dean and kissed his cheek, inhaling without meaning to and then clearing his throat as he leaned back. Dean was drawing him in every time they were near each other and Cas wondered how he’d go from a lifetime of mentally suppressing to doing this, the same way he wondered how Dean would take to medically suppressing and now this.

"What?" Dean asked him.

Cas looked to him then down. "This heat will be difficult," he said.

"Why?" Dean asked.

"Because I will be as wanting as you will," Cas said and focused on his food.

Dean watched him then did the same. As they got closer to finishing their food Dean felt Cas' hand run further up and push against his underwear. When Dean looked at him Cas' eyes were on him even though he was eating.

"You want something Cas?" Dean asked.

"I can't help myself," Cas said, somewhere between confused and ashamed.

Dean reached for his hand and pulled it away, Cas let him. Dean tilted his head. "Yes, you can," he said and stood up, walking to Cas who pushed his chair back, Dean straddling him. "This is gonna get worse?"

"Are you okay?" Cas asked, putting the back to his hand to Dean's forehead.

"Yeah," Dean said and then they both looked at the door as it was rattled and then knocked.

"Dean?" Sam called through the door.

"My brother," Dean whispered and got off of Cas. "Hold on!" he shouted. "Uh, can you go into the bedroom?"

"Yes," Cas said and stood up.

Dean ran to the bathroom and grabbed his robe, putting it on and tying it around himself as Cas disappeared into the room.

Dean looked over his shoulder as Cas shut the door and then he unlocked the door, opening it just a little.

"Hey," Dean said.

"What's with the locked door?" Sam asked. "You never lock the-" A smell hit Sam's nose and he looked to the side. He didn't recognize it. "What is that?"

"That's- that's-" Dean closed his eyes tight. "That's me."

Sam's eyebrows raised. "You stopped them?"

"Yeah, okay?" Dean said. "Can I shut the door before I attract attention?"

"Just think about calling that number?" Sam said already backing away.

"Stop tryna get me laid," Dean said. "What did you want?"

"Just came to hang out, so you won't be working for a few days?"

"No, sorry I shoulda called but it came outta nowhere," Dean said.

"It's okay, just call me if you need anything," Sam said. 

"Yeah," Dean said and made to shut the door.

"Dean?" Dean looked at his brother. "Proud of you." He smiled and walked away. 

Dean exhaled and closed the door. He looked to the bedroom door and called out. "He's gone," he said and Cas opened the door.

Cas stood at the door looking at Dean. "You look tired," he said. "Why don't we shower?"

"We?" Dean asked as Cas walked towards him.

"Come on," Cas said. "I need to have a look." He used his hands on Dean's waist to push him towards the bathroom.

"Can I just point out that the only reason I'm doing this without whining is because you'll be wet and naked?" Dean said as Cas walked him into the bathroom.

"This is you not whining?" Cas asked with a smile as he pulled Dean's robe open and Dean turned to help him take it off, leaning down to help Dean take his underwear off too, letting Dean use him to lean on.

"Hey you said this is gonna get worse you haven't heard me whine yet," Dean said and leaned into the shower to turn the water on.

Cas watched him, tilting his head as he let his eyes drift over Dean's back and ass, the idea of checking Dean’s opening for tears completely disappearing from his mind. He had fluid and Cas' semen slowly dripping down his inner thigh. Cas bit his lip and tried to ignore how much the sight turned him on. But failed as he dipped his hand into his underwear and stroked his dick.

Dean shook the cold water from his hand as he leaned back out of the cubicle and looked over his shoulder at Cas. "Like what you see?" Dean asked and Cas looked up to him. "Come and get it." He stepped into the shower and ran his hands through his hair while the warming water ran over his body. 

Cas watched him for a few seconds, watched the water fall places he knew only he'd been. Dean let his head roll back on his shoulders and exhaled, Cas looked up to him and then down as fluid, clear mixed with white, ran down his leg.

"Cas-" Dean said, leaning his hands forward onto the tile and pushing his hips back. "Cas, come on-"

Cas hurriedly took his boxer short down, stepped into the cubicle, closing the door behind them, almost afraid that what they were doing would seep out and become less than just theirs. He placed his hands on Dean's hips, Dean felt the heat from his hands and considered that it seemed to make him worse and comfort him simultaneously.

"That was sudden," Cas said and paused to slowly push in, Dean groaning in relief. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm good," Dean said. "But I think it's starting to get worse." He pushed back on Cas when he didn’t move. "I'm not in pain."

Cas looked down then slowly began to move, much to Dean's delight. It was short-lived however as Cas stayed gentle and slow.

"Cas, faster, come on," he said.

"I'm pacing," Cas said. "You just said it was getting worse."

"Yeah, as in I'd really appreciate it if you'd fuck me into the tile about now." He pushed back.

"Dean, you are making this-"

"Cas, don't be such a baby-" He tried to push back again.

Dean jumped when Cas slammed him against the wall and he felt Cas’ breath on his ear as he spoke in a calm manner at normal level. "It's the first night, I will fuck you however I want until I believe your body can take more." He leaned closer and whispered, "And then you'll know what I can do to you-" Dean closed his eyes and groaned, trying to move his hips but Cas slammed them again. "Do you think I don't want to screw you hard against this wall?" Dean moaned as Cas' voice rumbled in his ear. "But until you are ready I'm being careful."

"Cas, I know-" Dean swallowed. "Sorry, I know, I just can't help it."

"It's your heat," Cas said. "But you need to listen to me or you'll end up hurt. And I'd give you nothing before I'll let that happen. Is that what you want?"

Dean shook his head fervently. "No, no Cas. I'll try but if I'm like this now-"

"That's why I need you to let me do it right now, so that later you can take it when I pound into you so hard you pass out."

Dean groaned, his knees going a little weak. Cas caught his hips and put his left arm around his front then pushed it against the tile again.

"I’ve got you," he said. "I'm going to do this quickly-" Dean nodded, his eyes closed. "Then I'm going to help you wash and then we're going to sleep, okay?"

"Yeah," Dean said and gripped Cas' arm with his left hand and tried to lean against the tile with his right.

"We’ll wait until you're okay," Cas said, holding him there.

"Just do it," Dean said.

"I am not going to fuck you while you're barely conscious. The only reason I haven't pulled out is because I think you really need me to cum in you right now but only once you're aware." He kissed Dean's neck, holding his head with his right hand. "You're okay," Cas said. "Don't panic," he said, Dean was idly thinking that he _was_ getting drunk and turned on by that voice. "It's most likely a shock of the cessation of the tablets and then a hormonal overload, because you're not used to it. Plus emotional and physical exhaustion of it all. Once you sleep you should feel better."

Dean was feeling his head clear somehow, like he was following his voice through the haze. Not following sobriety through a drunken fog but rather following the influence through sobriety.

"Yeah," Dean said. "I want-" He sighed and padded his feet, planting them firm but Cas' hold didn't loosen. 

"What do you want, Dean?"

"Want you," Dean said and let his head fall back against Cas' shoulder. "Want you to get me through all my heats."

Cas figured Dean was more exhausted than he'd seemed and probably a little delirious for it.

"Dean, I'm a little worried-" Dean shook his head. "I'm going to pull out-"

"No!" Dean said. "Cas, no-" He tried to turn to look at Cas. 

"Dean, I-"

"Just cum, Cas," Dean said. "I'm trying so hard not to do anything, like you said. Please." Cas felt Dean's hand tightened around his left arm, not restricting him but pleadingly.

Cas paused and then began slowly moving in and out. He kissed Dean's neck, closing his eyes as he inhaled Dean through the mist and getting lost in it all. "I can still smell you through the water, Dean."

Dean groaned and pushed back a little, Cas caught a whispered apology on his lips.

"It's okay to push back a little," Cas said in his ear and Dean immediately did that then more as the knot began to form at the base of Cas' cock.

"Dean-" Cas said.

"I'm sorry," Dean said. "I can't- I just need you to knot me, Cas. Come on."

Cas didn't even answer he just pulled out enough not to do what Dean wanted.

"Dean-" Cas reached around and began stroking Dean's dick.

"Cas, come on!" Dean pleaded but Cas' hand kept him in place as he started to cum Dean groaned at the feeling and started to cum too. He finished quicker than Cas' but he did try to push hard against Cas as he was spurting.

"Dean!" Cas said and then used his right hand to spank Dean's right buttock. "You'll get the knot when I say you get it."

"Did you just spank me?" Dean asked, mildly amused as Cas tightened his arm around him. 

"Yes," Cas said.

Dean hummed with a smile. "Not exactly a deterrent."

"Really?" Cas asked, kissing Dean's neck but Dean just smiled.

Cas helped Dean wash and, when Dean got out to brush his teeth, he gave himself a quick wash. He got out as Dean walked through the door rubbing a towel into his hair and Cas began to brush his teeth with a spare under the sink.

When he got to the bedroom it was dark and the only light was coming in the window. The rain had stopped but there was still some on the window and it cast little dark shadows on the bed.

Cas looked at Dean already on his way to sleep in the middle of the bed. Cas lay down on Dean's left and Dean rolled towards him. Cas smiled, pulled the sheet around them and held Dean to him.

>><< 

Dean dreamed of nothing else but being fucked. He was in bed or in the shower, he was on his balcony or on the couch, in the office or in the closet.

Cas woke a few hours after they'd fell asleep to Dean moaning and rutting against his leg, sweating like he was ill.

"Dean?" Cas said, trying to wake him. "Dean," Cas tried again, putting Dean on his back and feeling his forehead. "Dean, wake up!"

Dean woke with one big inhale and looked at Cas. "Cas-" he said before his eyes had focused. "I feel- I need Cas-" 

"I'm here," Cas said just as Dean's eyes focused and he relaxed into the bed.

"Cas, need you-" His eyes began to close again.

"Okay," Cas said and tapped Dean's face, wakening him up. "But only if you stay awake, Dean."

Dean looked to Cas and nodded, opening his eyes and legs wide. "Yeah, yeah just do it."

Cas looked over his face then looked down as he positioned himself. He slid all the way in and Dean groaned as Cas did, he hadn't managed all the way before.

"You're so wet," Cas said and leaned over Dean, elbows on the pillow.

"You're so-" Dean groaned, moving his hips. "You're so big-"

"It's just because I've gone in all the way," Cas said. "You've not had that yet."

Dean moaned. "Cas? Take a compliment, I don't dish ‘em out easily."

Cas smiled and wiped a hand over Dean's forehead, moving the wet hairs stuck to his skin and kissed him.

"You're still not ready for a knot," Cas said and Dean grunted. "But soon," he said and began to move.

"Soon?" Dean asked and grabbed at Cas' arms then neck.

"I promise," Cas said and picked up his speed.

Dean nodded and Cas started kissing his neck. Dean smelled something he hadn’t in a long time. It was like honey and fresh air, he recognized it but still didn’t know what it was. And it was so much more potent than all of those years ago. 

"What is that?" he asked, feeling like he needed more of it. 

"What's what?" Cas asked and pushed in hard, making Dean moan. "That?"

"Keep doing that," Dean said, his mouth hanging open. "But that smell-" He groaned and then moaned when Cas hit the spot again. He leaned to Cas' neck and inhaled, it hit him like an orgasm without the semen and he moaned. "Cas, is that you?"

Cas leaned back to look at him. "You can smell me now? You couldn't before?"

"No, I smelled that a little, years ago but not like this, what is that?" He groaned loudly. "I want that to be the only thing I smell. I need that, it makes me-"

"Dean, that means you're properly found your heat, whatever you’re smelling I always smell like this. The remnants of your-" He grunted as he pushed in and Dean kissed his neck and up to his ear where he moaned. "-suppressors must have hid it from you."

"It's like crack," Dean said, his movements becoming more desperate. "Aw fuck! Cas, don't stop." He pulled at Cas' neck, running his hands into Cas' hair and then moving back, unsure of what he wanted to do or needed but his breathing became erratic and he couldn't decide whether he could take anymore of Cas' scent as he tried to inhale before he pulled away again, turning his head. He'd then move to inhale him again. 

Cas quickened his speed aware that Dean going to hurt himself if he didn't get something right now. Cas came as quick as he could, keeping the knot out.

Dean sighed and then grunted in frustration. "Again," he said, feeling himself calm but not entirely satisfied.

"I told you, you're not ready," Cas said as he pulled out. “Do you feel better?"

Dean nodded and hummed when Cas felt the temperature of his head and neck. "That's nice," he said. "I got really needy there, I'm sorry."

"Dean, that was the proper beginning of your heat-"

"What?" Dean asked, looking up at Cas. “I didn’t smell that six years ago, at least not like that.”

"You were probably too overwhelmed by everything, plus you’d barely started. And we’ve had sex, you’re more attuned to me now. We've only been building up to your heat. You'll notice a difference now. It's going to get a lot worse."

Dean swallowed and looked to the side. 

"It's okay to be scared," Cas said and Dean looked at him. "I'm here." Cas looked to the side. "In fact, I'm going to go to one of those all-night stores, get some things-" He began to get up.

"Wait, what? You can't say you're here and then leave me?" Dean leaned up on his elbows.

"I was going to wait until morning to get some supplies but it's better I go now when you're at the very start and I have the time."

"Wh- What things?" Dean asked, swallowing panic.

"Dean," Cas sat back on the bed and looked at him, "I'm coming back."

Dean lay back on the bed and sighed. "Yeah, sure," he said, disbelieving.

Cas huffed as he pulled his trousers up and stood to fix them. "I am," he said.

"After how many other omegas?" Dean said and then screwed his face up.

"Do you really think that?" Cas asked, pausing to look at Dean.

"No," Dean said and looked at Cas. "I don't know where that came from."

Cas smiled weakly and looked on the ground. He picked up his shirt and looked at Dean then dumped it on the bed and found Dean's t-shirt. He pulled that on instead.

"You seriously think that's a good idea? Smelling like an omega in heat?" Dean asked, turning his head to Cas.

"Yes," Cas said as he found his shoes. "An alpha can smell like his omega it's not uncommon." 

Dean looked at him. " _His_ omega?"

Cas didn’t notice the emphasis. "That way it doesn't matter who is in heat, I'll smell you and other omegas won't smell an alpha. What you smelled before is how other omegas in heat will smell me if I don't wear this."

Dean moved towards Cas as he sat down on the edge of the bed lifted up on bended knees behind him, he kissed his neck. He could smell something he couldn't identify and that honey. It was masked by the unknown smell. For some reason he thought it might smell like loyalty but then he thought himself crazy; you couldn't  _smell_ loyalty.

"You better get back here quickly," Dean said. "Or I'll fuck myself."

"Don't you dare," Cas barked and it was the first time Dean heard him sound genuinely alpha since he’d growled all those years ago, the bass in his voice rattled something in Dean, enough to stir him up. "I'll do it when I come back. Do not touch." He stood up and found his wallet and car keys.

"Cas, you keep talkin’ like that I won't be making promises." Cas turned to see Dean stroking himself.

Cas watched him for a few seconds, his jaw tight, then suddenly turned on his heels and stormed out of the apartment. Dean's hand stopped in shock then it fell away. He felt embarrassed so he turned onto his right and tried to sleep. There was an itch in him that noticed Cas' absence more than he thought possible and he couldn't help it when he reached for Cas' shirt and put it on the pillow to lie on, inhaling every ounce of the scent the fabric had to offer. 

 >><<

He was woken an hour later by a light bang and then footsteps approaching. He turned to see Cas undoing his pants in the darkness, he dropped the shirt off the side of the bed with a stretch of his arm and acted as if he hadn't been holding it.

"I didn't think you were coming back," Dean confessed while Cas slipped his shoes off and then let his pants fall. "Thought I'd pissed you off."

Cas pulled the t-shirt over his head and climbed on the bed. "I wanted to hurry so I could get back here-" He kissed Dean hard. "And fuck you."

Dean groaned and pulled Cas in closer, opening his legs to let Cas in.

"How's your heat?" Cas asked.

"I want you to fuck me," Dean said and pushed back.

"But you're not in need?" Cas asked, lifting up to look at him.

"I will be," Dean said and pulled Cas back in for a kiss.

Cas kissed him but moved his hips away.

"What-?" Dean asked.

"I'm not going to do it unless you need it," Cas said and kissed down Dean's neck.

"You realize you've done a complete one-eighty on that, right?" Dean said, feeling over Cas' back.

"It's necessary during a heat, you'll see," he said.

"You know," Dean said, "you seem to know a lot about it for someone who hasn't done it before."

"Well, if _you_ don't want a heat you can take a pill; for an alpha to resist an omega in heat requires work, it requires research. I do mediation, yoga, acupuncture, I see a therapist," Cas inhaled, thinking about what she'd say about this.

"And what did your therapist think of what we did in the store room?" Dean asked.

"I haven't told her," Cas said.

"Why not?" Dean asked and Cas pulled back to look at him. "Are you ashamed?"

"No," Cas said. "But she's been encouraging me to give in for a long time. Even said I should try a beta, that way I'd know. She offered herself at one point-"

"What?" Dean asked, the confusion showing on his face.

"She was being ironic," Cas said. "She makes jokes like that all the time, she tries to unnerve me into saying things I wouldn't normally say."

"Like what?" Dean asked, not sure how he felt about this woman throwing herself at his- At Cas.

"Just blurt out truths that I would normally deny," Cas said. "She'd be far too happy about all of this for me to handle."

"Aren't _you_?" Dean asked, then looked away as he tried to move from where he was lying. "Sorry, I don’t know why I asked that."

Cas pushed him back to lying down, not about to let Dean feel bad about needing reassurance. "Yes, I'm happy about this I just don't want her rubbing it in my face."

"Okay," Dean said and smiled awkwardly. "I need to- the bathroom."

Cas realized he was holding Dean down at the shoulder. "I'm sorry," he said and let go so Dean could get up. "Sorry," he repeated and Dean left the room. "I'm sorry," he said again, looking at his shaking hand.

Dean went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He ran the tap, urinated into the toilet, then came back to turn the tap off. He used the water to clean the mess he'd made while asleep and under Cas. He didn't want to admit that Cas' more aggressive nature had turned him on and then some.

He left the bathroom after cleaning and got to the bedroom door before he grabbed the doorframe and groaned. Cas looked up from his place in the bed and Dean's eyes closed, his knees a little weak. He walked to him and put his hands on Dean's face, making Dean open his eyes and look at Cas.

Dean smiled weakly. "I just washed," he said then leaned to kiss Cas who let him and then picked him up and dropped him on the bed with a bounce.

"Gee, thanks Cas," Dean said with a chuckle then looked as Cas moved down the bed and opened Dean's legs, looking at his hole.

"That's really not my best side," Dean said. "It's dark, what you tryna see?"

Cas got up from the bed and, without warning, turned the light on.

"Ah, Jesus Cas!" Dean said and shielded his eyes, turning to the side.

Cas turned him back around and looked. "I'm checking you haven't been torn or washing too much." He stood up again and turned the light off.

"Satisfied, Dr Lecter?" Dean asked.

"Do you want me to eat you, Dean?" Cas asked as he settled back on the bed and Dean chuckled, his hips rolling.

Dean gasped when he felt Cas lick at his opening once and then he paused before he did it again, not pausing this time before he continued. Dean moaned, his hands grabbing the sheets as Cas felt the taste and smell drive him mad, it was pulling the alpha part of him to the forefront after he'd spent years burying it.

He put a hand to Dean's dick and Dean groaned louder. He could barely control himself any longer. He leaned over Dean and kissed him hard, his own fluid smearing on his lips. Cas was well aware he was trying to make Dean need it but he couldn't help it, _he_ needed it. 

"Cas-" Dean said once he'd pulled back. "You shouldn't be breathing like that."

Cas suddenly realized his chest was heaving and his heartbeat rapid as hell.

"Dean, I-" He grunted. "I feel like I _need-_ "

"Then do it," Dean said. 

"But _you_ don't need-"

"Yeah, yeah, I do," Dean said with a chuckle. "Ever since I could smell you I feel like I've needed it every time you’re close." He reached down and took Cas' cock in hand and put its tip to his opening. "Do it." Cas couldn't say no so he pushed all the way in and Dean keened. "Cas, fuck!" He exhaled. 

Cas cupped his face and brought it down to look at him. "What's wrong?"

"I will never get sick of that feeling," Dean said with a smile.

Cas smiled in relief. "What about this one?" He pulled back slowly and then went to town, increasing his speed and pushing into Dean with as much force as his body would let him. 

Dean ate it up, almost cheering Cas on in his muttered chants, "Cas, yeah like that, fuck don't stop, yeah." Dean tensed up. "I'm gonna cum, baby," he said and Cas could merely nod as Dean did just that. “Fuck!” he said and exhaled, feeling it on his abdomen between them but it hadn’t deterred Cas.

Dean was coming down as he heard Cas grunting and saying his name, and he realized that Cas wasn't pulling out, he was pushing harder and harder. Cas was kissing his neck and mumbling in Dean's ear.

"Fuck, you're gonna knot me, aren't you?" Dean asked and Cas nodded making Dean groan, his dick giving one last twitch. "Tell me."

Cas leaned back and kissed Dean’s lips once before he spoke against them, "I’m going to give you what you want, Dean." 

"Yeah," Dean said.

"I’m-" He moaned. "-going to knot- you."

Dean nodded and kissed Cas again. "Do it, I can take it, babe, I can."

"I know," Cas said and looked down before he pushed in three times harder than usual and then moaned Dean's name as he came, fully seated in Dean.

Dean let his head fall back to the bed and exhaled with a smile on his face. "Finally," he said.

Cas kissed the front of his neck, down then up to his chin. "You happy?" he asked.

"Yeah," Dean said. "Yeah, that feels good." He opened his eyes. "Doesn't it?"

Cas nodded. "Yes," he said. "It's oddly comforting."

"I know," Dean said. "Just as well I can't have kids."

Cas paused. "Is that confirmed?"

Dean looked at him. "Don't worry Cas, I'm not about to make you my baby daddy."

"That's not why I was asking, Dean. I asked out of concern for you," Cas said, thinking back to his moment of panic in the car. "I knew that children was a possibility when we started this."

"Did you?" Dean asked, almost throwing it away. "I didn't think that far ahead."

"You didn't?" Cas asked.

"I just-" Dean ran his fingers through Cas' hair. "I just couldn't let you go."

"I don't understand," Cas said, looking over Dean's face.

"Neither do I," Dean said. "I just know that you've been in my head since I met you. You let me stay in your apartment that night but I let you stay in my head for years. You're still there." Dean turned his head away, closing his eyes tight and tears quickly falling from them. "I don't know what I'm talking about, ignore me."

Cas lifted his left hand and gently wiped the tears from Dean's right eye, then used his right to wipe Dean's left. "Hormones," Cas said and Dean looked at him. "That's my guess." He kissed his lips. "Shall we consider it that?"

Dean nodded slowly and more tears fell. "Yeah," he said and then chuckled embarrassed. "Yeah, please."

Cas kissed his jawline and let him cry. "It's okay," he said at random intervals, when it felt needed. "It's just the heat," he would add. When he saw Dean cringe he would tell him, "Don't, Dean. It's okay. You don't have to be embarrassed with me." Dean would nod then and Cas would close his eyes before he would start all over again.

In the end the two fell to the side and Cas watched Dean sleep until he succumbed himself.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's second last day in heat tests them both, but as Cas drops a bomb, the last day is about to get a whole lot worse.

When Cas woke again he was alone and it was light throughout the apartment. He found a pair of Dean's pajama pants and threw them on before he walked into the main room. He heard the shower shut off and Dean emerged in just a towel. He paused when he saw Cas standing there and then, looking ashamed, he put his head down and walked into the kitchen.

"Hey, you're uh, you're awake," Dean said.

Cas saw a paper bag on the kitchen table. "You've been outside," Cas said and looked at the bag on the sitting room table that he'd left there the previous night, trying to think what he could have forgotten that Dean would need so much that he would go outside for it himself in the middle of his heat. 

"Yeah, my heat must be over," Dean said and went to the fridge as Cas turned back to look at him.

Cas' brow dipped in confusion as he stepped towards him. "It's over?"

"Yeah, yeah," Dean said and kept looking in the fridge.

Cas walked towards him and Dean moved away from him to the other side of the kitchen, taking a tub from the fridge at the same time.

Cas paused and closed the fridge as he moved towards Dean. "Let me check-" As he reached out Dean moved further away and Cas' hands dropped. "Did I do something wrong?"

"What, no?" Dean said and picked up the paper bag as he moved around the table to avoid Cas and walked to the bathroom again.

"Then what-?" He looked at the bag as he walked around the table, he only now registered the pharmacy stamp on it. "Dean, what are you-?" He followed him to the bathroom. "Dean, what is that?"

"Nothing, just some ointment for my- for my opening. You went to town." He chuckled.

"I hurt you?" Cas said, his face merging from confusion to shock and fear, and stepped into the bathroom. "Let me help you put it on. Dean, I'm _so_ sorry-"

"It's fine-" Dean dismissed it, not looking at him.

Cas put his hand on the bag and the other on Dean's back and Dean relinquished the bag to move away from him to the other side of the bathroom, scuttling like a scared animal, his head down.

The bag fell to the floor between them as Cas stood frozen on the spot and Dean pushed against the wall.

Cas looked at Dean, flat abut the wall and his eyes closed. Cas slowly lowered to pick the bag up, his eyes still on Dean.

"Cas, please don't," Dean said in a whisper, opening his eyes and looking at Cas properly for the first time since Cas had gotten up.

Cas ignored him as he straightened up and looked away to open the bag, Dean bowed his head as Cas took out a bottle of heat suppressors and Cas' stomach seemed to fall and squeeze together. 

"I can explain," Dean said, his voice still quiet and pleading.

Cas put them back into the bag and held the bag out. Dean hesitated before he took it. Cas turned and left the room.

Dean followed him, dropping the bag on the couch as he did. "Cas, where are y-?" He followed him to the bedroom but froze int he doorway, watching as Cas was pulling the bottoms off and picked up his underwear. He pulled them on and reached for his pants.

"Cas, I swear-" Dean shook his head, he didn't want Cas to go and it hurt to see it happening before his eyes.

"You don't need to explain," Cas said flatly.

"But-"

"You don't owe me anything," Cas said and found his shirt on the floor at the side of the bed where Dean had left it. He threw it on without buttoning it and it billowed open as he passed Dean and headed out then realized his shoes were in the bedroom too so he walked back, pulling at it, Dean turning to face him as he did.

"It's just, last night was-"

Cas sat on the bed and started putting his shoes on without tying them. "Really Dean," he interrupted, "it's your body. I don't need you to explain." He walked past Dean again.

"You don't care?" Dean asked.

"Of course I care," Cas spat, despite trying to keep all emotion out of his voice, as he headed to the door pulling it open.

"It sure looks like it!" Dean said and stopped when Cas slammed the door closed without going through it and turned, storming back towards him, the sides of his shirt curved out with the wind his movements caused again and there were clicks as his shoe laces hit the wooden flooring while he walked.

"I care, Dean! I care more than I've cared about anything in a long time but I can't tell you what to do with your life or your body. If you don't like this then maybe it's not your heats you have an aversion to, maybe it's me!" He aggressively pointed to himself. 

Dean's brow dipped. "Is that what you think?"

"What else could it be?" Cas asked. “Both of your heats have one thing in common – me.”

"It's easy for you!" Dean said and stepped back, throwing his hands around. "You're an alpha, you get to be the aggressive one, the one who fucks until he can't anymore. You don't have to worry about openings or wet thighs or showering too much. You don't have to lock yourself in somewhere for days hoping that no one breaks down the door and attacks you.” He passed his coffee table and armchair and stood in front of the window, as if trying to put as much space between them as possible. “And you don't have to be scared that your fucked up needy biology won't make you like it! You don't have to lie there and cry-" Dean began to cry as he gestured to the bedroom and Cas’ expression softened. "Feeling like an idiot, feeling like the most ridiculous thing in the universe." He turned and stared out of the window onto the balcony. "Yeah, it's easy for us when we don't want a heat, we just take a pill, like you said. But you have no idea what it's like on a heat and neither did I!" He looked down. "I thought actually having you there with me would make it easier."

"It doesn't?" Cas asked.

"No," Dean said and shook his head before he looked to the side briefly and wiped his right eye pointlessly. "No, because you give my heat focus. Everything I think and feel is directed to you. I don't even know where I got the words that were coming out of my mouth last night. That was some needy shit. You don't say that to someone you've known for a few days."

"But Dean," Cas said as he took one step between Dean’s couch and coffee table. "You've known me for six years." Dean turned his head to look at him. "Everything about me is directed at you too. Except that you've got a build-up of hormones and you have no experience with handling them. After this heat you'll know what to expect and it won't be as intense." He picked up the bag, gesturing it to Dean. "You can take these and by tomorrow be back to the you that you know and never look back to this. Alternatively, you could even take these until you’re ready to try this again. Or you can put these down right now and let me help you through the rest of this. Either way, I'm here for you." He dropped the bag on the table.

Dean gestured to the door as he turned towards Cas. “You were leaving,” he said, tears still falling down his cheeks.

Cas walked towards him, throwing his jacket on the couch and tried to wrap his arms around Dean who fought him. “Dean, come on,” he said and Dean slowly stopped fighting him, letting his hands fall and Cas hold him. Cas hushed him gently and Dean lifted his left hand to Cas’ back as he continued to cry.

“Leave,” Dean said, weakly.

Cas shook his head. “No,” he said and hugged Dean tighter before he pulled back to look in Dean’s eyes. “That’s what you want me to do, you want me to walk out on you and make this easier.” He shook his head. “And that’s not going to happen.” He kissed Dean and pulled him in for a hug again.

Dean closed his eyes and lifted his left hand to hold Cas’ shoulder and his right to wrap around his back.

“This sucks,” he said and sniffed.

Cas smiled a little. “Yes, it does. But there’s an upside.”

“Yeah?” Dean said. “It better be pie.”

“I was going to say there’s lots of sex,” Dean chuckled as Cas pulled back to look at him, “but if you need pie I’ll go and get it.”

Dean smiled a little and looked to the side. “Maybe later,” he said.

“Did you use the shower gel?” Cas asked and Dean looked confused so he pulled away and went to the bag he’d left on the table, Dean followed him and wiped his eyes. He took out a bottle and handed it to Dean. “It’s for omegas in heat,” he said as Dean read the label. “It helps with keeping your skin from drying out.”

Dean nodded and leaned to put it on the table. “Thanks,” he said.

“And so is this,” Cas showed him a bottle of moisturizer. “Can I-?”

Dean looked at him and his hopeful smile and sighed, rolling his eyes. “Okay, fine,” he said. “Any excuse to touch me.”

Cas smiled as he pulled Dean’s towel open, letting it fall to the floor, and then shook the bottle before he opened it. He put some on his hands and put the bottle between his legs as he rubbed his hands together. He started on Dean’s chest and shoulders and watched him close his eyes as Cas rubbed it in circles into his skin with firm hands. He leaned to get more from the bottle and moved Dean to the side to rub over his back, with the same firm circles.

Dean hummed and let his head bob forward while Cas ran his hand up Dean’s back then his neck, rubbing the sides of it too. He got more from the bottle and left it on the floor as he kneeled behind Dean and ran his hands over Dean’s buttocks, the backs of his legs and over the front of his feet.

“Turn,” Cas said and Dean did just that.

He ran his hand up Dean’s legs and over his hips and then took a hold of Dean’s left hand and began moisturizing it, before he moved to the right.

“You are allowed to touch it,” Dean said and looked down at Cas. “You’ve done more than that.”

“Just because you’ve allowed me to do something once does not mean I’m entitled to do it again without your permission,” Cas said. “And after everything I’m not sure-”

Dean got down on his knees beside Cas and looked down. “Don’t make me feel worse than I already do.”

“I’m not trying to,” Cas said. “I’m not making any assumptions. Just because I’m still here doesn’t mean you’ve decided anything. And even if you do, that doesn’t mean I can just touch your-” He stopped.

Dean smirked. “What?” He leaned in. “Penis?”

Cas smiled, a little laugh escaping his lips as he looked down. “Yes,” he said.

“Cas-” Dean said, almost choking on it, and looked down again. “Is this gonna get worse?”

Cas’ eyebrows raised. “I can’t say, Dean. I would expect it to.”

Dean sighed and leaned his left elbow on his coffee table. “If only it weren’t so embarrassing,” he said and they smiled.

“I meant what I said, you don’t have to be embarrassed with me,” Cas said and reached out to stroke Dean’s right arm.

“Easier said than done,” Dean said. “What else is in here?” He leaned over the table to try and get the plastic bag but then stayed there, leaning his elbows on the wood.

Cas tilted his head to the left and watched Dean move on his knees, that’s when he smelled Dean leaking.

“Protein shake,” Dean said. “Ointment, aloe vera-”

Cas moved on his knees to kneeling behind Dean, using his legs to move Dean’s further apart as he opened his pants and underwear then nudged the tip of his cock against Dean’s hole before he pushed all the way in. Dean groaned and dropped the ointment on the table and let his head hang.

Cas leaned over him as much as he could and said, “Next time, just tell me to fuck you.”

“Who said-?” Dean asked.

“I can smell you leaking,” Cas said.

Dean groaned and pushed back. “Wasn’t sure you’d want-” Dean said as he straightened up.

Cas ran his nose up Dean’s neck. “Dean, I’ve wanted you for six years, I always want you,” he said.

“Jesus,” Dean said in a rushed breath as he pushed back more.

“Wait,” Cas said and stopped, pulling out quickly to pull his pants and underwear off again then pushed back in. “They were itching.” They started to move again.

Cas lowered his arms, brought them under Dean’s and then let them rest on the table, Dean’s on top of his, while he leaned forward and moved his nose up and down Dean’s neck, letting his lips drag over the skin.

He felt Dean grab his arms and his left run down to take his hand, gripping it tight as they moved together.

“Is this good?” Cas asked him.

Dean chuckled as he nodded. “Yeah,” he said and his brow dipped. “Why, don’t you think so?”

Cas scoffed. “Yes,” he said. “I was just checking.” He pushed in hard and Dean groaned. “Are you sure?”

Dean chuckled again. “Blow me, Cas,” he said.

“That would be difficult to do right now,” he said. “But are you sure-?”

“Yes!” Dean said with a breathless laugh. “Yes, you are doing it right, is that what- what you want?”

Cas kissed behind his ear. “It’ll do,” he said and Dean looked to the side.

Cas exhaled a few times when his hips thrust hard and then when he tried to pull back his knot was caught, he groaned into Dean’s neck a few more times and then moaned his name as he came, the sound made Dean close his eyes and bite his lip.

"Well, this is awkward," Dean said, referring to the knot by which they were now joined in an inconvenient position.

Cas pulled Dean with him to lean against the couch, the weight of them pushing the couch back away from them and making them fall to lying down.

Both of them laughing and Cas rolled to his right, Dean lying beside him. Dean looked over his shoulder and they smiled at each other before Cas put his right arm along the floor. Cas put his left hand to cup the right side of Dean's jaw. "Lift," he said and when Dean did he put his right arm underneath.

There was a knock at the door and they froze, Dean looked at Cas and put his left index finger to his lips.

"Dean?" a woman's voice came from the other side. "Your car’s outside, I know you're in there."

"Shit," Dean mumbled and felt Cas kiss the back of his neck as there was louder knocking.

"Dean, come on, I'm pregnant with your baby!"

Cas paused and Dean turned to him, he shook his head and Cas' brow dipped.

"Dean, just tell me you haven't slipped and fell and died?"

Dean sighed. "I'm alive!" he shouted.

"I knew it! Open the damn door!"

"I- I can't!" Dean said. "Stop telling my neighbors you’re pregnant!"

"Then open the door!"

Dean relaxed on Cas’ arm, his shirt the only remnants of the argument earlier which almost had Cas walking out, when Cas chuckled against the back of his neck.

"Charlie, I know I've said it before but just trust me when I say I can't!" Dean shouted, sounding a little desperate.

"You could just tell her you're stuck on my cock," Cas whispered in his ear.

"Not helping," Dean said and elbowed him as Cas' left hand ran up his side. Cas nudged with the contact, a little exhale escaping his lips before he smiled. 

"I'll call Sam!" she threatened, knowing that'd usually work.

"Yeah, good, call Sam, he'll explain," Dean replied.

"Fine!" Charlie said, clearly annoyed.

"Your brother knows? I thought you were hiding me?" Cas asked, the cuff on his left sleeve dragging over Dean’s skin as he stroked his hand over it. It chaffed like Dean was more sensitive to any touch than he ever had been.

"He knows I'm on my heat. And I'm not hiding _you_ , just that I’m with an alpha," Dean said. "He'd be as happy as your therapist."

Dean felt Cas move and kiss his neck then up to his ear. He nudged Dean's hip down with his left hand and grunted with the feeling, he felt a sudden rush in his abdomen. "Shit-" he mumbled.

"What?" Dean asked, turning a little at the strain in Cas' voice.

"I'm going to cum," Cas said, grunting and then moaning, pulling Dean's hip hard as he thrust.

"That can happen?" he groaned when he felt it rush into him.

Cas grunted. "Rarely," Cas said. "I'm sorry. It must be due to my lack of experience." He exhaled in Dean's ear.

"Or my amazing hole," he said.

"Yes, or that," he said and pulled Dean closer with both arms.

"So, we're stuck here?" Dean asked.

"Unless you want to try and move?" Cas leaned over him and Dean leaned back where they shared a look. 

This resulted in Cas holding Dean with his left arm and using his right to help them slide across the room to the kitchen both of them walking their feet to aid them, they stopped once with a big squeak and Cas hissing, indicating he'd almost got a burn on the outside of his right thigh from the wooden floors. They managed to get a tub of food from the refrigerator and threw it in the oven as they sat next to it. When it was warmed up they sat eating rice and chicken from it with two forks.

"This is really good," Cas said.

"Thanks," Dean said.

"So, who was that at the door?" Cas asked.

"That's Charlie," Dean said. "She's another bounty hunter we sometimes team up with." He glanced to Cas. "She's not pregnant with my baby, or anyone's baby. She says that stuff to embarrass me into opening the door." He took a bite. "Usually works."

Cas took more on his fork. "Your brother, is he the one with long hair I saw you with?"

"Yeah," Dean said. "Big dumb ass freak of nature but he's family, whatcha gonna do?"

"He's older than you?"

"No, no, he's just a kid," Dean said. "Nineteen." He looked at Cas. "Since we're on the subject; how old are you?"

"Twenty-seven, and you?" Cas asked.

"Twenty-three."

Cas thought about it. "So you _were_ seventeen."

"Yeah," Dean said, not sensing the emphasis. "So, how come you don't work in accounting anymore?"

"The first time I left because of what I did. The second time the firm was downsized and the third firm went into administration."

"You don't have much luck, do ya?" Dean said.

"I think it's getting better," Cas said and Dean smiled as they stayed there eating rice and chicken on the kitchen floor, stuck together.

 

When the knot eased Cas picked up his clothes and folded them, leaving his shirts with them on the table. Dean washed quickly and went to the couch without covering up where he watched Cas pick up his jacket and walk to the door to hang it up again. When he looked Dean looked away, bowing his head like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t.

“Do you still think I’m going to leave?” Cas asked, he walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge. He took out two bottles of water and walked back to the couch, sitting on Dean’s right.

“No,” Dean said, taking the bottle Cas handed him and leaned forward to put it on the table.

Cas held out the bottle he was holding. “Drink,” he said. “You will get dehydrated.” Dean grumpily snatched it from him. “And don’t get moody with me when I’m just trying to look after you.”

Dean opened the bottle. “Yeah, because that’s all omegas do,” he said. “Get hormonal.” He scoffed and took a small sip.

Cas sighed and leaned to his left a little to rest his head on Dean’s shoulder, Dean paused with the movement. “You know that’s not what I think,” he said, sounding sad.

Dean exhaled through his nose and then leaned his head on Cas’ and smiled a little.

Dean’s cellphone rang and Cas straightened up, looking to the end table on his right and then reaching for it he brought it over himself and held it out for Dean who took it and looked at the caller ID, seeing it was Sam he answered it, putting it to his ear.

“Eliot Ness,” Dean said and leaned forward to put the bottle on the table again. He watched Cas watch him and missed his touch.

 _“Very funny,”_ Sam said.

Dean nudged Cas and he looked at him, he gestured his head and Cas smiled before he lifted his left arm over Dean’s head and hugged him to his chest.

“What’s up?” Dean asked as he leaned to the right, closing his eyes as Cas kissed the left side of his neck.

_“Charlie said you wouldn’t let her in, what’s wrong?”_

“Nothing, Sam. I’m in heat, Charlie’s an alpha-”

“ _Oh yeah,”_ Sam said. _“She’s not into guys though?”_

Dean’s face winced, he’d hoped Sam wouldn’t pick up on that. “I didn’t think of that, I just panicked. She wouldn’t be into me but I might be into her.” Cas looked to him. “That could turn awkward.”

 _“Yeah, I guess,”_ Sam said. _“Well, as long as you’re okay.”_

Dean looked to Cas who looked away. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” he said.

 _“Did you call that number?”_ Sam chanced.

Dean sighed and hung up. “Pain in the ass,” he muttered and leaned forward to put his cell on the table, Cas loosening his hold to let him.

“Charlie’s an alpha?” Cas asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said, leaning back. “Which is why she is not, nor will she ever be pregnant with my baby.”

“Alpha females can still get pregnant,” Cas said and, judging by the look on Dean’s face it was news to him. “And not even if you were in heat?” Cas asked.

Dean glanced to him, seeing something there that he read as a sort of confusion that required elaboration. “I’m not gay, I swing both ways,” Cas watched him, “Charlie is my best friend and I don’t see her that way but I don’t know how I would react to an alpha, even a friend.” He looked down as Cas kissed his neck again, the right side this time.

“It’s okay, Dean,” Cas said and kissed him again. “Is Sam okay?”

“Yeah, tryna get me to call one of those damn alpha services again,” he said.

“Why don’t you?” Cas asked.

Dean smiled and turned to look at Cas who just looked at him. So Dean turned on the spot, putting his right hand on Cas’ shoulder as he straddled him. “Because,” he said and paused as he settled on Cas' lap, looking down at Cas, “I already have an alpha for my heat and I’m not paying him.” He leaned into Cas. “He wants to be here.”

“Yes,” Cas said and ran his hands up Dean’s back, noting it was warm and somewhat damp with sweat, “he does.”

Dean closed his eyes and hummed. “That’s so nice,” he said in a whisper.

“It’s a result of the pheromones in my sweat-” Cas began.

“Cas, it wasn’t a question,” Dean said and lifted his weight further. “Can I?” he asked.

Cas nodded and lifted his hips to push the pajama bottoms down enough to free himself with his right hand and position his dick. “Yes,” he said and groaned when Dean sunk down then kissed him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean said and cleared his throat when it broke.

Cas picked up the forgotten bottle and held it out to him. Dean sighed and took a drink before leaning back and discarding it to the table behind him again, Cas’ hands on his back supporting him.

“Happy?” Dean asked, stubbornly as he looked back to Cas.

Cas smiled, looking at Dean for a few seconds. “Yes,” he said and then kissed Dean again, grunting when Dean attempted to move, lifting minutely. “Are you sure you don’t want to trade me in for another alpha?” he said quietly to him.

Dean shook his head. “Uh-uh,” he exhaled, “no way, honey.”

“Honey?” Cas asked as he moaned gently into Dean’s open mouth.

“That’s what you smell like,” Dean said. “Sweet, sugary.”

“You smell like whiskey,” Cas said and Dean laughed. “Firewood, earth-” He groaned and thrust his hips, watching as Dean gasped a little. “It’s beautiful.”

Dean smiled gently, slightly embarrassed. “Shucks,” he said and they stopped talking.

Cas’ hands didn’t go to Dean’s hips to guide him and Dean realized that for the first time, it was Dean’s turn to really take the wheel.

He knew what he was supposed to do, and made an unsure attempt at it, but the lack of rhythm in his movements and the unsynchronized feeling of his hips, lips and hands, gave away his inexperience. It was clear he knew what he was supposed to do, he’d seen enough porn, but actually carrying it out himself clearly invoked a level of anxiety he hadn’t anticipated. And with each feeling, any movement he _was_ able to make seemed to stutter and go off course.

He hung his head, grunted in frustration and he stopped his movements, his hands slipping from Cas’ shoulder to his sides.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Cas asked, when he didn’t answer Cas lifted his head to look at him. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, even if your heat-”

“I want to, Cas,” he said and widened his eyes. “Every inch of my skin is buzzing with- with-” He looked to the side. “Arousal.”

Cas looked to the side. “That’s what I was going to say; even if your heat is driving you to do this, you don’t have to, I could just be here while you wait it out.”

Dean looked to him. “Cas, I feel like this because of you.” Cas didn’t look to him. “Cas, I do-”

“No,” Cas said and looked at him. “You think you do, but you don’t.”

Dean looked over Cas’ face, his eyes narrowing slightly a his mouth fell open a little in a sudden flash of anger. “Is that what you’re doing?” Cas tilted his head. “Are you just an alpha reacting to an omega?”

“Dean, no-” Cas said, his eyes trained on Dean.

“How am I supposed to believe you?” Dean said. “If you won’t believe me, then how do I know I can believe you?”

“You think I’m projecting?” Cas asked. “I’m not the one controlled by your heat.”

“Funny because I’ve heard that defense used in court,” Dean said, his jaw tight.

“Why are you so mad?” Cas asked him and narrowed his eyes. “You can’t hate alphas this much after just a couple of nights in a bathroom.”

Dean’s eyebrows raised. “ _Just_ a couple of nights in-?”

“That’s not what I meant,” Cas said and his voice was so soft that Dean believed it, he believed that this conversation hadn’t gone how either of them had wanted.

Dean leaned into him. “Can we not do this?” he said quietly and Cas’ eyes moved to him, his eyes going to Dean’s lips. “I don’t want to argue with you.” He tilted his head to the right and kissed Cas once and quick and then did it again.

This time Cas kissed him a little and when Dean moved in again he kissed him for longer. And then he watched Dean lean back enough to look at him.

“Can we?” he asked.

Cas paused. “How much is it hurting you to wait to ask me that?”

Dean shrugged and Cas just looked at him so he grunted a little. “Yeah, okay? It hurts, all I want to do is move.”

“Then why don’t you?” Cas asked. “I know, it means too much to us, but I already said you could so why are you asking again?”

“Because we sorta argued,” Dean said. “And-” He stopped and his eyes twitched, betraying his pain.

“And what?” Cas asked. “Why did you stop in the first place?”

“I-” Dean said and then sighed. “I don’t know what I’m doing, okay?” he said and Cas looked confused.

“Dean, we’ve already-”

“ _You_ have,” Dean said and Cas looked at him. “You did it all.”

Cas lifted his head a little in realization and then leaned his head forward, close to Dean’s as he moved his hands to Dean’s thighs and slowly began running them upward.

“We can do it together,” he said and Dean looked down to Cas’ hands as they reached his hips. “If you want?”

Dean looked up to him and hesitantly nodded.

“Yes?” Cas asked.

“Yeah,” Dean bashfully agreed.

Cas used his hands around Dean’s hips to slowly begin to move him and Dean, pliant in Cas’ hands, let him. He exhaled hard as he moved.

Cas moved his head to the side, to talk into Deans ear. “Move with my hands,” he said.

Dean nodded a little and Cas felt Dean begin to hesitantly follow Cas’ direction.

“That’s it,” Cas said and kissed Dean’s neck as Dean’s eyes closed and his hands moved back to Cas’ shoulders, wrapping his arms around and running his fingers through Cas’ hair at the back.

Dean was merely moving back and forward so Cas moved his hands under Dean’s cheeks and lifted him a little and then lifted them to push on his hips. Dean took the hint and moved up and down as he rocked back and forth.

“Aw fuck,” Dean said.

Cas smiled and lifted his head to talk into Dean’s ear again as he heard Dean moan against his own ear. “Good?”

Dean nodded as Cas heard him breathing heavily. “Yeah,” Dean said.

Dean kept moving and soon Cas felt him move of his own accord and he moved his hands to Dean’s neck and jaw, kissing him. “Do you like that, Dean?” Dean barely nodded before Cas spoke again. “Fucking yourself on me.” Cas’ brow dipped and he wondered where that had come from.

“Yeah,” Dean said and it brought Cas out of his thoughts, making a fresh shot of arousal dash through him. “Gonna fuck you until you cum.”

Cas groaned and it turned into a low growl against Dean’s neck and he heard Dean moan as he paused, aware it was a common alpha move, just as he was about to apologize Dean spoke:

“You like me talking like this, babe?” Dean said, his lips against Cas’ ears and his hips not relenting. “It’s not enough that I’m riding you?”

Cas groaned. “It is but-” He moaned. “But-” He inhaled Dean’s scent as it seemed to get stronger.

“But you want me to say it, don’t you?” Dean moaned in Cas’ ear and he closed his eyes tight and growled in response. “You can’t help it, can you?” Dean asked and Cas shook his head. “Don’t try,” Dean said as Cas pursed his lips together. “Don’t, come on,” he said and then moaned again.

He smiled when he heard a growl in Cas’ throat turn into a moan he had to let out. He tilted his head and opened his mouth, his teeth running along the skin of Dean’s neck and Dean closed his eyes to it.

It was dangerous territory, for both of them, for Cas to make this gesture was the equivalent of telling Dean he was ready for commitment and if Dean hadn’t been in heat that’d be exactly what it was, basically a proposal. And the fact that Dean was allowing it was practically an acceptance – if he hadn’t been in heat. To Cas, anyway.

Plenty of couples had been bonded during a heat, some had lasted and some had not. Most had not. Barely sixty years ago it had still been common law that if an alpha bonded with the omega in the act then he couldn’t be convicted of rape as long as the bond lasted three years. And in some eastern cultures it was still common law, some even without the time limit.

However, Cas was different, and so was Dean. The only way they’d believe this behavior would be outside of a heat, even if neither of them had ever even thought about it yet.

In that moment, Cas’ doubts about what they were doing resurfaced, he was convinced than while he believed that Dean wanted him and it wasn’t just his heat he _did_ think that the intensity with which Dean seemed to be reacting to him was exactly that – because of his heat. So, when Dean kissed him Cas knew what it was; as far as he was concerned he may have wanted to kiss Cas any other time but anything Dean did for the next few days would always be because of his heat, in Cas’ mind.

Therefore, when Dean groaned and left his neck exposed, essentially accepting the behavior Cas knew it was nothing more than Dean being caught up in the moment.

Either way, it made him feel almost dizzy with lust and he felt his body suddenly rush to the edge of the cliff.

“Dean, don’t st-”

Dean took that as his cue and sped up his movements, coming down harder too. He smiled when Cas mouth opened wider, he moaned Dean’s name as his top teeth scraped Dean’s skin, upwards rather than downwards (if he’d bitten) and he thrust up as he began to cum.

Their chests heaved as they recovered. Dean ran his fingers through Cas’ hair and looked to his lips before he leaned in and kissed him hard. Cas’ left hand went to Dean’s hip and he held it as he lifted his hips a little. Dean groaned and, when Cas smiled against his lips, he broke off with a laugh.

"You're not gonna get in any further," Dean said.

"I wasn't trying to," Cas said and lifted his hand to Dean's face.

"What then?" Dean asked as Cas looked at his lips. 

"I like the sounds you make," he said and leaned to kiss Dean again who kissed him back.

"You do?" Dean asked, in between a kiss.

Cas just nodded as they kissed again and thrust up, and smiled when Dean groaned once again.

Dean laughed. "Kinky sonovabitch," he said in a rough whisper and kissed him.

They eventually lay down as they were, Cas' back to the couch and Dean's outward. Dean’s right leg lay straight against Cas’ but his left was over Cas’ hip, allowing for the knot connecting them.

He pulled Dean towards him, to stop him from falling, and to have him close. Dean pulled the blanket that was over the back of the couch over them and they lay there kissing every so often.

In one of the in-between moments Cas looked at Dean and saw him contemplating Cas' features for a few seconds before Dean spoke, "You've barely aged," he said.

Cas smiled. "You have."

"Gee thanks," Dean said with a smile.

"You have aged but that is not a bad thing," Cas said. "You've gone from a boy to a man." He kissed him once.

The smile on Dean's face morphed from anxious to slightly bashful. "You think so?"

"Yes," Cas said. "I remember those nights, I think about them a lot-" Dean looked away, the smile falling. "Please, don't," Cas said and the sadness in his voice made Dean look. "You were just a scared little boy, you've no need to be embarrassed. Remember?" Dean paused before he hesitantly nodded. Cas pursed his lips together. "Can I ask you a question?"

Dean paused briefly. "Sure," he said.

"You said you had nowhere to go?"

Dean waited then shrugged. "Yeah?"

"I would like it if you would tell me your story," Cas said.

Dean inhaled. "No offence Cas, but I really don't want to go into my past, I'd rather forget it."

Cas nodded. "Of course, I apologize, Dean." He smiled and then closed his eyes as he settled his head against the cushion he'd pulled there. 

Dean watched him before he tightened his left leg and pulled Cas to him. Cas groaned and Dean smiled when Cas did.

"I see what you mean," Dean said as he loosened his grip again.

"Do you?" Cas asked and opened his eyes to look at Dean.

Dean just looked at him. "Yeah, I didn't think your voice could get any better but when you're saying my name-" He bit his lip with a small smile.

"What about it?" Cas asked.

"It's like nothin' I've ever heard and I've heard Eric Clapton singing 'The Weight' with The Band."

Cas smiled weakly and looked down at Dean's neck, trying to find a spot to focus on.

"What?" Dean asked, his face falling to worry. "Was that embarrassing?" He cringed. "It was wasn't it?"

Cas shook his head and reached out his right hand to touch the skin there, tracing some freckles.

"It was," Dean said. 

"No, it wasn't," Cas said.

Dean brow dipped. "So why do you look different? You look sad or something."

"It's just-" Cas shrugged. "I don't know, I don't want to say anything and then you spend the rest of your heat trying to hold back your heat-talk, I want you to be able to talk to me."

"Heat-talk?" Dean asked.

"The things you'll say under the influence of your heat but not otherwise," Cas said.

Dean looked down to where Cas was touching and Cas let his hand fall then smiled at Dean as he looked back up. 

"How long do you reckon it'll be before we can eat?" Dean said. He winced and reached between them and when Cas looked down he was moving his balls from an uncomfortable position. He noticed they looked a little swollen and tried to think of the amount of times that Dean had ejacualted but was distracted by the question he was expected to answer.

"I'm unsure," Cas said as they settled again and looked at each other. "But I think we should eat a proper meal, we've been relying on cereal and small snacks."

"What do you suggest?" Dean asked. "I make a mean cheeseburger?"

"I've never had one of those before," Cas replied.

"What?!" Dean said, his eyebrows lifting. "Are you serious?" Cas nodded. "Are you a veggie or something?"

"No," Cas said and stroked Dean's side.

"How have you lived in America this long and not had a cheeseburger?" he asked.

Cas smiled and shrugged.

Dean's face changed to a small smile and he lifted his hand to Cas' jaw. "Whatcha smilin' for?"

"I don't know," he said and stayed looking at Dean. "I suppose your reaction made me smile."

"I don't understand it," Dean said, referring to the cheeseburger.

Me neither, Cas thought.

"Well, either way, that's decided. I can't let you live another day without having experienced the American signature dish," Dean declared.

"I thought that was apple pie?" Cas asked.

Dean lifted his hand from Cas' jaw and pointed to him. "Tell me you've had pie before?" Cas shrugged and Dean let his head hang back with a groan of frustration before he looked back to Cas. "Where have you been living?" He shuffled a little. "Okay, cheeseburgers and pie." He pointed to Cas and the raise of his eyebrows gave Cas the indication that it was a question.

"Yes," Cas said. "Sounds perfect."

Dean leaned forward and brought his lips close to Cas', stopping as Cas nudged forward to receive them, pulling back to deny him and then smiled. Cas lifted his hand to Dean's face and pulled him the rest of the way, kissing him hard and Dean did not refuse him.

They eventually fell apart but that didn't stop them lying there, wrapped in each other. 

"You know," Cas said in a hushed tone and Dean hummed, the tips of his fingers tracing the right side of Cas' hair line, "if we're having cheeseburgers and pie-"

"We are," Dean said and Cas smiled.

"Unless you have all that you need here, I will need to go to the store."

Dean exhaled and closed his eyes.

"You could come with me?" Cas said.

Dean immediately shook his head and opened his eyes, looking at where his fingertips were. "No," he said and let his hand fall between them, his eyes following them, "I can't do that."

"I can protect you," Cas said.

"You shouldn't have to!" Dean snapped. "Sorry," he said and closed his eyes tight, "I’m sorry."

It was Cas' turn to lift his hand but he cupped under Dean's jaw. "I know I shouldn't have to," he lifted Dean's face to look at him, "but I don't want you to be here alone and scared if you would rather come with me."

Dean shook his head. "We could just order the food," he said.

Cas exhaled. "You have to be on your own at some point, Dean." Dean nodded. "You just have to lock the door and stay here."

Dean nodded again. "Yeah."

"Why don't you go to bed?" Cas said. "I'll be a couple of hours at the most, and it'll feel like a few seconds."

"Yeah," Dean said and nodded. "Let me scribble down what you need." He rolled as he got up, his right foot hitting the ground hard and then he pushed off to find paper. 

Cas sat himself up and rubbed his hair quickly before he stood and walked into the bedroom to dress.

Dean took an inhale and exhaled nervously as soon as Cas couldn't see him and sat on the arm of the armchair scribbling down a list of what Cas needed to buy. He stood and went to the fridge to check if he had something then wrote it down.

Cas walked out of the bedroom completely dressed and Dean felt the unease return, wondering if he'd come back. He looked down to the list, checking it once more. 

Cas walked to the door and Dean took out his wallet as he walked to join him. Cas put his hand to Dean's and Dean looked up. "You can get the next one," he said and a smile passed over his face that Dean somehow found faked.

Cas leaned back and took his coat from the peg and Dean felt a sudden panic, a sense of doom. As if he were being abandoned and had to watch it happen. Cas took the list from Dean and it made him jump out of his thoughts as he relinquished the list.

"Beer?" Cas asked as he read it on the list. "Is that used in the cooking?"

"Yes," Dean said. "It keeps the chef happy."

Cas smiled and folded the paper to put it in his pocket.

"What will you drink?" Dean asked and Cas looked to him.

"I am fine with water, or I'll get some tea."

Dean nodded, seemingly hurt by that answer, and Cas looked at him, his eyes narrowing to confusion.

"Well, then," Dean said and smiled to him, "be safe." He started to walk away.

Cas watched him. "I will," Cas said watched Dean go into the bedroom and close the door. 

As he walked down the steps to the ground floor he wondered about Dean's reaction to his heat. He hadn't been as demanding as Cas had expected, not since the night he'd cried and that'd caused him to pull away from Cas.

Cas walked to his car just as a young man with Korean descent was walking up the stairs. He had a laptop bag over his shoulder, a file in his hand and a t-shirt with the code graphic from _The Matrix_ poking out of his zipped up hooded sweatshirt.

He walked up to Dean's landing, straight to his door and opened it without hesitation.

"Dean?" he said and closed the door.

Dean heard him and scrambled for pants before he opened the door. "Kevin, what are you doing here, man?" Dean asked, seeing that Kevin had put his laptop bag on the table and started looking through the file he'd placed open on top of it. He wasn't scared because Kevin was an omega too.

"I have a lead on a uh-" he stopped and sniffed. "On a uh-"

"You should go, Kev."

"There's a uh-" He winced. "Dean, what the hell is that?"

"That's me," Dean said, with a sigh. "I'm- I’m in heat- You should just go."

Kevin laughed. "You're in-?" He pointed to Dean. "You?"

"Kevin, please," he said. "Call Sam or Charlie, I'm on leave."

Kevin’s face fell, the smile disappearing as he realized that Dean was serious. "Yeah, yeah course," Kevin said, lifted his hands up in defeat and picked up his things. "I'm going, my bad." He opened the door. "Call me when you're back."

"Yeah," Dean said and walked to the door as it closed, locking it, then headed back to bed.

>><< 

Nearly two hours later Dean woke to banging at the door and he hazily remembered Kevin's visit, seeing himself locking the door.

"Shit," he said and got up, his eyes barely open. "I'm coming, Cas, I'm coming!" He shouted as he walked unsteadily to the door in the same pajama bottoms he'd thrown on earlier.

He went to the door and unlocked it, pulling it open as he spoke, "Sorry I locked it without thi-" He stopped when someone he didn't know, much taller than himself, stepped into the room. He was clearly an alpha, Dean could tell that from his looming stance. The way he stalked into the room made Dean stumble backwards, until his back hit the couch and the man was tilting his head to smell Dean.

He ran his left fingers through Dean's hair. "Hi," he said and smiled.

Dean considered that his voice sounded darker than his skin. He gripped the back of the couch with his left hand and found himself shaking. He suddenly felt like he was seventeen again and huddling in the stall of a bathroom, trying to avoid the danger right on the other side of the door. Except that it had burst through the door now and it was with him.

The smell of the alpha surrounded Dean, seeping into his skin like a poisonous gas. Dean tried to stop his breathing but, between the need for oxygen and the panic rising in his throat, he couldn’t help but inhale deeply a few times, as he tried to stop all together. His nostrils were crammed with the scents of gasoline and yet sand, electricity and salt, forged iron and dense air, like during a storm.

"I got here as fast as I could," the man said and smelled Dean's neck as he turned his face to the left and whimpered; it wasn't a wanting whimper it was fear and pain of some kind.

"It's okay, baby," the man said, "I know it hurts."

Cas got to the landing and saw that Dean's door was wide open and he padded to it, standing there he saw Dean cowering as an alpha loomed over him, his eyes squeezed shut and his body trembling.

"It'll stop hurting soon, I swear," the man said, lifted his right hand and took Dean's jaw in his, Cas watched Dean flinch. "Just..." he whispered and touched his nose along Dean's cheek, Cas heard Dean moan. 

Cas' brow dipped; it wasn't pleasure, it was the sound of someone being tortured.

"Just tell me what you want," the man said.

"Cas," Dean said and tried to moved further away from the man as he leaned back to look at Dean. "Cas, Cas, Cas," Dean said over and over again as if desperately praying.

Cas found himself low level growling in his throat as he walked into the room and put the bags on the table as the man turned to look at Cas. Cas walked to them and stood in between them so the man stepped back. Cas felt Dean put his hands on Cas' sides and his face against his back, taking heavy and audible inhales.

"Who are you?" Cas asked, his voice remaining base.

"Raphael," the man said as Cas straightened, trying to make himself seem bigger. "From the agency. The order didn't say there would be another alpha. That'll be extra."

"The agency?" Cas asked.

"You are Dean Winchester," he asked as he leaned to his right to look at Dean cowering behind Cas and still shaking, "right?"

"Dean?" Cas asked and turned his head to him.

Dean shook his head. "Didn't," was all he could say through his fear and relief.

Cas turned to look at Raphael again. "Who hired you?"

"Uh," he said and reached into his jacket to take out a piece of paper and when he unfolded it it looked like an invoice. "The order was a heat order for Dean Winchester but was billed to Sam Winchester."

"Sam," Cas said and then rushed to take his wallet out. "I'm sorry, there's been a mistake."

The man scoffed. "What?"

"The mistake is a miscommunication on our part, not your agency's." Cas took money from his wallet and folded it closed again. "Keep the fee, no one will ask for it back, take this for your trouble." He handed the man $100 who took it with confusion on his face. "We're very sorry."

He looked from Cas to Dean to the money. "Uh, Dean?" he said and leaned to look, Dean glancing to him. "You're okay, right?" He looked to Cas then to Dean. "This man isn't hurting you?"

Dean shook his head. "No," he said. "M'fine."

He hesitated before he shrugged and shoved the money in his pocket. "Okay, well if you change your mind." He fished for a card in his other pocket and held it out. "You're all paid." 

Cas took it. "Thank you," he said.

Raphael walked to the door and closed it behind him. Cas put it in his wallet out of convenience and tucked his wallet back in his coat pocket.

Dean rushed from behind Cas and locked the door, pulling the chain across. Then he walked to Cas, instead of wrapping his arms around Cas he tucked them to his chest and stood against Cas who slowly wrapped his arms around Dean.

"It's okay," he reassured and then couldn't help himself, "You wanted me," Cas said. 

Dean nodded. "Yeah," he said.

"What if I hadn't come back?" Cas said. "Why did you open the door?"

"Why wouldn't you come back?" Dean asked.

"I would but I mean what if I hadn't been here at that moment?" 

"I would have fought," Dean said.

"Would you?" Cas asked smelling the other alpha on Dean and feeling something possessive in him rile up.

"Yeah, Cas," Dean said. "I started this for you, not just any alpha." Cas inhaled and held Dean tighter. "Were you coming back?"

"Yes," Cas said and felt Dean turn his face into Cas' neck. "I'm always coming back to you."

"I feel dirty," Dean said and felt Cas nod. "I smell like him don't I?"

"Yes," Cas said, running his nose over Dean's hair. "Yes, I smell him."

"Come on," Dean said and pulled Cas' hand. "Help me get him off." He gestured to the bathroom and Cas followed him with a nod.

They got into the cubicle together and scrubbed Dean from head to toe with the heat shower cream, the smell disappearing. But Cas looked to Dean as he started washing Cas too.

"Do I smell like him?" Cas asked.

"No," Dean said. "Just want a clean slate." He cleaned Cas and then started scrubbing himself again, his movements becoming furious.

"Dean?" Cas asked and held his hands together as Dean looked at him. "He's gone, it's just us."

Dean turned away from Cas and held the sponge over his shoulder. "Can you?"

Cas took it and started gently washing his back again. Dean started to relax and closed his eyes to the feeling of Cas surrounding him, cleansing him. Cas' right hand ran around his stomach and his left dragged the sponge there too. Dean tilted his head to the left and Cas inhaled him as he ran his nose up there.

Dean moaned and Cas heard the difference than the last time he'd heard Dean moan.

"Cas-" Dean said. 

Cas kissed his neck and whispered, "Yes, Dean?" in his ear.

"Cas, come on," Dean said and pushed his hips back. Cas smiled a little and moved in between Dean's legs, pushing into him. He let the sponge fall to the floor.

Dean let his head hang and his left hand rested on the tile. And then he remembered sitting on the bathroom floor all those years ago and cowering when someone tried the door. Suddenly he could smell that alpha that had just left through the same door he'd burst through. As Cas started to move in and out of Dean, Dean started to panic and his reality blurred. 

"No," Dean said and gripped the wall as Cas' movements stuttered, "stop, I want Cas."

"Dean?" Cas asked.

Dean pushed his whole body back hard and Cas slammed into the shower door. "I want Cas!" The door gave way and Cas had to put his hands out to the sides to stop himself from falling while his left foot on the floor slid and he had to push his weight forward again.

He pushed Dean against the shower wall, purely to save them both an injury.

Dean whimpered in fear and shook his head. "I want Cas," he said.

"Dean, it's me," Cas said, over Dean's left shoulder and heard his panicked breathing stop. "Just listen to my voice, just close your eyes and concentrate on my voice, okay?" Dean nodded. "It's me." Dean nodded and closed his eyes as he let himself breathe again. 

"Just calm down," Cas said. "I'm not doing anything, just holding you still so we don't slip and hurt ourselves, okay?" Dean nodded again. "Whose voice are you hearing?"

"Cas," Dean said but it was more of a question than an answer.

"Yes," Cas said and Dean swallowed as his breathing calmed further at the confirmation. "And who is behind you?"

"Cas," Dean said, a little surer than before. 

"Come here," Cas said and used his left hand on Dean's head to gently guide his nose to Cas' neck. "What do you smell?"

Dean inhaled. "Water," he said.

"Again," Cas said and Dean did. "What do you smell?"

"Honey," Dean said and then inhaled again. "Ketchup and books."

"What else?" Cas asked.

Dean inhaled once more. "Desire," he said, opening his eyes and looking at Cas.

"You're okay," Cas said. "It's just us."

Dean looked at him. "You smell like blue, can a color have a smell?"

"You smell like green," Cas said. "So I'd say yes."

"Or we're both crazy," Dean said.

"Or that," Cas said and they smiled. 

"Do you know your dick is still in me?" Dean asked.

"Yes," Cas said. "What would you like me to do?"

Dean smirked at him. "Why waste a boner?"

Cas smiled before he leaned to kiss Dean's neck & thrust into him before he pulled out completely and thrust in without guiding, which was risky. But it worked. Dean groaned as he put his hands out to the wall.

"It's me," Cas whispered as he moved.

Dean nodded. "Yeah, it is."

 

After the shower Dean stumbled out of the bathroom and fumbled for the couch as if the effort of walking was almost too much. He held the towel around his waist as he got there. 

Cas retrieved a glass from the sink and filled it with water before he rounded the couch and offered it to Dean who looked at it with an exhale. "Drink, please."

Dean took it and took a drink while Cas sat himself down on Dean's left side, and Cas merely tilted his head at him so he began to drink more emphatically.

"I just want to make sure you're well," Cas said.

Dean drank at least two thirds of water before he gave it back to Cas who put it on the table. "I know," he said. "God I feel like crap." He leaned forward and rubbed his face with his right hand.

Cas put his right hand out to Dean's left shoulder and gripped it reassuringly. "Dean, should I call your doctor?"

Dean heard Cas' voice as if it were underwater or through a thick fog, one that had begun to fill the room the minute Cas had touched him.

He groaned. "Cas-" Dean reached out for Cas with desperate grasps.

"Dean?" Cas said and took Dean's hands in his but Dean continued to struggle.

"Cas please," Dean said.

Cas looked down to where Dean pulled at his towel.

"Dean, I-" Cas said.

Dean cupped his jaw, his fingers behind Cas' ear. "Cas, babe, please. I need-" He stopped and gasped. "Cas, I want you."

Cas exhaled and looked at him. Even through Dean's heat-induced haze he had enough cognition to think about how he was wording his sentences - meaning he had enough cognition to say no.

So, Cas stood up and Dean looked up at him. Cas put his hand out and Dean took it, standing up with a shake in his legs. Cas let his towel fall to the floor where he’d stood and neither of them made an effort to cover him up. 

Cas led him into the bedroom and Dean dropped his towel before he pulled the sheets back and climbed in. Cas closed the door and walked over to the bed, Dean held the sheet in the air and draped it around Cas as he leaned over Dean and looked down at him.

"Thank you," Dean said.

"For what?" Cas asked.

"For saving me, earlier," Dean said.

"You didn't need saving, Dean," Cas said. "That man didn't seem like he was going to do anything against your will. You could have defended yourself." He looked over Dean's face. "Why didn't you?"

Dean seemed to shrink at the question. "I- I don't know. It was like I was seventeen again and I was- I felt paralyzed by fear."

Cas ran his hand through Dean’s hair and his attention returned to Cas even though he hadn't realized it had left. 

"It's okay, now," he said. "Why did you open the door?" Cas had a strange look on his face, it was anxious.

"Kevin came up after you left, he's another hunter. I don't usually lock my door, I know a lot of bounty hunters, me and Sam work with too many, on different cases, it's just easier for this place to act as a sort of base."

"Hunters come and go as they please?" Cas asked.

"Well, no, we have the bunker for that but if they want my opinion they just drop in. He came up, and I got him to leave, when he did I locked the door without thinking. When there was a knock I thought I'd locked you out. I didn't check."

Cas sighed and just as he was about to speak Dean reached his hand to Cas' face. "I can't wait anymore, Cas, not without going back on promises."

Cas leaned into him. "You've done so well," he said and kissed Dean once. "I'm surprised."

"It means too much to us," Dean said.

Cas smiled before he suddenly dipped under the covers, being swallowed up by the darkness.

"Cas, wh-?" Dean was cut short and moaned as he felt a heat slid over his penis and suck. "Fuck!" he said and calmed a little, he threw the sheet off and looked down as Cas looked up. He smiled as he moved up and down along Dean's dick, the smell from Dean's pubic hair filling his nostrils. "Dammit!" Dean called and ran the fingers of his left hand through Cas' hair and he looked back to what he was doing.

Dean's opening leaked and Cas' nostrils flared when he inhaled hard, the smell spurring him on. He lavished varying touches and movements on Dean's cock. That was before he decided to slip two fingers into Dean's hole and pushed. Dean groaned louder as he writhed on the bed. His free hand went to his pillow and he grabbed it in a fist that, when Cas added another finger and pumped them, tightened.

"Aw, fuck," Dean said as he felt he balls tighten. "Cas I'm gonna cum- I'm gonna cum- fuck I'm gonna cum-" he warned in a panicked tone which was explained when he quickly arched from the bed and did so with a loud moan of Cas' name.

Cas wasted no time and had swallowed before Dean had even exhaled all the way. He moved up and leaned over Dean.

"Why'd you do that?" Dean asked through labored breaths.

"Other than I wanted to?" Cas asked and kissed him hard, Dean's head tilted, chin up, as he followed the lips and fell when Cas pulled them apart. Dean had nodded during the kiss but not very strongly because of the angle. "Your testicles were swollen and I considered that we’ve been concentrating on making me cum so much that we’ve neglected you.”

Dean exhaled and looked at him. “You don’t have to worry about me, Cas, that’s not what you’re here for.” Dean closed his eyes when Cas’ eyes narrowed a little. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean, Dean?” Cas asked. “I may be an alpha but I’m not here for the sex, I’m here for you, I’ve already expressed this in every way I know how.”

“I know,” Dean said. “I just meant that I don’t expect any of that from you, I don’t _expect_ anything from you, I just mean-” He stopped and exhaled forcefully with frustration and looked at Cas. “You don’t have to do that,” he said finally. “That’s all I mean.”

“I am aware I don’t _have_ to do any of this,” Cas said, wondering if Dean was under the impression that he was there to complete some chore or fulfill a debt of some kind rather than being there because he wanted to be, which confused him since Dean had said himself that Cas was attracted to him, not because of his heat.

Dean nodded. “Good,” he said and lifted his head to kiss Cas who lowered his.

As he was kissing Dean he wondered if Dean thought he only did that because Dean did; he knew in his mind that Dean was only this affectionate because of his heat, so then what did Dean think he was doing by reciprocating it, humoring him?

But he couldn’t think about it right then because Dean’s hands were on his body, Dean’s left moved to his hip and then he pushed his hips into the bed to put his right hand between them and take Cas’ dick in hand. He ran his hand down and then gently cupped one of Cas’ oversized testicles. This wasn’t unusual for those of an alpha, particularly an alpha in the presence of an omega in heat that had received him, to grow over the course of the week, in response to the omega’s heat. Dean’s heat only had one day left – the worst day, and Cas’ body knew it.

They were so swollen and sensitive that Cas jumped back and hissed through his teeth as he pulled from the kiss.

“Sorry, I’m sorry!” Dean said, immediately dropping his hand between them.

“It’s okay,” Cas said.

Cas wasn’t the only one feeling the effects of their shared heat, because even though it was Dean’s body that had triggered this they were undeniably sharing this. Dean was feeling quite sore around his opening but the needs of his heat outweighed that. And it wasn’t even over yet. He wouldn’t admit it but his muscles were sore and he was feeling quite tired too. For days all they’d done was have sex, shower and sleep.

However, as Cas pushed in, Dean didn’t pay much attention to the chafe he felt or the strain of his muscles, all he cared about was the shaking in his abdomen. His last day was approaching and as a result he could feel it building up in him, the panic, he wasn’t sure how it’d go or how he’d deal with it. His entire body breathed arousal as it was, how could it get any worse?

Cas quickly begun to arch his back upwards the more he moved and kissed along Dean’s neck as Dean moved his hips with him and Cas turned his head to kiss Dean’s lips. He knew that Dean’s heat had been affecting him throughout the week but as they approached the last day he felt the need to hold back. His entire body wanted him to let go, fast and hard, but this was Dean’s first heat and he wasn’t used to how relentless and powerful an alpha could be.

Dean put his left hand on Cas’ jaw as his right ran up Cas’ back, he wished he didn’t have to think about the pain his body was in, or how tired they both were. He just wanted Cas to drive him into the mattress without a second thought, he wanted them to reach a point where they knew that they both wanted it, that they knew what the other wanted and they didn’t have to be worried or cautious about it.

On top of Dean not being accustomed to an alpha, Cas didn’t want to scare Dean. He remembered the way Dean had clung to his arm when he’d taken him away from those alpha’s all those years ago and he thought about he’d pressed himself up against Cas’ back in the sitting room when that other alpha had showed. Dean may have aged and become a man but he was still a frightened little boy around an alpha.

But then Dean questioned himself, did he know for sure that Cas wanted him? He closed his eyes and admonished himself, of course he did. He’d said so himself, all those months ago. However, there was some part of him that really questioned it, really doubted it. He didn’t know where the insecurity had come from, he’d never been insecure in his life – he was a good brother, a good hunter, a good friend. He knew he was worth the life he’d created for himself. But there was something about Cas, something that made Dean feel – not scared – but inferior. And while he didn’t like it, while the feeling made him mad and embarrassed, he also felt like it was justified.

Dean inhaled the scent around him, it made him feel secure and amped up his lust.

“Harder,” Dean said against Cas’ lips but Cas barely altered his movements, except that he grunted in response. “Cas, h-”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Cas managed to say, he cupped Dean’s jaw with his right hand but didn’t stop moving. Dean could feel, as weird as it was, Cas’ balls rubbing against the crease of his ass and he thought about the next twenty-four hours to come.

He considered how sore he already felt and thought about the stories he’d heard about the last day of a heat. He’d heard horror stories as a kid about torn openings that couldn’t be stitched back up, chaffing so hard it bled for two weeks, internal injuries that caused death. And then he understood – Cas wanted to fuck him into the mattress as much as Dean wanted him to, but he wouldn’t, not now.

“Okay,” Dean said and kissed him then nodded. “Okay, Cas.”

“You still feel so good,” Cas said breathlessly.

“Didn’t expect me to?” Dean asked as he opened his mouth to kiss Cas but neither of them could quite manage it so they merely stayed close as Dean lifted his legs against Cas’ sides, however unadvised it was Dean just wanted him deeper.

“I didn’t think-” Cas moaned. “-it’d feel like the first time.”

Dean thought about it, it didn’t so he shook his head. “Feels better,” he said and saw Cas’ confused head tilt. “Better like this,” Dean said and ran his hands up Cas’ arms, “touching,” he added, “than in a store room.”

Cas smiled and when he moaned he pushed in harder, Dean could tell from the way he became gentler after it that he hadn’t meant to but he couldn’t help doing it over and over again until he ran his right hand down Dean’s body, cupping his ass and pulling it up as he pushed in deeper, probably against his own will again. In the absence of that arm holding him up and his left under Dean’s shoulder he let his head fall and his face planted, top half in the pillow and bottom in Dean’s right shoulder.

Dean felt Cas’ breath on his skin and heard his moans and was aware he was groaning himself but he heard Cas say his name and then felt a scrape on his shoulder before Cas repeated his name.

“What is it?” Dean said, looking to his right, feeling like Cas had something he wanted to say. However Cas shook his head a little and turned his face away. “Cas, tell me-”

Cas turned back and captured Dean’s lips in a hard kiss as he came, both of them closing their eyes, and in the process he pulled out of Dean’s kiss slowly. Dean felt a jolt of pain in his bottom lip but couldn't do more than mutter a sound of surprise while he felt Cas fill him up. Dean had calmed because of the almost instant relief and let himself linger over that feeling for a minute. But then he opened his eyes again to see Cas’ body heaving with his. Cas was looking to the side, his face showed some kind of worry or shame, Dean couldn’t decide. He felt something on his lips so licked them to wet them, feeling them sting, and rubbed them together before he tasted blood.

He lifted his hand to his lip to touch it and then looked – he was indeed bleeding.

“Did you bite my lip?” Dean asked.

Cas’ eyes closed. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I couldn’t help myself.”

Dean licked the blood from his finger and leaned to his right to try and catch Cas’ eye. “Hey?” Cas’ eyes opened and they moved to Dean’s. “Why are you looking over there?”

Cas let his head hang. “I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” Dean said again, this time with a smile as he lifted Cas’ head with his right hand, “so you bit my lip, what do you think that means?”

“Well, I drew blood-” Cas said.

Dean smirked. “Who doesn’t like a bit of pain, huh?”

Cas turned his head to look at Dean properly, his eyes narrowing. “Dean, I bit you because-”

“Because you’re a little kinky,” Dean said and smiled again. “I thought we already covered that?”

“I’m not kinky,” Cas said and looked to the side. “I just- I needed to- to bite something.”

“So?” Dean said and shrugged. “You wanted to bite something, you bit me. No big deal.” He gestured to himself. “Do I look like I don’t like it?”

Cas looked over Dean’s face and then shook his head.

“Exactly, so-” He cupped Cas’ jaw again and his voice softened. “C’mere,” he said and Cas leaned in to kiss him, the blood transferring to his lips.

He suddenly felt very protective of Dean as if he’d been attacked and it was Cas’ job to take care of him. As he kissed him he let his tongue touch the cut and Dean didn’t seem to mind.

“Not a vampire, are ya?” Dean mumbled in between kisses.

“Are you okay?” Cas asked and then lifted his head before he lifted his right hand to Dean’s face, letting his thumb touch just under Dean’s lip and looked at it.

“Yeah, I’m fine, Cas,” Dean said. “Bit sore-” Cas’ eyes moved to his in mild panic. “From the sex,” Dean added with raised eyebrows. “We’ve been at it for a week.” He chuckled. “I think I’ll walking like John Wayne.”

“Who?” Cas asked.

“You’ve never seen _Blue Steel_?” Cas shook his head. “It’s good, you should watch it.”

“But otherwise you are well?” Cas asked, refocusing on the cut and then around Dean’s face, stroking his hand through Dean’s hair.

Dean hummed. “Yeah,” he said and then looked at Cas worried. “I-” He sighed. “Cas, I gotta be honest here, I’m exhausted. I don’t think I can make the burgers and pie.”

Cas smiled. “We can heat up the food that’s left in the fridge,” he said and kissed Dean once more. “Don’t worry.” He moved to the side and they lay looking at each other.

Cas was watching Dean and thought about when was best to say it, if there was a best time at all. He watching him begin to drift off and his brow dipped.

“Dean?” he asked and Dean nodded. “Dean, I-”

“What’s wrong?” Dean said sleepily.

“I-” Cas said and then exhaled. “I’m working tomorrow.”

Dean opened his eyes and lifted his head to look at Cas. “What?” he said.

“I’m working-”

“I heard you,” Dean said. “But- What time?”

“Eight until four,” he said.

Dean looked around him quickly in alarm. “But it’s the last day-”

“I know,” Cas said.

“-Can’t you take it off?”

“I can’t, I’m opening,” Cas said.

“-Can’t someone cover?”

“-No, I’m sorry,” Cas said.

“You’re sorry?” Dean asked, getting angry and upset. “You’re sorry! Cas, you said you would get me through this!”

“I know and I will but I have to keep my job, Dean,” he said.

“I know that but what am I going to do?” He gestured to himself. “I don’t know what I’m letting myself in for and if you’re not here then-”

“Dean, please don’t get upset,” Cas said.

“Upset?” Dean repeated. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was afraid to,” Cas said.

“Afraid?” Dean repeated, getting more indignant. “Afraid? Afraid? You don’t know the meaning of the word, Cas!” He tried to sit up, forgetting that they were knotted and Cas sat up with him, pulling Dean’s leg around his waist while Dean threw his arms around. “How could you do this to me, Cas?”

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Cas said.

“Sorry, isn’t going to help me,” Dean said. “Sorry isn’t going to fuck me!”

Cas opened his mouth in shock and then looked to the side and Dean’s brow softened.

“I’m sorry,” Dean said and reached out his hand for Cas who pulled away. “Cas, I’m just scared.”

“Yes, I know,” Cas said but still didn’t look at him. “I’m aware you are scared, Dean. I am too. I’m scared to leave you, I’m scared about what that’ll do to you. But I’m also scared about losing my job and car and everything else.”

“Cas, I-” Dean sighed and they both lay down again. “I just- I need you.”

Cas swallowed, hearing those words, they didn’t comfort him. Dean didn’t need him, he needed – as he’d put it – fucked.

“You could always call Raphael back,” Cas suggested in a quiet, hurt voice.

Dean didn’t answer, he guessed he deserved that after the way he had reacted.

Neither of them felt like eating and, despite the fear in them, they fell asleep quickly, avoiding each other’s eye line, which was awkward considering they were attached. Both equally dreading the morning.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas goes to work and Dean has to brave the last day on his own, which might be more dangerous than either of them anticipated.

Cas awoke slowly to the muffled sound of the alarm on his cellphone in the sitting room. He had turned on to his back in the night, moving no further than that. However, when he turned his head to the right he realized that Dean had moved towards him, he was lying with his right arm across Cas’ chest and his front against Cas’ right shoulder. Cas looked to his face which was angled to look down his upper arm and saw he looked peaceful. He knew he’d be woken by his heat soon enough, if Cas was still there he may not even have woken up properly, merely reached out in his dream-like state.

However, Cas wasn’t going to be there and as his alarm continued in the sitting room he slowly slid from under Dean and collected his things around the room before exiting it. He stopped at the door and looked at Dean who pulled the pillow he’d left askew beside him close and hugged it, smelling Cas on it. Cas hung his head and closed the door behind him.

He showered quickly, got dressed and then, just as he was leaving, he stopped. He took his wallet out and found the card the alpha had left. He looked at it before he left it on the top of the counter by the door. He took Dean’s keys from the hook and closed the door, locking it behind him. He sighed, he wasn’t coming back.

Just as he was thinking about leaving the keys in Dean’s mailbox an elderly woman came out of the door across the hall carrying three large sacks, clearly too much for her. One of them fell to the ground and Cas turned to see what the noise had been.

“Let me help you,” Cas said, stuffing the keys into his pocket to pick it up, he could see from the top that it was full of books.

“Oh, thank you,” she said. “My son is downstairs, I just have to carry these down to the street.”

Cas took two of them and tried to take the third but she held it away from him, they weren’t light but for Cas, an alpha in the middle of helping an omega through his heat, they were manageable.

“No, don’t you hurt yourself,” she said.

He reached out with a smile and she relinquished it. “I’ll be fine,” he said.

“Thank you,” she said, pulling her door closed but not locking it.

They walked to the stairs and began to descend them together.

“Is your son on his way up or can’t he find a parking spot?” Cas asked.

“Oh, no,” the woman said as she followed him, holding on to the hand rail. “My son lost both of his legs in Iraq-”

“I’m sorry,” Cas said.

“Oh, don’t be!” she said and waved her hand in the air with a smile. “He’s happy enough, he can drive and swim but I’m afraid he wouldn’t be much help in this case.” She chuckled. “You may have ended up having to carry him for me too.”

Cas chuckled politely as they continued down the steps.

“I haven't seen you before, have you just moved in?” she asked and then sighed disappointed. “That nice young man hasn’t left, has he?" She paused, thinking. "Dean?”

“No, he’s still there,” Cas said. “He’s an old friend, I was just visiting him.”

“Oh, good!” she said with a smile. “He and his brother have always been so nice to us.” She stumbled a little as Cas stopped, wondering what he’d do if she actually fell but she seemed fine so they continued. “So many people come and go from that apartment lately, it’s hard to know who lives there. But, I suppose that’s the way with bounty hunters.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Cas said.

“Oh?” the woman said as they got to the lobby.

“I don’t know anything about Dean’s job,” Cas said and then felt like he had to explain himself. “I haven’t seen him in a long time.”

“Well, it’s nice that you’re visiting, especially after that young girl broke his heart.”

Cas stopped dead. “Girl?” he asked.

“Yes.” She looked at him as they exited the building. “I’m not good with names, nice girl, blonde. It’s a shame she died.” She looked to Cas’ confused look. “Didn’t he tell you?”

“No,” Cas said. “No, he didn’t.”

He helped the woman to her son’s car and then said goodbye as he walked to his own car, his mind turning over all the information of the past few months in his head, not understanding any of it.

>><<

When Dean woke he needed to pee so he got up without giving his body a chance to wake up properly causing him to stumble, feeling dizzy, as he crossed the sitting room and got to the bathroom.

He had to sit down on the toilet to pee and regain his balance. It took some effort but he began peeing and felt wet so he looked down to see himself hard against his stomach and pee flowing from it, over his stomach, his groin, penis and balls.

“Aw, shit!” he said and lifted up, to push against the toilet seat behind him and then sighed, all he could do was wait it out. The smell was stronger than normal, like a tom cat spraying everywhere. The pee was coming out slow and the position of his penis made it look like a fountain without the right water pressure.

When he’d finished he used toilet paper to wipe up as best as he could and jumped into the shower, feeling disgusting as it was. As the water ran down his face, through his hair, over his chest, down his back, over his groin, in between his cheeks, down his thighs and pooled at his feet he swore he could feel everything ten times more than he usually could. He had to turn the water temperature down, the heat was causing him to sweat even as the water washed it away. He had to turn down the water pressure too, it stung his skin as if it were already sore and sensitive.

He grabbed shampoo and began scrubbing it through his hair but had to slow down as his mouth hung open and he realized he was breathing heavily. It was then that he looked down to see his supposed morning-wood still in attendance and he scraped his nails through his hair and grunted. It was becoming clear to him now that he was turned on, why, he had no idea but he figured it was his heat and therefore didn’t need an explanation.

He hung his head and leaned against the tiles, he remembered all of those years ago when he’d looked around Cas’ bathroom for something to fuck himself on and knew it was pointless trying that in here too. In the end he decided to masturbate to try and help himself. It did help somewhat and he managed to continue showering in mild comfort, he got out and got dressed, going to the kitchen to find a tub of chicken and rice in the fridge. He was aware that his erection had resurfaced before he’d even left the bathroom but he needed to eat so he decided that he’d do something about that later.

He warmed it up and sat on the couch watching TV. He was barely half way through before a jolt of arousal ran through him and he grunted as he nudged back in his seat with the feeling. He almost choked on his mouthful as he hurried to swallow it. He felt himself close to leaking and he jumped up, dumping the box and fork on the table and ran for the bathroom. He managed to pull his pants and underwear down as he ran for the toilet seat, only to slide to the side and hit the wall with his right arm, leaking all over his balls.

He chuckled humorlessly to himself and lowered his face to his hands and began to cry, he couldn’t even think of a reason he would feel like crying but it happened anyway.

He wiped himself up, refusing to shower again he used wet wipes he had and then took his pants off, deciding he had been kidding himself when he’d gotten dressed. He took the towel from the rail and folded it up before belatedly taking his underwear off too. He walked into the living room and put the towel down on the sofa then he sat on it and sighed before he picked up his food again.

Today was going to be a long day.

Especially alone.

>><< 

In work, Cas spent the entire day worrying about Dean, wanting to call him but also wondering if he’d called that alpha and used his service. And then he wondered who the woman was, the blonde one Dean’s neighbor had talked about.

All morning had been hell. When he had been opening up he'd imputed the security code wrong and ended up having to talk to the company on the phone while serving; he'd undercharged his first customer; overcharged the next; broke a glass bottle of soda the next customer was buying; unintentionally ignored customers standing at the pay window for a few minutes, then proceeded to screw up every one of their orders; he'd tried to change the slushie machine and it spilled everywhere again; he'd then watched a customer nearly fall as he'd slipped on it, luck would have it that the man found it funny and reminded Cas to put up a sign which he'd broken as he'd tried to do so and ended up have to stand it next to a case of beer.

All of that before half past nine.

It was going to be a long day.

But not as long as it would be for Dean, if he hadn’t called the alpha already.

>><<

The idea of calling the alpha hadn’t even crossed Dean’s mind, even as he was sitting in his bath tub with the shower above him raining down cold water. His body was shaking as if exposed to extreme cold but he could feel the sweat running down his back and forehead.

He would deny it if Cas ever asked but he’d filled an old soda bottle Charlie had left in the recycling with water and was drinking it faster than he could piss it out again, not that pissing with a somewhat permanent hard-on was a particularly easy task any other time either. He’d filled it up twice already since getting in the bath and was trying to pace himself but all of this sweating had to be the reason he could barely see straight, and yet it wasn’t doing a damn thing to make it go away.

He wanted nothing more than to get out and go to bed but other than the fact that he got the impression he’d never make it to bed he didn’t think he could handle the heat outside the bathroom considering he could barely breathe in the heat as it was. That had to be it, the heat had to be the reason he couldn’t see no matter how often he blinked and tried to clear his eyes from whatever was obstructing them, however no matter how hard he shook his head and tried to get rid of the sensation of being on a boat nothing improved.

He leaned forward and turned the cold tap of the bath on, putting the plug in. It had to be his temperature.

>><<

Cas’ day wasn’t going very well either since he’d realized he had Dean’s keys in his coat pocket when he took money out of his wallet to pay for his lunch, which he had to wolf down in between customers because Hannah had called in sick so he was on his own. He wished it had been a cheeseburger or pie. He decided to go back to Dean’s after his shift and post the keys like he’d meant to. That’s all he’d do, just post them. He didn’t need to go inside, he _could_ check on Dean but he didn’t _need_ to. He didn’t need to go in and see if he'd called that other alpha, that wasn’t what he was thinking about, he was thinking about Dean’s well being. He didn’t want to see if everything Dean had told him in the past few months had been lies: if he’d take any alpha. And he definitely didn’t need to ask him about the blonde woman.

He’d just post the keys and go away again, that was all.

>><< 

Dean managed to pull himself out of the water when he couldn’t handle the shivering anymore, he’d turned the shower off but couldn’t bring himself to empty the tub of water. He tried to use a towel to dry himself but he’d barely managed to attempt it before he groaned and closed his eyes.

When he did that he was assaulted by images of the past few days, what it felt like to be knotted and kissed, to have Cas’ hands guide his rocking hips, to feel Cas’ teeth scrape over his neck like a promise that this meant more to him than blowing his load. Dean tried to open his eyes, to not see the images because they didn’t make this any easier but he couldn’t see clearly anyway.

He used his hands on the sink and then the door-frame to hold himself up, the muscles in his lower legs felt weak with fatigue and his knees bent under him as he grunted and hugged the door-frame wishing that, more than anything, Cas would materialize behind him, telling him that everything was alright and he was here now. Dean wouldn’t even question it, he wouldn’t ask about his work or how he’d managed to sneak up on him when he was supposed to be one of the best bounty hunters in Kansas; he’d just stand there and let Cas take care of him. He felt fluid leak from him and sighed, it seemed to be never ending in the bath tub but he’d hoped it was just his imagination since he was in water and dizzy.

He eventually managed to stumble to the armchair and sat down hard on his towel to protect the seat from the fluid which hadn’t stopped and had begun to run down his inner thighs. He lay his head back and decided to sit there for a moment, to attempt to get his breath back; everything seemed to be so tiring and heavy. Everything he tried to do was slow and an effort beyond which he had the energy for.

He sighed and closed his eyes, he’d get to the bedroom eventually and then he could just sleep it out until Cas came back. A small amount of fear in the back of Dean’s head told him he wasn’t coming back but he tried to ignore it screaming at him.

>><< 

Cas had cleaned up the slushie machine, found money under the sandwiches and put it in the till to close the gap on the undercharge from earlier, he’d cleaned up the broken bottle and it’s contents, he’d already rectified the overcharge earlier and managed to avoid being reported by the irate customer. It seemed things were looking up, in terms of his job.

But Cas couldn’t get Dean out of his head. He couldn’t help it, he wanted to know who the blonde woman was, he wanted to know if Dean had called the alpha, but most of all, he wanted to know that Dean was okay.

He looked at his watch, it was two in the afternoon and he hadn’t had any customers in an hour. He was becoming ridiculously impatient, as if he couldn’t take it anymore. It was torture. Torture he couldn’t withstand. He looked out onto the forecourt and saw it empty, as it had been since lunch. Then he looked around, rocking on his feet for a second before he rolled his eyes and gave in.

He walked to the door and locked it, turning the sign around. Let them fire him, this job wasn’t more important than Dean and he didn’t care if he lost it, he needed to know that Dean was okay.

 

Cas walked up the steps and looked to Dean’s closed apartment door as he held his keys in his hand. He stopped outside the door and felt the trepidation multiply in him, standing there he imagined what he might find on the other side – Dean bent over the couch by the other alpha and both of them turning to smirk at Cas then laugh at him, Dean lying on the balcony in a state of hypothermia with nothing on and blue lips.

Cas inhaled and opened the door, then he stopped dead with his left hand still on the key in the top lock and stared at the body on the floor in front of the bedroom. The smell of Dean rushed at him, filling every space of his body – the smell of oil, green, oak and fire invaded his nostrils while the scent of holy water, cherry pie and black flushed into his mouth and down his throat. As each mixed they seemed to change and mix, producing new smells of gun-powder, earth, burning rubber, whiskey and leather.

He paused for a beat before he pulled the key from the door, pushed it closed and tossed the keys on the side before he ran to Dean lying there, dropping to his knees beside him where a towel had been dropped.

“Dean? Dean, come on!” he said as he lifted Dean’s top half up onto his knees, his feet folded underneath his hips, and cupped Dean's face and looked at it. He thought he’d find relief in not seeing blue lips but he was far from reassured. “Dean, don’t do this.” He put his fingers to Dean’s neck and tried to feel a pulse.

Dean groaned at the touch of an alpha and although still unconscious, rolled his head to the side to try and bare his neck.

Cas breathed a sigh of relief but it was short-lived, seeing Dean in this state was not good, not only was Dean in trouble but it was all Cas’ fault. And just what state would he have found him in if he hadn’t left early. He swallowed, remembering that he originally wasn’t coming back at all, and wouldn’t have if he hadn’t had Dean’s keys in his pocket.

He owed the woman across the hall his life.

Or Dean’s.

Cas moved back to lean up on his feet and lifted Dean, finding no other way to carry him than to put him over his shoulder and take him into the bedroom he’d either been heading towards or out of. He lowered and gently lay Dean on the bed, moving a pillow under his head and looking at him before he thought about Dean being naked, the smell of his fluid leaking was like a mist and Cas could barely function for the pulsing desire he had to do something about it. But he would function because Dean was in danger here, screw his instinct (or not, as the case may be) there was no way, in all of heaven or hell, that he would do anything to Dean, ever.

He went back to the doorway where he looked at the towel and picked it up, he could smell it and figured that Dean had been sitting on it at some point. He ran back inside and rolled Dean before he hastily laid it underneath him and rolled him back, it would suffice until he got clean ones which he set about doing right away.

Once he fixed them under Dean he got more and piled them beside the bed, he took his jacket off as he returned to the sitting room and threw it over the couch as he walked to the fridge and found two water bottles then went back to the bedroom where Dean was sweating like a man in a fever. He put them down on the nightstand and leaned over him, putting his right hand over Dean’s forehead and feeling the heat there.

Dean whimpered at the contact and tried to talk, his lips moving but his voice never escaping.

Cas hushed him. “It’s okay,” he said in a whisper, more to himself than Dean since he wasn’t sure Dean was even aware he was there.

He walked back out of the door and stopped, looking around and trying to think of what else he needed to do. He then went to the bathroom and started running a small hand towel under the cold water to put it against Dean’s head or neck, or wherever he needed it. He looked to the medicine cabinet and paused, thinking.

He dropped the towel in the water and went to the cabinet, he opened it and looked over the various things there; shaving cream and a razor, soap, deodorant, the moisturizer Cas had bought, toothpaste and a toothbrush, various supplies for medical care that Cas assumed was to do with his work (surgical thread, etc) and, as Cas had hoped, the bottle of suppressors Dean had fulfilled in his panic.

Cas would have to question his decision for putting them in the cabinet later.

He looked at the bottle and found the name of the chemist on them and, beside Dean’s, his doctor.

He went to the landline and picked it up, dialing the number for the chemist listed on the bottle. It took some persuading, but he managed to convince the chemist he was Sam and he needed to talk to Dean’s doctor but, since they lived in different areas of the city and Sam was a beta (and therefore saw a different doctor to an omega) he wasn’t sure of which surgery his brother used.

The chemist gave Cas (or Sam) the surgery but refused to say anymore, even though Cas hadn’t asked. Cas thanked him hastily and hung up the phone, dialing the surgery. He convinced the receptionist that he was Sam too and needed to speak to his brother’s doctor immediately however he had to wait half an hour before she was free and she called him back.

 _“Mr Winchester?”_ the woman said.

“Yes, hello,” Cas said. “My brother isn’t well and I don’t know what to do.”

There was a pause on the other end and Cas widened his eyes in frustration.

“He went into heat and-”

 _“I’m going to stop you right there,”_ she said. _“I’ve met Sam Winchester and spoken to him before, I know his voice, you’re not him.”_ Cas closed his eyes in defeat. _“The only reason I haven’t hung up this phone is because you said Dean is sick?”_

“Yes!” Cas said. “Okay, fine.” He exhaled. “My name is Castiel Novak, I’m not Dean’s brother, I-” He wondered how to end that. “I-” He exhaled, he knew that lying further to this woman would mean she would stop believing him and that could result in her hanging up all together. So he said the only thing he could think of: the truth. “I’m the one who convinced Dean to stop taking his heat suppressors and for the past few days I’m the alpha that’s been getting him through his heat but today is his last day and I know it’s worse but I had to work and I came back to find him collapsed on the floor. He has a pulse and he’s breathing but he’s not conscious, he responds somewhat when I touch him but he’s clearly very sick and I don’t know what to do, this is my first heat too.”

He stopped and exhaled hard.

“Please,” he added, in response to the silence.

 _“He stopped taking the heat suppressors?”_ she asked.

Cas’ brow dipped. “Yes, his heat didn’t come until five months later. He told me that you said it was normal.”

 _“It wasn’t me,”_ she said. _“One moment, please. Cassie, could I have the Winchester file?”_ There was a pause and Cas waited. _“Yes, he was seen by a different doctor, knowing Dean he was avoiding me.”_

Cas nodded. “I can certainly see that being true, you always encouraged him to stop.”

 _“Yes,”_ she responded. _“If you have been getting him through his heat for the past six days,”_ Cas nodded, _“then his body is in a withdrawal of sorts on his worst day, it’s most likely,”_ Cas walked into the bedroom and looked Dean lying there, _“a fever exacerbated by the withdrawal.”_

“Why would he have a fever?”

_“I don’t know how much you know about Mr Winchester’s past…”_

“I know he hasn’t had a heat in six years,” he said.

_“Well, his body is most likely in shock, hormonally, because of that. However, you helping him through it has probably been keeping him steady and then when you weren’t there-”_

“His body crashed,” Cas finished, his brow dipping in guilt.

 _“Exactly,”_ she said. _“I could administer a serious of anti-hormone drugs to lessen his heat; it would bring him out of his fever, giving his body a chance to deal with it better during his next heat. However-”_ She stopped.

“However, what?” Cas asked.

She sighed. _“However, it would be so much better, medically, for his body and mind, for you finish what you started.”_

Cas looked at Dean there and then moved to the bed, leaning on it and putting the back of his right hand against Dean’s neck. He murmured as if suddenly able to move and lifted his left arm at the elbow heavily and sloppily to try and put his hand over it.

“He’s barely conscious,” Cas said. “It’s wrong.”

 _“Mr Novak, I’ve been telling Dean what damage he has been doing to his body for years, I know his brother has too. Every six months he has to undergo blood tests to be allowed to get another supply of tablets, every eighteen months he has to talk to a psychiatrist to make sure he’s not affected mentally to be allowed to continue. Each time he goes through all of that, just to keep taking the tablets. This is a man who talks in innuendo but will clam up if you try to engage him in as serious conversation, watches-”_ She lowered her voice. _“- Japanese cartoon porn, openly flirts with everyone he meets and yet someone I know to be abstinent. Until now.”_

Cas looked over Dean’s face, the sweat coming from his forehead worried him, as did the smell of what was practically pouring from between his legs, it was too strong that he wasn’t sure how the hell Dean had put up with it all day. And then he closed his eyes to the idea that while he’d been pressing buttons on a till Dean had been in agony.

 _“Someone, especially a man like Dean, does not go through all of that aggravation from the people around him to then suddenly stop for no reason. He obviously trusts you, you must have a strong connection.”_  She paused while Cas mused over that. _“How do you two know each other?”_

Cas was watching as Dean rolled toward him slightly, apparently his body was responding to Cas’ presence. “I met him six years ago, when he was going through his first heat.”

She hesitated. _“So, you were there?”_

“Yes,” Cas said with a nod. “I saved him.”

_“You saved him from what happened to him?”_

Cas suddenly looked away from Dean. “What happened to him? Why, what happened?” Cas asked. “He told me he locked himself in a bathroom and didn’t come out for three days.”

 _“My mistake-”_ Dr Braeden said.

“Doctor, wait-”

 _“Forget I said anything,”_ Cas opened his mouth to talk, “ _I shouldn’t have said anything at all.”_

Cas closed his mouth and nodded, looking at Dean. “I can’t have sex with him while he’s unconscious,” Cas said. “I just can’t do it.”

_“You don’t have to have sex with him, that’s not what I’m suggesting, his body needs the pheromones in your sperm, that’s all. I can come and administer the medicine but it won’t be until after my regular appointments at eight in the evening.”_

Cas shook his head. “That’s too long, he needs something now” he said. “I’ll- I’ll see what I can do.”

 _“Call me if you want me to come over,”_ she said.

“I will, thank you,” Cas said.

_“Keep his temperature down, make sure he’s hydrated and he should be fine by morning.”_

“Thanks,” Cas said and they hung up. Cas put the phone on the nightstand and turned to look back at Dean. “I’m sorry, Dean,” he said. “I’m sorry I left you, I’m sorry that I made you go through this.” He suddenly felt like he was going to cry. “I should never have come here, I shouldn’t have put you through this. What were you thinking, doing this for me?”

“Cas…” Dean muttered.

Cas closed his eyes and then opened them again, looking at Dean. “Why would you ignore your brother and doctor for years and then listen to me, Dean?” He wiped his left hand over Dean’s forehead. “Is this what you went through six years ago while I lay asleep in my bed at the end of the hall?” He tilted his head and looked somewhat in pain. “Did you lie like this in that restroom after I denied you?”

He shook his head and then stood from the bed, undressing as he watched Dean become almost catatonic again due to his distance. He undressed and lay back down on the bed beside Dean. He looked down before he shook his head, he couldn’t do it, he just couldn’t. Instead he began to jerk off and then slowed before he came in his hand. He looked to Dean and apologized before he opened Dean’s legs with his free hand and tried to smother his opening with it, trying as best he could to get it inside without physically intruding his body.

Dean exhaled and rocked his hips briefly before he let his left hand drop and lifted his right to Cas’ chest, trying to grab but not having the energy to he just stroked over Cas chest.

“Cas…” he said and then slowly fell back into his state again.

Cas repeated the process three times until Dean tried to open his eyes to look to the figure beside him. He didn’t need to be able to see to identify that smell.

“Cas,” he said again and smiled as he looked to him. “You came back,” he slurred.

“Yes,” Cas said and Dean moaned weakly when he felt Cas’ hand on his forehead, cool and calming.

“Need you to-” He exhaled as he began to pass out again. “Cas, please.”

“Dean, wake up,” Cas said and Dean felt himself being slowly being shook and he suddenly felt nauseated.

“Cas, feel sick.”

He began to twitch as if about to be sick and he heard the banging of Cas running away and then back, holding out a tub just as Dean retched into it. He’d grabbed it from under the sink and didn’t have time to grab the car cleaning supplies from inside so he made a mental note to leave Dean the money to buy more of whatever was in there.

Dean barely threw up, there wasn’t enough in his stomach to throw up. Cas put it on the floor and held Dean to him.

“Cas, why won’t you-?” He sobbed. “You don’t want me.”

Cas closed his eyes. “Of course I do,” he said. “But not like this.”

Dean’s hands grabbed at him. “Cas, I-” His head lulled back and Cas held it, shaking him back to consciousness.

“Dean, Dean listen to me.” Dean groaned. “Dean, I can’t do this- I know you need it but I can’t do this until you open your eyes-” He shook him gently again. “Open them, look at me, and be aware.”

Dean’s head lulled as Cas swore under his breath, he lowered Dean to the bed and began to jerk off again.

Dean was only barely aware of having been conscious and that was it.

An hour and fifteen minutes later, after seven more ‘jerk off and spoon it in’ sessions Cas became very aware that this wasn’t working, he’d had to change the towels because Dean’s own fluid was pushing what little he’d gotten in out again. He was still sweating, still too hot to the touch, he was mumbling under his breath in between weak whimpers and he barely moved. When he did attempt to move his limbs seemed to be too heavy for him to control properly.

In the end he decided he had no choice, he jerked off until very near the end and then, wincing as he did so, he pushed the head of his penis inside of Dean, hearing him groan, and came. As soon as he could he pulled out, slowly. He looked down at Dean and watched him and, within a few minutes, saw that his features, previously twisted in pain, had relaxed a little. With a tiny bit of hope in him he reached his right hand up to Dean’s forehead, he was still too hot but the sweating seemed to be decreasing somewhat.

He wasn’t sure what he was doing was the right thing but Dean seemed to have improved in some way so he hurriedly repeated the process of jerking off until near the end, cautiously pushing himself inside Dean, and coming.

After the third time Cas had to change the towels under Dean and he moved Dean onto his side, pulling the used towel out, immediately replacing it with another two, to attempt to lift Dean’s hips and keep his semen inside him, and then rolled Dean back over it. He bundled it up and walked into the sitting room to put it in the basket in the bathroom he’d seen. He didn’t know if it was the right thing to do but he didn’t want Dean to wake up to the realization that, not only had Cas abused their trust, he’d made a mess of the apartment too.

He considered how much of a stupid thing that was to worry about as he stuffed the towel into the basket and then began to wash his hands in the sink.

“Cas?” Dean’s voice traveled through the apartment and Cas froze.

He wiped his hands on his bare sides and ran through the sitting room, catching his lower leg on the corner of the coffee table, and into the room where Dean was trying to push himself to sitting up in the bed.

“Dean, Dean are you okay?” Cas said, his wet hands on Dean’s face.

“I’m fine,” Dean strained and then groaned, his head falling forward in Cas’ grasp.

“No, you’re not,” Cas said and lifted his left hand to Dean’s forehead.

“I don’t remember,” Dean said. “I was walking from the bathroom but I-”

“I found you on the floor,” Cas said and Dean looked at him. “Why did you let it get so bad?”

Dean’s whole body shook and his right hand reached for Cas’ arm. “What was I supposed to do? I tried jerking off but it didn’t help.”

“You could have called that alpha,” Cas said.

Dean scoffed with his eyes closed and then lifted his head to look at Cas. “Is that what you want, Cas?” Cas looked over his face. “You want me to- to call the alpha service so you can walk out?” Cas just looked at him. “You-” He looked down suddenly beginning to cry. “If you want to leave, I’m not stopping you.”

“Dean, I don’t think you’ll want me here anymore,” Cas said. “When you were out, I-” Cas shrugged. “I didn’t know what to do to help you, I tried to wake you but it wouldn’t’ work. I tried ejaculating in my hand-”

“I don’t care,” Dean said and his head bobbed forward again. “Go.”

“Dean-?”

“Cas, I really don’t care what you did, you clearly don’t want to be here.” He pushed Cas’ hands off of him. “So go.” He rolled to his left to lie down, pushing himself down the bed.

Cas watched him and then slowly stood, walking out of the bedroom.

Dean closed his eyes and began to cry into his pillow, he knew it, he knew Cas didn’t want to be with him, he knew he was just waiting to leave.

Cas returned a minute later and Dean turned as Cas sat on the bed with carrier bag held closed and he turned Dean’s face towards him then put the bag on Dean’s neck.

Dean groaned, it was full of ice. “Oh, god,” he said. “Cas, just leave.”

Cas ignored him, opening the bag to take out a cube of ice and then pushed it to Dean’s lips who tried to turn his face into the pillow.

“Dean,” Cas said in warning.

Dean paused before he turned back and took the ice cube in his mouth, sucking it like he’d never had water before. And it was cold.

Cas looked down. “I- I betrayed our trust, Dean.” Dean looked to him. “I spoke to your doctor,” Dean’s brow dipped, “she said that the most effective way for you to pass through your fever was for me to get you through the rest of your heat. So, I-” He sighed and dropped his hand to his right hand.

Dean watched him. “You screwed me while I was out of it?” he asked with an ice cube in his mouth, no bitter taste in his mouth, no anger.

“No,” Cas said. “I masturbated into my hand and then tried to use that on your opening but your fluid, it just kept pushing it out again so, I- I jerked until I was nearly there and then pushed-” He looked at Dean. “I pushed the tip of my penis in and came. I don’t even know how many times, I was in such a panic. It was the only way I could get you to regain consciousness.” He looked to the side. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

Dean didn’t speak until the cube had melted. “Cas?” Cas looked at him. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Cas said, shaking his head.

Dean reached out, pulling Cas’ neck towards him. “Do you think I think you would ever do anything to me?”

“But I-”

“Yeah, you did. You were taking care of me, getting me through my heat. You could have screwed me…” He suddenly broke off. “Wait, how did I get here? I was in the bathroom.”

“I found you on the floor, unconscious,” Cas said. “I brought you in here and tried to rouse you but you were not responding so I called Dr Braeden.”

Dean tilted his head. “See? You could have done anything to me and you didn’t.”

“But I-” Cas argued again.

“Cas, you could have fucked into me and said ‘well you were ill, what could I do?’”

“I would never do that,” Cas said, shaking his head. “I just knew you needed my pheromones and I couldn’t think of another way to do it. The doctor offered to medicate you but you’d still be ill.”

“Medicate?” Dean asked. “Like how?”

“I don’t know, I assume synthetic pheromones. However she said it would better for you if it were me, I should have let her medicate you.”

“No,” Dean said and shook his head. “Cas, I trust you,” he said and kissed him, Cas felt the chill from his lips. “I know you did what you had to.” He kissed him again, this time pulling at his hand so he would crawl onto the bed over him. “I need-”

Cas lifted the bag of ice and put it on the floor before kissing Dean again. “Stay awake,” he said.

“Yeah,” Dean said and nodded.

Cas paused, pulling out of the kiss and looked down.

“What?” Dean asked.

Cas slowly looked up. “What if you don’t believe that?” he asked and Dean looked confused. “You say you trust me and know I did what I had to but if you’re just saying that because of what you need?”

Dean shook his head. “No,” he said. “I’m not, I do understand Cas.” He hesitated. “We don’t have to do this. Just lie with me, you don’t have to do anything, I just don’t want to be alone.”

Cas looked at him and then rolled them so he was lying on his left and felt Dean hug him. He closed his eyes and rubbed his hands up and down Dean’s back. He felt Dean’s left hand on his back and his right between their chests. He could feel Dean’s erection on his and then pulled apart to look at Dean who looked in pain.

“Dean, how long have you been hard?” He remembered he’d been hard since he’d picked him off of the floor.

Dean tried to shrug but his body shook and Cas felt Dean’s fingers dig into his back. “I woke up with it,” he managed to say.

“What about when you masturbated?” Cas asked. “Did it go down?”

“For about a minute,” Dean said. “It didn’t make me feel better.” He grunted. “Cas,” he said and leaned forward to hide his face in Cas’ chest.

“Dean,” Cas said, “can I-?” Dean looked up. “You clearly need me to help you.”

“I don’t want you to do anything that you don’t want to,” Dean said and closed his eyes tight, lowering his head in an attempt to hide it.

“It’s okay, I want to,” Cas said and he lifted Dean’s head to look at him but Dean couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes. “Just stay with me.”

“Yeah,” Dean said, already fading out. “Yeah, I’ll try.”

“No,” Cas said and slapped Dean’s face, making him open his eyes. “Stay with me, Dean.” He looked sternly at Dean. “I can’t do that.” He shook his head. “Don’t ask me to.”

Dean shook his head, not disagreeing but shaking himself awake, and blinked hard a few times. “Okay, yeah,” he said and nodded. “Yeah, I get you, I’m awake, Cas.”

Cas hesitated before he lifted Dean’s left leg over his hip, pulling Dean closer to him and, not needing a hand to guide himself in, he pushed in slowly and cautiously.

Dean groaned and let his head fall to the bed, closing his eyes. “Cas, I’m still here,” he assured and lifted his left hand to Cas’ face, bringing Cas’ head down. Cas rested his forehead against Dean’s, more towards his temple. “I’m here.”

Cas moved in and out, in slow wary strokes betraying how on edge he was about Dean’s state – both in terms of his consciousness and the health of his opening. “Tell me if you want me to stop,” Cas said and kissed Dean’s left cheek.

Dean shook his head. “Don’t,” he said and turned his head to kiss Cas’ lips, both because he wanted to and in an effort to keep himself awake. As they moved Dean became aware of the rough texture on his right side. “Am I lying on a towel?” he asked.

“Yes,” Cas said, his hand on Dean’s back made him think that Dean was still too hot. In a slightly ill-advised move he turned Dean onto his back and reached for the bag on the floor, lifting it onto the bed and then turned back onto his side. Dean’s left hand had fallen between them in the move. Cas picked his movements back up and pressed the bag, which was now part water, on the bed to turn his hand around the handles and make sure it wasn’t going to spill before he pressed it into the bottom of Dean’s back.

He exhaled as he arched towards Cas, his left hand moving to his shoulder and he then let out one chuckle and smiled.

“Does that feel good?” Cas asked, looking down at him as he leaned back up on his right elbow.

“Yeah,” Dean said and nodded. “Yeah, it does.” He closed his eyes. “So good.”

“Dean-” Cas warned.

“I’m awake,” Dean said in his normal tone, giving the impression that he was telling the truth. “It just feels nice.”

Cas took it slowly, letting Dean feel relaxed as he moved in and out. Now that Dean was conscious he wanted to do what he had to to keep it that way but he wasn’t about to do Dean further damage in the process. When he did finally come he found himself dropping the bag onto the bed behind Dean’s back, consciously only doing so when he knew it would land upright and not spill. He gripped Dean’s left upper arm with his right hand and used his grip to focus, it was the only thing keeping his movements calculated and gentle.

He exhaled hard and then opened his eyes and looked down at Dean who had his eyes closed but smiled when Cas looked.

“What?” Cas asked.

“You knotted me,” Dean said.

Cas looked down, he hadn’t meant to do that. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I wasn’t thinking about it.”

Dean shook his head, his brow dipping a little however his smile didn’t fall. “Don’t say sorry, Cas, it’s what I’m always askin’ for, it’s what I want.”

Cas lifted his right hand from Dean’s arm, only then realizing how the darkness of the evening had crept in while he’d been back. He’d been so focused on Dean he hadn’t noticed until now. The imprints of his tight grip were dull where he knew they would be yellow in proper light.

“That may be but what you want isn’t always what you need,” Cas said and leaned to kiss Dean’s arm where he had been gripping.

Dean opened his eyes and watched him focus on the skin on Dean’s arm. “Yeah, but sometimes it is. I wanted you and you were just what I needed.” He lifted his head and rested it on his right hand.

Cas closed his eyes briefly and swallowed, he told himself it was just his heat and he didn’t really mean it.

Dean took the subsequent silence and lack of eye contact to mean he’d said something stupid, he knew why Cas was here; he might care about Dean, be attracted to him, but when it came down to it omegas were good for one thing and alphas knew it. That’s all this was.

“Cas, I’m real tired,” Dean said and closed his eyes. “If you come again, don’t freak out, my hole is too awesome, it’s okay, no one’s judging you.”

He heard Cas exhale through his nose once and sharp and figured he must have made him laugh but when he thought about opening his eyes to see him smile he realized that not only was he too tired he was too sad. As if to confirm it properly, a fresh wave of sadness washed over him and he felt himself sink into a depression of sorts as thoughts flooded his mind.

He felt Cas run his right hand through Dean’s hair as he lay next to him. “Dean?” he said, before Dean could think any further.

Dean hummed in answer, not wanting to have to talk.

“Before you sleep, will you drink some water for me?” Cas asked and Dean opened his eyes. Cas moved his head on the pillow and looked at Dean. “Please, it’s been hours since I arrived and who knows how long it’s been since you had any.”

Dean hesitated and then nodded. Cas slowly rolled them over again, moving the bag to the floor once more, and Dean watched him, turning his head to the left to where Cas reached out to the nightstand where there were a couple of bottles of water there. Cas took one and attempted to sit up a little as Dean did the same. Cas dragged his knees under himself and handed Dean the bottle before he used his hands on Dean’s hips to drag him close to him.

They grunted as Dean sank down further, Cas felt the pressure on the bottom of his knot release while he sunk in further and Dean close his eyes to the feeling. He opened his eyes when he felt Cas rest his head on Dean’s right shoulder.

“Cas?” he asked and Cas didn’t move. “Cas?” Cas barely lifted his head, his eyes moving to Dean for a mere second before they dropped again. “Do it,” Dean said and Cas hesitated. “Cas, I’m telling you to do it, it’s what we’re doing.”

Cas swallowed before he pulled Dean to him and, with his hands on Dean’s back, moved him slowly and as little as possible. He let his head hang and tried to kiss Dean’s neck but then he exhaled, letting the right side of his lips touch the skin and nudge there as he moved.

Dean put his lips to Cas’ ear. “Go on, babe,” he said and felt Cas push in slightly harder before he could sense the knot stopping him pulling out and he did it again. “Do it, come in me again.” He groaned when Cas pushed in harder and started coming. “Yeah,” he said and closed his eyes.

Cas held him there for a second and then heard a snap and leaned back as Dean opened the bottle and took a drink. He then held it out to Cas who smiled and looked down. “No, thanks,” he said.

“You need to drink as much as I do,” he said and nudged it in the air.

Cas opened his mouth and let Dean pour some in. It turned out to be too much and Cas closed his mouth, some escaping at the sides and he laughed with his mouth closed as Dean smiled at him and watched him swallow it.

“You did that on purpose,” Cas said, wiping his mouth with his right hand.

Dean took a drink and closed it before stretching his arm to put it on the nightstand and looked back to Cas. “Did I?” he asked and then smirked.

Cas watched him look to Cas’ lips and was almost incredulous to discover that he was as turned on right then as he had been in the store room all of those months ago. He surged forward and kissed Dean, pushing him back into the bed, feeling Dean’s hands come to the back of his head and sensed him responding to Cas in much the same way.

“You going for number three, Cas?” Dean asked against his lips.

“I don’t think I can,” Cas said, that didn’t stop him being breathless and have his hands all over Dean’s body.

“I think you can,” Dean said and Cas felt his left hand trailed down the middle of Cas’ back and then scratch all the way back up, Cas groaning at the feeling. “Come on, Cas,” he muttered, their lips still rubbing together with the words just as Dean rolled his hips. “I know you got it in you, ‘cause it’s in me.”

Cas stared at Dean before he brought his lips to Cas’ but didn’t touch before he pulled away again and Cas grunted in frustration.

“What?” Dean said and moved his right leg around Cas’ waist before he leaned forward, only to pull away again.

Cas bared his teeth and used his right hand on Dean’s head to try and pull him in but Dean tilted his head back, meaning all Cas could do was kiss his neck, his teeth nipping with the force of it.

“Dean-” Cas said. “I can’t,” he said.

“Yeah, you can, Cas,” Dean said and chuckled as Cas tried to tilt his head up. “You’re an alpha, ain’t ya?” He lifted his head and looked at Cas, eyes bearing into his almost black as the oil Cas could smell from him. Cas nodded and tried to kiss him again but Dean turned his head and Cas could do nothing but growl, short and quietly. “What was that?” Dean asked as he looked back to Cas. “Something you want, Cas?”

Cas looked over his face, looking to the slight bump in his lip where he’d bitten before and it was almost healed. He’d forgotten all about it. He thought about how much he’d needed to bite something, how he’d almost bitten Dean. That wasn’t good, he was letting Dean’s heat affect him emotionally. But right then all he wanted to do was fuck him into the bed. He asked himself how that was even possible considering he’d just came twice and almost laughed at how cocky Dean was considering he had been unconscious not that long ago.

“Dean-” Cas said, it sounded more like a warning than the start of a conversation as he leaning in again.

Dean denied him again, but didn't reject him, by pulling back and rolling his hips. “Do it,” he said.

“Dean, I can’t,” Cas said. “I’m not a machine.”

Dean leaned towards him and opened his mouth, bearing his teeth and closing them in front of Cas’ lips, as if he were about to bite them and Cas moaned as he moved forward only for Dean to deny him again, lifting his head and tilting it back.

Cas couldn’t help it, he slammed Dean into the mattress and they looked at each other before Cas moved forward, kissing Dean and moving his hips at the same time. This time Dean didn’t deny him, pulling him in for a hard kiss as they moved together. Cas’ knot wasn’t giving him much room but it didn’t matter, they were so sensitive it was enough to drive them into gyrations so strong they felt it as if Cas was fucking Dean as hard as he wanted to.

“That’s it,” Dean said and smiled when Cas kissed under his jaw and used his right arm under Dean’s leg to move them both, the headboard hitting the wall. “Harder.”

Cas growled and did just that. “Dean, you’re gonna kill me,” he said.

Dean just chuckled and brought their foreheads together. “What a way to go,” he said and gasped when he felt whatever relaxation Cas’ knot had had swell again. “That’s it.”

“I’m gonna-”

“Yeah, can feel it,” Dean said and closed his eyes, smiling as if enjoying a nap in the shade on holiday as Cas came in him again. He exhaled as Cas rocked a few more times and stopped. “Told you you could,” he said and heard Cas laugh against his neck.

Cas admitted that he needed to sleep so Dean agreed to try and do that too however Cas made him promise that if he was in pain or needed anything he would wake Cas up rather than suffer. Dean made a joke about waking him up in ‘the best way’ but Cas was too tired to do more than smile weakly and close his eyes, lying side by side.

To his surprise, after how long he’d been out, Dean did fall asleep and before Cas. Cas was too worried that Dean would slip back into unconsciousness again, every now and again he would jerk awake just as he was about to fall into a proper sleep and look over Dean’s face. Every time he seemed to be peaceful and well, a little sweat falling from his forehead made Cas’ eyes linger but considering how he’d found Dean he couldn’t be worried. He put his hand to Dean’s chest and he exhaled as if comforted and Cas couldn’t help but smile.

Just before he’d fallen asleep Dean had been reminded of the wave of sadness that had come over him but he had been distracted from in the wake of what had happened. The sadness had been so intense it was as if every insecurity he’d ever had or would ever have had banded together to gang up on him at that precise moment. Every positive thought he’d ever had had suddenly flipped one-eighty and the opposite had become true.

He wasn’t a good hunter or brother. He wasn’t a good neighbor or friend. He’d never been a good son or person. Everyone he called a friend must really think him an embarrassment, his brother must consider him a burden. And Cas? Cas must think him laughable. He thought about the way Cas had rejected him all of those years ago, just a pathetic little boy begging to be fucked like an animal. And how had he changed? He’d aged but six years down the line he’d still begged Cas for sex like that little boy.

He’d fallen asleep with all of these thoughts swimming around in his head and Cas had eventually fallen asleep himself, content in the knowledge that Dean was sleeping peacefully. In his dream-like state his heat had started to act up again but he hadn’t been able to see it coming and he whimpered as the tears trailed down his cheeks without announcing themselves to the sleeping figures. Dean’s dreams were wrought with looming figures, darkness and torture, and even though a blinding light came to him and promised to save him, a light that smelled of honey, it left in a hurry and Dean was sure it would never follow through on its promise, he didn’t think himself worth saving.

In the early hours, Cas woke up to the feeling of them slipping apart where they had been joined for all of those hours. He opened his eyes lazily, realizing what it was he began to shut them again but a noise of discontent breathed from Dean’s lips and he looked to him as Dean pulled him closer and nestled against his chest. It wasn’t desperate or unconscious, it was sweet and comforting. Cas smiled and pulled him in the same way before he allowed himself to fall asleep again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's heat has come to an end but the pair aren't as unaffected by saying goodbye as they planned to be. But maybe it doesn't have to end, if only one of them could find it in them to say something, anything. Even just a hint. A confession of attraction to or affection for the other perhaps. That would be enough.
> 
> Right?

When Cas woke again it was light and he immediately closed his eyes again to the assault. As he lifted up he saw that even though the curtains were still pulled over one sliver of light had slipped through the middle and it happened to lie across his eyes on the pillow. He looked around for some indication of the time and found himself to be alone in bed, he looked to his right to the bedside table and then turned his head to the door, trying to hear movement outside the room and heard none.

He was surrounded by the smell of Dean, oil and leather, burning and smoking. He decided to investigate the whereabouts of the man who hadn’t woken him in the night like he said he would. He pulled on the pair of pajama bottoms that he’d pretty much called his own since the beginning of this heat and walked into the sitting room. While the day was bright and clearly well under way the apartment was dead, as if everyone in it were still asleep so when Cas saw Dean wasn’t anywhere to be found he walked to look in the bathroom.

In doing so, his eyes caught a figure on the balcony, Dean was standing in a dark blue robe looking out at the city around him. Dean looked to be deep in thought and therefore only turned when Cas climbed out of the window onto the balcony.

“Hey,” Dean said softly and then looked out again.

“How are you feeling?” Cas asked.

“I’m good,” Dean said and then turned to look at Cas as he walked to stand beside him. “How’d you sleep?”

Cas nodded and Dean looked out at downtown Kansas again. “You didn’t wake me,” Cas said.

“I slept right through,” Dean said softly, there was something melancholic about his voice, as if he was nostalgic and sad. “I must have needed the sleep.”

“I’m not surprised,” Cas said and thought about everything he’d learned the day before. “So, I uh-” He paused and Dean looked to him. “Forgive me for asking but I spoke to your neighbor as I was leaving yesterday.”

Dean’s brow dipped. “Who?”

“The elderly lady across the landing,” Cas said and Dean nodded, recognition relaxing his face. “She said-” He exhaled. “It’s really none of my business.”

“Spit it out, Cas,” Dean said softly.

“She mentioned a blonde woman who died?” Dean closed his eyes. “I thought you hadn’t been with anyone but perhaps that assumption was wrong, you don’t need to have sex to be in love.”

Dean lifted his right hand to wipe his forehead roughly. “Cas,” he said and looked to him, “this used to be my brother’s apartment.” Cas stopped. “He lived here with her girlfriend and then when he moved out I took it over, it’s more convenient for work, for the bunker and the other hunters we work with.”

“Oh,” Cas said and remembered the woman said she wasn’t sure who lived there now, before she said she wasn’t good with names. “She stills thinks Sam lives here.”

“She still gets us mixed up,” Dean said. “It’s still in his name, it’s a long story but Sam still lived here after Jess died then he moved out and I took it over.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas said.

“S'fine,” Dean said. “He wouldn’t come back ere for a while, even to see me. For a while he was devastated, you know,” Cas nodded, “but after a while he began to accept it and managed to drag himself out of bed again.” Dean sighed, as if the memory of that time in their lives made him heavy. He said that she’d made him a better person and he didn’t want to go back to a time before her but he couldn’t stay stuck on her either, he realized he had to move on, which meant not living in this apartment again. So, I stayed here. He stays at the bunker.” He shrugged. “He’s happy there.” He looked out onto the street.

“I apologize,” Cas said. “I just had to ask.”

“I get it,” Dean said and they were in silence for a few seconds before Dean spoke again. “You really think people can be in love without sex?” He looked to Cas.

“Yes,” Cas said. “In the same way you can have sex without being in love.”

Dean nodded and then turned away, feeling that remark stab him in the abdomen, as if he needed reminded.

Cas wondered why he’d said it and then thought it was perhaps a message to Dean, a pardon of sorts that told him that Cas knew what this was, an assurance that he didn’t expect more from Dean, he needn’t worry.

“Your doctor,” Cas said and Dean looked to him, “she said she’d met Sam, was he injured when she died?” Cas knew it was a strange question but he was trying to angle the conversation in a certain direction.

Dean shook his head. “I mean, yeah he was, he got a burn.” He looked at Cas. “She died in a fire and he tried to save her, I managed to drag him out again.”

“Again?” Cas asked.

Dean looked to him as if he’d surprised himself by his frankness. “It’s a long story but he wouldn’t go to the emergency room, it was just a burn on his arm, so I dragged him to my doctor but he was fine.” He didn't want to go into it and drag it all up again, besides, why would Cas care?

Cas thought about his words. “Was she your doctor six years ago?” he asked and Dean nodded. “So, she has prescribed you your suppressors this whole time, after what happened?”

“Yeah,” Dean said. “Yeah, I went to her a few days after my heat and got them.” He turned to Cas. “Why?”

Cas shrugged. “I just wondered, she seemed so worried about you-”

“Wait, actually,” Dean said and put his hand out, “when did you talk to my doctor?”

Cas hesitated. “Yesterday when I came back and found you unconscious, I called her. I told you all of this, don’t you remember?” Cas asked, panic suddenly filling his throat; if Dean didn’t remember that maybe he wouldn’t remember what else they talked about.

Dean thought about it and then the confusion left his face. “Oh, wait, yeah, I remember now. She said she could medicate me but it wouldn’t be as effective as you.”

“Yes,” Cas said. “So you remember everything we spoke about?”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, Cas,” he said and turned back to the street, “don’t worry. I remember.”

“Do you?” Cas asked.

“I remember what happened,” Dean said. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Cas.”

There was another silence.

Cas wasn’t sure how else he could ask Dean about what the doctor had said so instead he let it drop and tried something else.

“Do you think it’s over?” Cas asked when Dean hadn’t spoken.

“I don’t know,” Dean said.

Cas tilted his head to look at Dean who was still looking out at the city. “Well, do you still want me?”

Dean looked to him and then, just as he was about to turn away his gaze lingered and trailed down Cas chest and he used his tongue to wet his lips, looking up to Cas and then out at the city again.

“Yeah,” he said and crossed his arms over his chest, wondering if that had anything to do with his heat or not.

“Then, it’s not over,” Cas said and Dean nodded to himself, looking down but not turning to look at Cas.

>><<

Neither of them ate, strangely neither of them were very hungry. They both had a sick feeling in their stomachs, a sort of dread that the end was near. Instead they sat in silence on the couch and watched television, Dean switched between the channels and, chancing to look at Cas once, he saw his eyes narrowed and his head tilted.

He looked back to the television set before Cas could sense him looking and they finished the program. When Dean switched it to something else he looked at Cas again and saw the same confused fascination.

“You never watched TV before?” Dean asked, looking at him.

Cas looked to him then looked to the television again. “No,” he said. “I never got around to it, there was always too much work to do.” He tilted his head and Dean looked to the screen. “Is there Japanese porn,” Dean looked to him, “on this channel?”

“What?” Dean asked “Why?”

“Your doctor mentioned you watch it,” Cas said.

Dean grunted. “I’m gonna kill her.”

Cas glanced to Dean realizing he’d given himself the best chance he’d have. “She also mentioned that something might have happened to you six years ago.” He looked down as Dean looked to him. “She didn’t say what and it was my fault, I mentioned knowing you back then and she assumed I knew about it.”

“She shouldn’t be telling you anything,” Dean said with a set jaw.

Cas looked to him as Dean looked to his hands. “What happened?” Cas asked and then looked away. “I realize I have no right to ask that or expect an answer but I just wanted to let you know that you can tell me.”

“Nothing happened,” Dean said and he saw Cas nod. “No, really Cas,” Cas looked at him and he raised his eyebrows, “nothing happened.”

“I understand,” Cas said.

Dean grunted in frustration as he tilted his head back. “You don’t believe me. Okay,” he lowered his head and moved closer to Cas, “look at me.” He gestured to himself and Cas did just that. “Look right at me and listen to me. I left your house, I didn’t know what to do so I walked, I was scared and-” He closed his eyes. “I was weak with need,” he opened them again and Cas looked away thinking of how he’d found Dean earlier, “I walked as far as I could and I saw a bus station. I didn’t have any money but I figured I’d be okay inside and there’d be cameras so if- if anything happened at least it’d be on camera when it came to court.”

Cas exhaled and looked down. “Dean, I’m so sorry.”

“Cas,” Dean said and reached out his left hand to make Cas look up, “I’m not finished. I could barely walk by then, I sat at the far end of the station and I saw a group of guys come in the other end, they looked like the guys you saved me from so I panicked, I went to the restroom and locked myself in one of the separate cubicles and I didn’t move for the rest of my heat. Nothing happened to me.”

Cas looked over his face and felt confused. “So, why does your doctor-?”

Dean sighed and looked down. “I- Cas, I was so scared, I’d never been scared of anything in my life and there I was sitting on the floor between the bowl and the wall when someone tried the handle. I was crying, I was a mess. I never wanted that to happen again and then with everything else going on I went to Lisa, I asked her for them and she didn’t want to give me them, I was only seventeen usually you need to be eighteen or have parental consent but she knew me and my dad were- Well, anyway she said her hands were tied, if I have someone over eighteen to sign it then it’d be different…” Dean paused. “Or if I’d been attacked.”

“You lied?” Cas asked.

“No,” Dean said. “I didn’t say I was attacked, I just- when she asked me I didn’t say anything. I didn’t say yes.”

“But you didn’t say no either,” Cas said. “Dean, that’s wrong!”

“I know that!” Dean shouted. “You think I don’t know, I was a kid, Cas!” He stood up and waved his arms around. “I had a thirteen year old kid to keep out of care because my dad sure as hell didn’t seem to care, I had friends going to jail for rape, I had friends who killed themselves because they’d had it done to them and they couldn’t live with it.” He turned back to Cas. “Do you know how relieved I was when Sam presented as beta?”

“I can imagine,” Cas said.

“Can you?” Dean said. “The idea that he wouldn’t be in danger was amazing and the realization that, chances are, he wouldn’t do _that_ to another person was like I’d been holding my breath my whole life.” He walked towards Cas and sat down heavily beside him. “I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.”

Cas hesitated. “As long as nothing happened to you,” he said.

Dean looked to him. “Why do you care about me?”

“I always have,” Cas said. “That’s not going to change, especially now.”

“Why?” Dean asked. “Why did you get out that car and help me?”

“Because you were a defenseless child,” Cas said, “and I couldn’t just walk away and let it happen.”

“They could have hurt you,” Dean said.

“Why do you care about me?” Cas asked, throwing Dean’s own words back at him.

Dean looked at him, as if stunned by the realization of the words he was about to say. “I always have,” he said.

They both stared at each other, unmoving until the phone rang. Dean stood to answer it.

“Hello?” he said, looking at Cas who was looking down at his own lap apparently in thought.

 _“Mr Winchester, it’s Dr Braeden,”_ her voice came through and Dean walked behind the couch while Cas looked back to the TV again.

“Oh, hey Doc,” Dean said. “What can I do for you?”

_“Well, it’s nice to hear your voice, I gather you have recovered?”_

“Yeah,” Dean said and slowly rounded the couch around towards the bathroom rather than go back the way he’d just walked. “Yeah, I feel a lot better, thanks Doc.”

 _“Is Mr Novak still there?”_ she asked.

“Uh, yeah, yeah, he’s here,” Dean said and Cas looked to him.

 _“Could I talk to him?”_ she asked.

“Uh, sure,” Dean said and held the phone out for Cas.

Cas took it and looked to Dean before he put it to his ear and felt Dean sit back down beside him. “Hello?” Cas said.

 _“Hello, Mr Novak,”_ the doctor said. _“I wanted to see how you were?”_

“I’m fine,” Cas said.

_“Good. And Dean, is he well, in your opinion? How is his heat?”_

“Uh,” Cas said, “yes, yes he’s well. I think it’s almost passed, however I can only guess, Dean would know better.”

There was a pause, as if she expected him to say more. _“Well, that’s good. Could I perhaps speak to Dean again, Mr Novak?”_

“Yes, of course,” he said and held it out for Dean who looked to it then took it, his fingers brushing Cas’ as he did so.

Dean put the phone to his left ear and tilted his head to that side, lifting his right hand to scratch his neck. “Doc?”

Cas looked at his hand languidly scratching the skin and wanted more than anything to touch it, to kiss it, to run his tongue across it.

 _“I just wanted to ask you if you think you’re close to the end of your heat or if you think you may need me to assess you?”_ she asked.

Dean was aware Cas was looking at him, turning his face he saw that Cas was looking at his neck and he let his hand fall as Cas looked to his eyes, realizing he’d been caught, and then looked away.

“No, no I’ll be fine,” Dean said. “I’ve felt different since I woke up so I think I’m over it.”

Cas looked to him again, wondering about his comment earlier about still wanting him.

_“Well, that’s good to know, if you need anything else, call the surgery. I want you to make an appointment for a month’s time, for a checkup, whenever it’s convenient for you to do so.”_

“Will do,” Dean said.

_“And Dean? Make it with me, I’m your GP, you can’t avoid me forever.”_

Dean hesitated and looked to Cas again who wasn’t looking away this time. “Okay, yeah,” he said. “Bye.” He hung up and put it on the table in front of him. “What?”

“You lied,” Cas said.

“No, I didn’t,” Dean said. “I have felt different since I woke up.” He sat back in his seat, Cas turning to look at him as he rubbed his neck.

“You told me you still want me,” Cas said.

“Yeah?” Dean said and looked to him. “You were the one who decided that was tied to my heat. I wanted you in that store room, I wasn’t in heat then and I’m not now.”

Cas tilted his head. “You want me now?” he asked.

Dean turned and dropped his hand to his lap, looking over Cas’ face and inhaled before he nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Why?” He tilted his head and cracked his neck and when he looked again Cas was looking to his neck. “Cas, not for nothing but the last time someone looked at me like that…” Cas’ eyes moved to his. “I got laid.” He smirked.

“I know,” Cas said and slowly leaned to Dean, kissing him, Dean’s eyes staying open and watched him pull back. “I was there.” He leaned in and kissed Dean again, this time putting his hand on Dean’s face, using it to nudge him backwards on the couch.

Dean turned as he did so so that he could lie down on the sofa cushions, bringing his legs and feet up as Cas kneeled in between them, pulling at the tie around Dean’s waist and letting the robe fall open to reveal Dean was complete nude underneath before he leaned over him. Dean lifted to help Cas push his pants down but didn’t attempt to take his arms out of the robe. Cas didn’t wait, he pushed into Dean and they both groaned into each other’s mouths, ignoring the sounds of the TV in the background.

Cas’ knees were on the robe underneath Dean as he moved in and out, they prevented Dean from lifting his arms very far but he didn’t care, he just wrapped this hands around Cas’ shoulders as he pushed into Dean. It was how it should have been the night before, the absence of Cas’ knot meant that Cas could thrust in and out, hard and fast, without anything stopping him. The couch creaked under then and moved along the floor minutely.

Cas finally ran his tongue over the right side of Dean’s neck and then nipped it as he kissed it, heard Dean inhale sharply enough that it could have been a gasp he moved away from it and kissed up towards his ear. Dean was moaning into the room and Cas grunted in his ear.

Dean thought about how his need for Cas was the same during his heat as out of it, however when he was on his heat it was all about being knotted and making Cas come, out of it it was all about savoring and feeling it with him. It was about both of them and experiencing it because they wanted to, because it felt good and it was fun. At least it did to him.

Cas ran his right hand down Dean’s left side, down to his buttock and Dean lifted his leg as Cas’ hand moved under it. He then moved his leg to the side as he felt Cas gently run his hand over Dean’s balls and up to his dick, which he rubbed up the length of.

“The next time,” Cas said, “just tell me you want me and I’ll push you against that balcony wall.”

Dean groaned loudly as Cas wrapped his hand around him and began stroking. “I did tell you." He grunted. "And people might see,” Dean said.

“Let them,” Cas said and kissed Dean hard.

Dean was under no illusion that what was happening was just ‘fuck-talk’ and wasn’t a reflection of what Cas wanted, that is to say that Dean wasn’t taking what Cas was saying as an indication that this was happening again. He knew exactly what this had been and what was happening right then.

Cas moved as slowly as he could, as slowly as his body would allow him to but it was hard to control himself. He concluded that his body must still be affected by being around Dean because he didn’t understand how else he was still managing to keep going but he hoped against all hope it would last a long time. When he’d spoken those words to Dean they’d come out as a sort of habit of being there, practically living with him for a week, and it wasn’t until he heard himself say them that he realized there wouldn’t be a next time because he knew what they were doing on the couch.

Dean lifted his head, intending to kiss him but as Cas pushed in harder and his hand moved around Dean he had to tilt his head backwards and felt Cas kiss over his neck, his breathing heavy and escaping as he did so.

They both knew it and they both tried to make their peace with the fact – they were saying goodbye.

Dean came first, in Cas’ hand and over his own chest, followed closely by Cas who strained his name as he let his head hang, his hand still stroking Dean who shook with over-stimulation.

Dean put his left hand on Cas’ and pulled him away, stopping shaking with an exhale and they looked at each other.

“We didn’t have the burgers,” Dean said, trying to prolong it.

Cas paused, the surprise of those being the first words Dean said. “We- we could eat them now?”

“I’d need to cook them,” Dean said.

“I have time,” Cas said.

“Yeah?” Dean asked and looked over Cas’ face.

Cas smiled. “We’re stuck together,” he said.

Dean looked down. “We are?” he said and looked to Cas. “Maybe I’m not over my heat then.”

“I always produce a knot,” Cas said, moving towards Dean and leaning to kiss him, unable to stop himself.

“You do?” Dean said and let him, Cas nodded as best he could and pulled back. “I guess we have time then.”

“Yes, we do,” Cas said and looked to the side when Dean tried to lift his left hand to run his finger through Cas’ hair, he tried it twice and then lowered it, Cas using his right hand to help him take his arm out.

“Thanks,” Dean said and Cas hummed when Dean finally managed to run his fingers through his hair.

>><<

They eventually turned their attention to the TV and lay there for a while, looking between the screen and each other, Dean found it quite cute how much Cas paid attention to the programs but never really seemed to understand them.

Eventually, around lunch time, they fell apart and Cas went to shower, Dean having done so already when he'd woken up. When Cas was washing Dean did knock on the door and ask to pee which Cas nodded to, turning his back. Dean, who had put clothes on, turned to the bowl but found himself lean back to look in the medicine cabinet at Cas in the cubicle. The hot air around him had already steamed up the top of the cubicle door and all Dean could see was the bottom half and he looked back to the bowl to see he was dripping everywhere.

“Ah, shit,” he said and stepped back towards the bowl, finishing and looking over his shoulder to see if he’d been caught but Cas hadn’t turned around, so he dipped with a bundle of toilet paper and wiped it up before letting it drop into the water and flushing. He winced and turned to Cas. “You might wanna-”

Cas inhaled and hit the door, it opening with the force of him and Dean turned to catch him as he slid on the tile.

They paused as Cas took a breath of relief.

“I flushed,” Dean said, his arms under Cas’ who had turned his head to the right.

Dean turned his head to smell Cas’ neck – he could still smell the honey but he smelled something else too.

“It was cold,” Cas said, neither of them having moved and feeling Dean trail his nose and lips up his neck.

Dean hummed and tried to identify the smell, it was still something familiar to him. Like gun-powder but not.

Cas tried to stand up but he didn’t move as Dean’s hands ran down his side. He moved in closer behind Cas, closer until his clothes were damp with the water from the shower. He could smell the water but it was different, it was like a stream at the edge of a vast forest; he could smell a library like in the bunker; he could – for some weird reason – smell blood.

Cas stood there with his eyes closed as the hot air from the shower escaped into the bathroom and let Dean kiss his neck. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet, not if Dean continued like this.

And neither was Dean.

Without any warning Dean pushed Cas back into the cubicle and he turned to see Dean getting soaked by the water as he pulled the door closed and Cas reached out his hands to help him pull his t-shirt over his head, throwing it at the door but it merely fell to the floor. Dean kissed Cas hard, under the spray of the water, and both of them tried to undo Dean’s jeans. Dean idly thanked himself for deciding not to put his boots on as he dragged his jeans off and threw them behind him to the door, which opened slightly with the force.

“Fuck me,” Cas said against his lips and Dean paused, looking at him. “If you want to.”

“I didn’t know alphas liked that,” Dean said.

“I don’t know if they do,” Cas said. “But I want you to.”

Dean looked down to his lips and then stepped back to take his underwear off, tossing them behind him and then looking to his clothes before he kicked them outside of the cubicle and closed the door behind them.

He walked back to Cas and kissed him hard, pushing him from under the spray to the wall to the left of the controls and soap dish, the water ran down Dean’s back as he moved his kisses to Cas’ neck. He kissed up to his ear and then exhaled once.

“Turn around,” he said.

Cas closed his eyes and then opened them to look at Dean as he pulled back enough to look at his face. Cas paused for a second before he lifted from the wall and turned around on the spot. He put his hands against the wall.

“Have you done this before?” Dean asked.

“Not with someone,” Cas admitted.

Dean turned his face into the left side of Cas’ neck as he felt Dean’s hands on his hips. “You done this yourself, Cas?” he asked in a sultry whisper and kissed Cas’ jawline.

“Yes,” Cas said.

Dean chuckled against his neck. “Do you want me to do anything?”

“Whatever you want,” Cas said.

“Really?” Dean asked and Cas nodded when he felt Dean move his hips back, his right hand lifting from his hip and his left ankle being gently nudged. “Open.”

Cas moved his left leg over a step to the left, opening his legs further and closed his eyes when he felt something push at his hole. He didn’t know if it was fingers or Dean’s dick but he didn’t care.

“Guess,” Dean said in his ear.

“Just fuck me,” Cas said in an exhale and smiled when he heard Dean chuckle.

“I was goin’ to,” Dean said and Cas gasped when he felt Dean push into him, too thick to be fingers. “Like that?”

Cas nodded, his head lulling back to Dean’s right shoulder as he bottomed out. “Yes,” he said, his hands slipping from the tile.

“You’ve never had anyone like this?” Dean asked and Cas shook his head, his breathing erratic. “Did I hurt you?”

Cas shook his head and Dean could sense the smile in his voice, “No, you didn’t hurt me.”

“Does it feel how you thought it would?” Dean asked.

“Ask me after,” Cas said and felt hands on his hips. “Move.”

Dean pulled out and then pushed back in, however Cas was heavy against him.

“Cas, stand up,” Dean said.

Cas took his weight from Dean and put his hands back on the wall, letting his head hang and his hips swing out behind him.

“Yeah, like that,” Dean said and picked up his speed, pushing in harder and groaning. “Like that?”

“Yes,” Cas said and felt Dean’s left hand close over his buttock and then move around to his front, almost closing around Cas’ cock and trying to stroke in time with his thrusts. Cas was moaning, his head still hanging down. “That feels- be- better.”

“Better than what?” Dean asked and smirked. “Is me fucking you better than you fucking yourself, Cas?” Cas nodded and Dean couldn’t help but laugh.

“Harder,” Cas said and heard Dean chuckle in his throat again before he did just that, pushing Cas against the tile. “What?”

“Nothing, it’s just- I’ve said that a lot over the past few days-” He paused and grunted. “It’s just weird to hear someone else saying it.”

“Are you going to laugh all the way through this?” Cas asked against the tile.

“I’m trying to control-”

“Don’t,” Cas said and pushed back. “Give me everything you have.” Cas had to stop himself from adding that he wouldn’t have another chance.

Dean’s hips stuttered. “Cas, don’t ask me for something like that, if you don’t-”

“I mean it, Dean. Come on!” he said, his teeth bared.

He grunted when Dean pushed him against the tile, hard, with his left hand on the back of Cas’ neck and thrust in and out of Cas so fast that Cas wondered how this man wasn’t an alpha. He lapped it up, thinking about all of the times over the years he’d fantasized about it, how many times he’d masturbated over the idea of being fucked like this, how many times he’d pleasured himself, either with his fingers or the mail-order aid, wishing it was someone else.

Cas reached down and began stroking himself as Dean’s groans became louder and more frequent it spurred him on and he surprised himself when he came unexpectedly against the tiles. He was barely recovering when he felt Dean roll his hips in a shaky rhythm and stammered Cas’ name, clearly ejaculating. Then he felt Dean breathing against his back.

“What do you like on your burger?” Dean asked as he pulled out.

“Uh,” Cas said and paused, not expecting that. “I don’t know, I’ve never had one.”

“Well, how about I make it how I like it and you can take stuff off if you want?”

“Yes,” Cas said and turned around on the spot, just as Dean nodded and began to turn away, both of them still heavy breathing but Dean feeling a sense of despair creep up on him. He reached out and grabbed the back of Dean’s head, pulling him in for a kiss, Dean let him and kissed back before they pulled apart.

Dean pursed his lips together and looked down as if he hadn’t expected that and then looked to him. “I better get the food on,” he said.

“I know,” Cas said and smiled before he turned around and put his hand under the water to check its temperature than began showering again.

Dean hesitated before he stepped out of the shower and nearly tripped over the pile of wet clothes on the floor. He leaned down to pick them up and noticed that the door was completed steamed over now.

He found himself in a daze as he walked out of the room, water dripping from him because he hadn’t thought to dry himself, his clothes soaking in some parts and bone dry in others. As he crossed the sitting room and into the bedroom he was hit with a realization so hard he stopped, hunched over the basket in the corner of the room as he held his clothes over it. The clothes weren’t dirty, he’d only just put them on and all he needed to do was hang them up and let them dry but he couldn’t think that far ahead.

He wanted Cas to stay, and he stood there, genuinely frightened for the first time since he had dragged Sam out of that fire, since he had hid in that cubicle. He closed his eyes and let the clothes fall.

When Cas left the bathroom Dean was dry and dressed again in different clothes, cooking, he could smell it, and he had the radio on. He turned as he started to walk through the sitting room area when he heard Dean singing, he saw him use his hips to close the fridge and walk to the counter facing away from Cas.

Cas stopped outside Dean’s bedroom as he started shaking his hips and singing along to _Heat of the Moment_ by Asia and Cas looked down, thinking it summed up how Dean must have thought of what they’d shared. He then disappeared into the bedroom to get dressed.

When he reemerged the lights in the kitchen had been turned off in exchange for the lamps dotted around the room and it gave the place a warm and comfortable ambiance. For a second, Cas thought it was romantic, but he shook the thought from his head when Dean turned his upper body to look at Cas and he continued walking towards the kitchen area.

“Hey,” Dean said and turned back. “Have a seat.”

At the table there were four seats but cutlery was set out for just two; one of them faced away from the fridge and the other faced where Dean was stood now, his back to Cas as he walked over. Cas took the seat facing him, pulling it out with his right hand and putting his left over his chest as if forgetting he wasn’t wearing a tie as he sat.

Dean turned with two plates and put them both down, Cas looked down at it. Dean had made burgers and fries, topping it up with some onion rings. It all looked homemade and smelled amazing.

“Wow,” he said.

“Beer?” Dean asked.

“Sure,” Cas said but didn’t look away as he smiled at his burger and Dean smiled looking at him.

He went to the fridge and took two bottles out twisting the caps off and threw them in the trash before he held out one for Cas. Cas took it and Dean took a drink of his own as he sat down in the other chair.

“Well,” Dean said and gestured his head to the burger, “dig in.”

Cas put his beer down and then carefully picked up his burger in both hands.

“You ain’t allergic to anything, are ya?” Dean asked as he watched him settle the burger in his hands.

“Not that I know of,” Cas said, looking at him and, when Dean nodded a little, he took a bite of the burger, aware Dean was watching him.

He could taste the juice run out from the burger, there was salt on the burger but _just enough_ that it didn’t threaten to make Cas thirsty all on its own; there was cheese melted against the bottom of the burger; pickles on the top, warmed by the meat pressed against it; chopped onions mixed into a mustard sauce, a dab of something Cas hadn’t tasted before and ketchup. And he could taste the dough of the burger buns sandwiching everything in between, slightly moist on the insides as a result.

Cas closed his eyes and swirled it around his mouth, the variety of flavors seeping from the red meat hit Cas’ system like it had discovered something it had craved his entire life and never knew it needed.

“Good?” Dean asked, unsure of the answer himself.

Cas opened his eyes and looked at Dean’s hopeful expression, and smiled. “Yes,” he said and nodded, looking to the plate. “Yes, very good.”

Dean nodded and looked to his own plate. “Awesome,” he said and when Cas looked he saw he hadn’t started his own food yet, instead he’d taken the top off of his burger and was putting onions rings and fries on top of the pickle on the meat, pressing them into the sauce to keep them there.

Cas looked to his plate as he put his burger down and set about doing the same thing, Dean looked up and smiled when he saw what he was doing.

“That white sauce,” Cas said, pointing to a pool of it that hadn’t mixed well with the rest. “What is that?”

“Mayo,” Dean said. “You never had mayo before?”

Cas shook his head. “Can’t say I have,” he said.

“What have you been doing with your life?” Dean asked.

“Working,” Cas said.

“I work too, but I know how to have fun,” Dean said as he squashed the top burger bun on top, Cas doing the same.

“Mayonnaise is fun?” Cas asked.

Dean chuckled as he lifted his burger. “No,” he said. “Smart ass.” He took a bite and Cas smiled.

“Sam hasn’t called,” Cas stated.

“No,” Dean said. “He probably thinks I’m with that alpha.” Cas nodded and Dean looked at him, chewing his mouthful. “So, why did you leave me that?” He pointed to the counter where the card still sat.

Cas looked to it then back to Dean. “I-” He looked down. “I was leaving you on your worst day, I couldn’t exactly blame you for-”

“But you were coming back?” Dean said and Cas looked away, Dean dipped his head. “You were coming back, right?”

“It wasn’t my intention,” Cas said quietly.

Dean paused in shock. He put his burger down and wiped his hands slowly as he leaned back, never taking his eyes from Cas’ face. “Sorry, but _what the hell,_ Cas!”

Cas looked down and sighed. “I was-”

“Look at me when you lie to me!” Dean shouted.

Cas shouted back as he looked up to Dean, “I told you, I can’t tell you what to do, Dean! I left you when I said I wouldn’t, you’d be within every right to call that alpha!” He gestured his left hand to the card, neither of them looked away. “Do you think I wanted to come back to that?”

“But you did!” Dean shouted back.

“Yes!” Cas said. “I spent all day thinking about that, about if you called him, I thought about the blonde woman but I couldn’t stop worrying about you, I couldn’t stop feeling guilty about leaving you and hoping you were okay. I left work early, I came back here and you’ve no idea how glad I am that I did.”

They fell silent.

They chewed for a little while and Cas thought it was forgotten.

Dean cleared his throat. “I appreciate it,” Dean said.

“I think you should see your doctor, you were passed out-”

“Not that you came back, Cas,” Dean said and Cas looked at him. “I’m- I’m happy that you did and grateful but I appreciate that- that you didn’t try to-” He shrugged. “Own me.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” Cas said.

“I know,” Dean said and they looked at each other before they carried on eating. “You left work early?” Dean asked as he finished his onion rings and watched Cas chew his burger slowly. “Did someone cover for you?” Dean asked, trying to strike up a normal conversation.

Cas shook his head. “Hannah called in sick, I was the only one there, I shut early.”

Dean paused. “Won’t you get in trouble?” he asked.

“No,” Cas said. “Even if I did, it was worth it.” Cas shook his head as he remembered seeing Dean lying on the floor. "Very worth it," he said to himself. Dean’s chewing stuttered then continued in a slower manner as his eyes darted over Cas’ face awkwardly, he eventually looked to the table, a little embarrassed, as Cas looked back to him. “How are you, Dean?”

Dean looked back to him as if he didn’t expect the question and shook his head a little. “Fine,” he said.

He really wasn’t, he was trying to ignore the realization that he wanted Cas to stay or the subconscious move on his part to set them up in a date-type scenario and he’d deny it if anyone, including Cas, ever asked. But that wasn’t what Cas was asking, he meant after Dean’s heat, after he passed out, after he drifted in and out of consciousness for the last day.

Cas tilted his head forward to the right a little, disbelieving.

Dean opened his eyes wider and he smiled, trying to convey sincerity when it was only thinly true. “I’m great!” he said.

Cas’ brow dipped in concern, he reached out his right hand and put it on Dean’s shoulder. “You would tell me if you were not?”

Dean looked back at him, feeling lost in that stare, as if nothing else matter. Or at least it threatened to make him feel like that, threatened to make him think that was possible. And it scared him down to his core.

“Yeah,” Dean whispered, finding himself trying to find the courage to ask him not to go.

They talked about general things while they settled the burgers and fries in their stomachs. Dean finished Cas’ onion rings and got another beer while Cas finished his and opted for water since he was driving.

Dean cut them off slices of apple pie while Cas stood, walking to the dishes and began to rinse them.

Dean turned to look. “Hey, leave those, I got ‘em. You could get the ice cream outta the freezer, though.”

Cas looked to the refrigerator and opened the small door at the top before he found a rectangular tub of vanilla ice cream and closed the door. He walked to the counter on Dean’s right and put it down.

“Scoop is in the thing there,” Dean said. Cas looked to him and watched him gesture his head and eyebrows to the window ledge.

Cas reached out to a wooden box that held all sorts of utensils and found the ice cream scoop. He opened the lid and, taking the scoop in his right hand, he tried to use it to scoop out some. Tried.

Dean cut up the pie and then stood, watching with barely concealed amusement as Cas struggled against it, grunting away.

“Alright, easy there, Scrappy Doo,” Dean said and took the scoop from Cas, walking around him to the sink. “You’re supposed to be an alpha,” he said as he ran the scoop under the hot water, “and you’re being shown up by frozen milk, you should be ashamed.” He smiled and held out the scoop to Cas.

Cas took it and then looked to the ice cream. “I think I’ve shown you what I can do,” Cas said and produced a scoop of ice cream, putting it on the plate and pausing while he scooped out another. “And I was holding back.” He put it on the plate and exhaled as he looked to Dean.

“Really?” Dean asked, Cas watched his tongue poke out to his lip as his eyes roamed Cas’ face.

“More?” Cas asked.

 _God yes,_ Dean thought but he saw Cas gesture the scoop to the ice cream.

“No, I’m good,” Dean said and Cas put the lid on the ice cream. Dean took it and put it back as Cas put the pie down on the table, taking his seat again.

Dean joined him and they ate in relative silence, making comments here and there – Cas liked the pie, Dean prefers chocolate ice cream and cherry pie but not together, Cas was working the next day, Dean couldn’t wait to get back in the saddle, Cas was going to drive home and Dean couldn’t wait to get back into the driver’s seat of his car.

“I missed my baby,” Dean said as they finished.

“What?” Cas asked.

“My car,” Dean said. “She’s my baby. Isn’t your car your baby?”

“No,” Cas said. “My car is my transportation.” He tilted his head. “Why do you call it that?”

“Her,” Dean corrected. “I call my car that because, because she is!” He shrugged. “She’s beautiful, man. Outside and in, drives well, looks good, she’s an awesome ride. I’ll take you for a spin one day.”

“I would like that,” Cas said, neither of them really believing it’d happen.

In the end there was no other way for them to stretch it out any further and Cas put his jacket on at the door. Dean was standing there, still trying to find it in him, not even to ask Cas to stay but to ask him if he could see him again. He wanted to say that if Cas only wanted to see him during his heat then he understood but he just didn’t want to say goodbye now.

In the end Cas turned to him as he opened the door and saw Dean looking right through the door, his mind whirling a mile a minute.

Cas put his right hand to cup Dean’s face and the man looked at him.

“Goodbye, Dean,” Cas said and kissed him once and firmly before he pulled back and smiled weakly before he left, pulling the door closed behind him.

Dean put his right hand on the door and nodded, knowing in his heart what Cas was really saying; that he didn’t want Dean to find the words because this was all he wanted, that this was enough for him. He was telling Dean to give up.

“Bye, Cas,” Dean said softly.

Cas stopped outside the door, wishing he’d had it in him to ask Dean if they would see each other again but he couldn’t. The burgers and pie had felt like a last supper and he didn’t want to remember this moment as the one that Dean rejected him, laughed at him even. So, in the end, he walked to the end of the corridor, down the stairs and out into the parking lot.

Dean was on the balcony, watching as the beige coat billowed behind Cas four stories below him. He watched him go to his car and then stop as he opened the door, he looked up. Dean thought about jumping back or even ducking. But in the end he just looked down at the man looking up.

Two men who had had almost found something six years ago had found it again, if only for a week. They stared for a good few seconds before Dean had to look away, the heat behind his eyes threatening to push the tears brimming in his eyes onto his cheeks which made it hard to see. In looking away not only did he break eye contact and make Cas look down before he got into his car, he made his tears actually slip out and rush down his face. He heard the engine start up and he quickly wiped his face before he faced out again, ready to watch the car drive away as if he had to see it happen to believe it. Or as if it were some kind of game, the longer he watched it the more he wished it would turn around and come back.

Cas looked in his rear-view mirror but could only see the building before he turned right and lost sight altogether. He pulled in at the side of the road quickly and exhaled, leaning forward and putting his head on his forearms on the wheel. He felt like he’d achieved something impossible by actually leaving without breaking down, something that his entire body hadn’t wanted him to but he had had to.

It wasn’t his choice after all; he couldn’t tell Dean what to do with his life. And, like Dean said, he appreciated it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The heat is long over but not forgotten. It has also had some knock-on effects for the pair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to confess that I haven't proofread this chapter and I apologise. I wasn't quick enough to get it up yesterday and so figured I'd put it up now and it'd force me to proofread it later in the week, rather than making you guys wait until next weekend for the end chapter. Also, no fear, this is not the end of this story. Far from it. *smirk*

One month later.

Dean pulled his pants up and buttoned them before he pulled the curtain back and fixed his t-shirt, looking to his doctor already sitting at her chair, looking over a paper.

“What’s the verdict?” Dean asked.

She looked up as he sat back down and smiled. “You’re doing well. Your womb seems to be healthier, which is a good sign, especially so early. You haven’t sustained any damage to the area, you must have found a very considerate and controlled alpha.”

“Yeah,” Dean said. “Listen doc, about Cas-”

She lifted a hand, her smile disappearing. “I know what you’re going to say, Dean.”

“You do?” Dean asked.

“I assume that Mr Novak must have told you, and if he hasn’t then it’s my duty to inform you that I spoke out of turn when I was on the telephone to Castiel. I assumed, from our conversation, that he was privy to information that he was not-”

“Oh, that,” Dean said and looked down.

“Yes, and you would be well within your rights to report me-”

“I don’t care about that,” Dean said and looked up.

“You don’t?” she asked.

“No,” Dean said. “I was going to- to tell you something. Something I should have admitted to you a long time ago. I lied, and I didn’t mean to but I was scared, I’d never been terrified like that before and I didn’t know what to do. I know that’s not an excuse, Dr Braeden, but I always meant to tell you the truth, I thought about it every time I was here but then the longer I didn’t the harder it became to admit it until it was never going to be a good time.”

Lisa just stared at him. “Admit what, Mr Winchester?”

“I-” Dean hesitated, looking at the desk, and then looked up into her eyes. “I was never attacked.” Her face fell. “I was meeting a friend the night I went into heat, he said he would get me through it but I never showed. I got lost trying to find the met up place and I walked down the wrong alley and three alphas cornered me.” He swallowed. “But then Cas came outta nowhere, he saved me from them. He offered his house for the rest of my heat, I was scared but not of him, I don’t know why.” Dean paused. “I went to his and he-” He stopped.

Lisa leaned forward. “Dean, coercion is still assault, you were a vulnerable minor and he lured you into his home-”

“What?” Dean said. “No! No!” He shook his head. “No, Cas didn’t touch me. He stayed away from me, even though he wanted to, I could tell when I was around him, his body told him to but he ignored it. I even went to him the second night, I practically begged him to help me, to take it away, to take me. He refused, he said he wouldn’t do it because I didn’t want him. I was so ashamed I left in the middle of the night. I hid a restroom for the rest of my heat and then I came to see you.”

Lisa leaned back.

“I’m sorry, Dr Braeden, I know it was a stupid thing to do, disrespectful to you and the people who have been attacked. But,” he shook his head, tears in his eyes, “I was so damn scared, Lise, I have never been that scared and ashamed and-” He poked his tongue out to his lip and then closed his mouth again. “I’m sorry.”

Lisa watched him look down to his hands.

“Why?” she asked.

“I just told you-” Dean said.

“No, why did you tell me?” she asked.

Dean looked up. “I- I don’t know,” he said. “I was talking about it to Cas and it brought the guilt to the surface again. You’ve been nothing but good and understanding to me and Sam and- And it’s not fair that this is still hanging in the air between us.”

“Well,” she said and looked around as she settled in her chair, “let’s forget it, shall we?” Dean looked to her. “Call it even?”

“Yeah,” Dean said and nodded.

“Right,” she said. “Well, like I said, your tests look good. Do you intend to stay off of the suppressors?”

Dean paused before he nodded once. “Yeah,” he said. “I feel less muddled.” He gestured to his head. “I didn’t realize I was muddled.”

“That’s because the suppressors mess with your hormones,” she said. “It’s not healthy, especially not for long periods of time.”

“Like six years?” Dean asked.

“Exactly,” she said and then looked to the side as she continued, as if trying to appear nonchalant but failing miserably. “And, uh, your next heat?” Dean looked to her. “Do you have an alpha lined up or is Mr Novak-?”

“That was a one off,” Dean said. “My next heat I’ll just lock myself in my apartment and grin and bear it.”

Lisa decided not to press it further and nodded once. “Well, if you need the number for an agency-”

“My brother has plenty,” Dean said, ignoring the lump in his throat at the thought of Cas.

>><< 

Outside the doctors Sam was leaning on the hood of a black ’67 Chevy Impala and nudged his head up when Dean approached.

“What’d she say?” he asked.

“Looking good,” Dean said.

“No prescription?” Sam said as they parted at the front and went to their respective sides to get in.

“Nope,” Dean said and they opened the doors, getting in the car and closing the door.

“So, you’re staying off them?” Sam asked as he settled, fixing his jacket around him.

“Yep,” Dean said, started the car and pulled it out of park and out of the spot. “Don’t get me an alpha again. I get what you were trying to do but don’t.”

Sam sighed. “You sent him away, didn’t you?” Dean looked to the side. “There’s no need for you to suffer.”

“I was fine,” Dean said. “Look, Sam, I said I get what you were tryna do but this is my decision. I’m off the damn tablets, can you just listen to me this time?” he looked to Sam and then the road.

“Okay, fine,” Sam said. “It’s your life.”

“Yeah, it is,” Dean said, glad that Sam was backing down this time before things got heated. He was used to people telling him that he and his brother had a very codependent and involves relationship – sometimes too involved – and so, truth be told, he wasn’t actually surprised that his brother had gone around him and tried to push an alpha on him, probably thinking he was just too stubborn to do it himself. The only real surprise was that he hadn’t seen it coming. And that he was letting it drop.

 

Sam didn’t approach the subject again, they just got back on the road and headed out to Arizona where their bounty had high-tailed it to. The locals knew they’d been chasing him and, despite rumors, there was honor among hunters so he might be hunted, he might be tracked down, but ultimately it’d be the Winchesters bringing that hunt home. Unless the few hunters or groups that didn’t want to play by the rules rolled into town, then it became a different game. However, it seemed like this was one they had passed up. So far.

Dean had returned to the bunker ten days after he’d failed to show up for work. Dean’s heat hadn’t lasted that long but he lounged around his apartment for a few days feeling tired and shit, frankly. There was also the slight fear he’d retained that he’d go outside too early and invite trouble. But then he’d had to get out, and it wasn’t until he’d done that he realized how much the apartment still smelled like Cas. When he came back two days later he was hit by a mist of blue, the rush of water all around him. He’d had to leave right away, he slept in the bunker for a few days.

Sam wasn’t sure what was going on but he began to notice something different about Dean, or maybe it was a bunch of little things rather than just one. He’d stopped ordering burgers, or apple pie (which Sam had to take a second to digest), he would order pancakes and ask for a side of honey, which he never had done before and which he never touched, stating (when pressed) that he just liked the smell, that was all. When Dean stopped on the way out of one of the towns they were looking for a bounty in to sit by a stream Sam watched him sit on the bank, close his eyes and inhale. And then he saw him hang his head sadly. Dean used to be flattered (or at least seem that way) when men and women hit on him, when they were working Sam used to have to drag him away. He did it because they had a job to do but he also did it as a way of saving his brother: Dean never followed through, he never called the numbers he was given, he never even kept them and thought Sam never knew. Sam dragged his brother away so he didn’t have to run.

But now Dean seemed to be annoyed by it, instead of tactfully side-stepping it or playing along, he acted as if it were a personal insult and had no problem in making it shown. Afterwards he would fall to silence and then mope in a sad but angry way. What he was angry at, Sam couldn’t figure out, or who.

Sam wondered if this was who his brother had been all along, if this is how he had been at seventeen and then drugged himself into a different person. Sam hadn’t known Dean at that age, or more accurately he barely remembered him. Sam and Dean were hunters because of their father and it was because of that life that Dean had disappeared at fifteen, when Sam was eleven, and they’d thought him dead. Sam didn’t know that Dean still called to check up on him because John never told him, Bobby did years later. He even let slip that most of the time he’d follow them as they moved from town to town and all of the times that Sam thought he was going crazy he really had seen his brother in a crowd.  Sam wished he could have been there at the beginning to stop Dean doing this to himself. If it hadn’t been for the court case Sam might not even be there now. Because maybe it wasn’t that he’d been covering up who he had been this whole time, maybe it was that because he’d been suppressing his heat he never got a chance to really find out who he was, to get to know himself as he went through the journey that every omega does.

Sam supposed that was it; Dean was going through puberty six years after the fact. He was a confused, scared, short-fused, emotional little boy all over again and, knowing how Dean felt about that, angry, ashamed and emasculated to boot. Sam was just going to have to make sure that, this time, he wasn’t alone.

 >><<

Two weeks later.

Cas was sitting in an office, he was wearing a suit and tie while his trench coat hung on a peg by the door and his briefcase sat to his left on the floor. His mind was wandering back to Dean, as it had done since he’d driven away. He thought about when they ate together and how he’d just wanted to tell him how he really felt, how he hadn’t wanted to leave, how he was perfectly okay with whatever Dean wanted he just didn’t want that to be the end.

He remembered going to the store on his way home, thinking that his fridge wouldn’t offer up anything he could safely eat anymore. The cashier had smiled at him as another customer had squeezed past him to get out.

“Whoa,” the man had said and lingered on Cas who’d turned his upper body to look at the man. The man was looking at Cas and smiling. “You smell good.”

“Thank you,” Cas said, for want of saying anything else, and turned back to the cashier to pay. He looked to the man who had begun to walk away. He looked to the woman as he shoved his wallet back in his pocket. “Thank you.” She nodded and started to serve the next customer.

Cas got all the way outside, carrying the three bags he had, when the man, who was leaning against the wall, pushed off and walked to him.

“I didn’t mean to embarrass you in there,” he said, making Cas stop in his tracks. “I just never smelled anything like you before, you busy?”

“I’m not interested,” Cas said and walked away.

The man stepped in front of him, making Cas stop too. “Come on, don’t be so moody.” Cas sighed. “That’s your heat, I can make that go away, omega.”

Cas looked him dead in the eye. “Omega?”

“Yeah,” he said and sniffed the air. “You smell like a garage or something. It’s delicious.” He smirked. “What d’you say?”

Cas stepped towards him. “You’re smelling _my_ omega on me, I’m an alpha,” Cas said and felt his jaw tighten as he strained to stop himself from growling.

The man looked over Cas and then put his hands up as he took a step back. “My bad, friend,” he said.

Cas looked to him and then walked away.

“Damn,” the man said and watched Cas as he walked away. “Smells so good.” He tutted and walked away in the other direction.

Cas sighed as he got to his car and put his bags in the trunk, ignoring the voice in the back of his head.

_He’s not yours though, is he?_

Cas sat in his office and closed his eyes in shame as he remembered pulling the side of his coat up to his nose and inhaling deeply. He could smell mud and salt, black and the crust of a pie. He had then closed his eyes and exhaled, shaking his head as he turned the engine over.

“No, he’s not,” Cas had said to himself and pulled the car out of the spot.

He repeated it to himself, now sat in his suit and tie before adding, “Get over it,” nd then looked down to his work.

>><< 

At the same time, Dean and Sam were talking to the local PD in Austin, Texas who had responded to an armed robbery at a local store with an attached garage forecourt. They were standing outside in the chill in long thick coats and, what Dean would call, ‘monkey suits’ which seemed to just be making them colder. The deputy looked mildly put out by the entire episode and didn’t do more than glance at their IDs. He seemed to be more interested in picking fluff from his uniform. Dean had a picture of it pinned to the board he’d set up in the bunker for news; it was a new uniform and it was imperative that the hunters learned to recognize it quickly.

“So he lowered the gun and took the lady’s truck,” the deputy said and pointed to the woman sitting on a bench, leaning over and apparently retching.

Dean and Sam turned and looked at her and then back to the deputy.

“How’d you guys get here so quickly, anyway?” he asked the pair.

“We were already here,” Sam said and the deputy raised his eyebrows.

“Been chasing this guy for four days,” Dean added. “Took it over when he assaulted that guy in New Braunfels.”

“You guys sicko-wranglers?” he asked, chewing on gum at the side of his mouth.

Dean just stared at him, his eyes narrowing slightly at the note of amusement in the man’s voice. He’s been in a lot of pain today, he assumed a questionable burrito to be the cause, and what he wanted more than anything was some smart-ass deputy thinking this was a laughing matter just let rip on. Sam sensed this and cut in just as Dean opened his mouth, lifting his left hand to point at the young guy.

“Yeah,” Sam said and Dean let his mouth close, his hand lowering and he looked to the woman who seemed to be calming down with the help of another cop who was talking to her. “Something like that.” Sam looked sideways at his brother before looking back to the cop. “So, can we talk to the attendant?”

“Knock yourselves out,” he said and looked at Dean. “He seems pretty shaken up,” he chuckled and looked through the window, “these kids always are.” He looked back to Dean who seemed interested in him again and then to Sam. “They’ve never seen a gun, poor things.” He chuckled again.

“Or maybe they just don’t expect to go to work serving people and have their lives threatened,” Dean snapped.

“Dean-” Sam warned.

“No,” Dean said and pointed his offending hand at the officer, am sighed and rolled his eyes, knowing that it was no use, Dean was gone. “Listen to me, Deputy All-heart-”

“It’s Alhare,” he said.

“I don’t give a crap!” Dean spat. “That _kid_ came into work this morning, thinking about what he was gonna have to do today- clean the floors, stack the shelves, that sorta thing. Then maybe he thought about dinner, tonight, tomorrow, next week. That woman-” He pointed behind him at the woman nodding and wiping her eyes, oblivious to Dean or Sam. “Got in her car and decided to go to the store, maybe fill up her tank, grab a few things-” He dropped his hand and his body relaxed back into its position. “They didn’t figure that this asshole was gonna escape CTDF-”

“What?” he asked.

Dean inhaled and pursed his lips, looking at Sam with wide eyes that told Sam one thing; tell him before I shoot him. “Central Texas Detention Facility in San Antonio,” Sam said and looked down again.

“Can I finish?” Dean asked the deputy with a set jaw and a voice that told him to nod and nothing else, which he did, after a hesitation. “They didn’t figure he was gonna escape, go on the run and start robbing, attacking and sexually assaulting his way north, alright?There is a kid- He’s seventeen, by the way- There’s a kid now traumatized after this guy violated him-” The deputy looked away to the side. “No, no,” Dean said and leaned to his left, trying to catch the deputy’s eyes and Sam looked up. “You look at me,” Dean said and the deputy did. “He’s in pieces. He’s been a victim of a crime, a disgusting crime.” He pointed to the woman. “She’s a victim.” He then pointed to the kid behind the glass of the pay-window for gas. “He’s a victim.” He put his hands out to the deputy, cutting the air. “They do not need you laughing at them. You are a police officer, you’re not here to laugh at them, you’re here to protect them and when you can’t do that you’re here to start the process of them getting justice.” He gestured to Sam and himself. “That’s why we’re here.” His eyes sharpened. “Why are you here?”

The deputy looked to Sam who just stared at him; his brother might be an ass sometimes but he was behind him all the way here. He then looked down and nodded.

“I’m sorry,” he said and looked up, about to say something else.

Dean however, had a pain in his stomach and figured that burrito wasn’t finished with him yet, he needed a hasty exit but there was no way he was losing face here.

So instead he cut him off, much to Sam’s surprise, “I’m not interested in your apologies,” he said. “The next time you pass a mirror, instead of worrying about the fluff on your shoulder, try thinking about what the uniform _means_.” He looked at him for a second. “Deputy Alhare.” He then pushed passed him and walked away inside, discretely holding his stomach, his face betraying his discomfort.

Sam smiled politely at the deputy and followed Dean, jogging to catch up.

“That was a bit harsh,” Sam said, “not letting him apologize.”

“Yeah, well, he’ll feel worse and hopefully it’ll stick with him.” He grunted. “And I need to hit the head.” He heard Sam exhale a quick laugh. “You get the kid, I’ll be through there.” He pointed ahead and hurried towards the restroom.

They went in the automatic doors, Sam went right and Dean practically ran ahead.

Sam approached an officer and a young guy in his mid-twenties sitting on a stool behind his desk. He was skinny, his face whiter than usual and he was wearing a white apron and cap, each with white stripes bordering along the edges, while his brown hair stuck out from under the sides of his cap. On the desk was a sign telling customers that this desk was closed and advised them to try one of the others while apologizing for any inconvenience caused.

“Hey,” Sam said and looked around as the pair looked to him, he was checking to see who was in the store; it had been reopened after the police had collected all the evidence needed and there were shoppers who seemed completely unaware of the police presence. Sam took out his ID and showed it to the officer then to the kid. “Sam Winchester, I’m a FRA- a bounty hunter.” They both nodded and as he closed it he gestured to the officer outside who was taking in his radio. “The deputy said I could have a word, is that okay?”

“Sure,” the kid said.

“I’ll be back,” the officer said and she left, both of them nodding to her.

“Can I come around?” Sam asked and when he nodded again Sam took the officer’s place on the kid’s right. “What’s your name?” he asked.

“Troy,” he said.

“Troy,” Sam repeated, thinking how he reminded him of Garth, back when they’d met him years before, when he was just a scrawny kid who liked hugging a bit too much. Not much had changed. “Listen, the man who held you up, me and my partner have been hunting him for a few days.”

“He’s wanted?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Sam said. “For a lot of things, he escaped jail for one. We need to know if you can remember anything that might indicate where he was going. Anything at all.”

In the restroom Dean went straight into a stall, undid his trousers, pulled them and his underwear down and sat down hard, exhaling as he did. His pain seemed to be harder, like a mixture of muscle and general ache. As he sat down the pain in his stomach shifted and he inhaled hard, just enjoying the change in position. He rubbed his right hand over his face and heard someone else in the stall get up, fuss with clothing, flush and move to the sink area where they quickly washed their hands and left.

Dean thought back to when they started this chase, he was glad of the long-haul, he needed out of his apartment. He’d expected it to get better as the hormone had gone away but if anything it had just gotten worse. It felt so damn empty and he was sure there had to a bee hive or wasps nest on his balcony somewhere because that smell didn’t seem to be going away. He woke in the night, either rutting against the bed with memories for dreams or calling Cas’ name, thinking that the smell meant he was close. He’d barely had a goodnight’s sleep since they’d said goodbye. He’d even tried catching some hours in the bunker but it was the same routine.

Dean sighed thinking that, since he didn’t seem to be about to do anything here, he’d better get back out to Sam and this hunt. He knew he probably shouldn’t have snapped at the deputy, hunters needed good relationships with cops, especially ones that could help them in present and future hunts, but he couldn’t help it, the pain was too much; it had his abdomen in a tight grip and the ache had started to bleed down his legs. It made him just want to curl up in bed or a bath but he needed to get back to what he did best – tracking scum.

He sat back readying himself to stand up when something caught his eye and he looked down. He stared, not believing what he was seeing at first, but then his eyes widened to it. He wasn’t imagining it – his boxer briefs were covered in blood.

He looked around the cubicle helplessly for a few seconds and then let his head hang, catching it in his left hand again before quickly lifting it and shaking it fervently. “You have got to be kidding,” he muttered and then gestured his hands out. “Now what do I do?”

He held his breath when he heard the door open, then the sound of a zip going down and the trickle of someone urinating.

Dean squeezed his eyes tight, trying not to freak out, trying not to shout at the guy to help him, he was bleeding, he must be injured but more than anything he was just so exhausted. Not just physically but emotionally, he felt so highly stung with the lack of a goodnight’s sleep and everything else.

He opened his eyes when he heard the door open, the footsteps fade and then the door close. He rushed to take his cellphone out of his pocket and opened it, listening for any sounds. He was doing it without thought; he was in his contacts and going down to Cas, where he stopped and stared at it.

He wasn’t dumb, he knew he wasn’t injured or anything, he knew exactly what that blood was. Lisa had mentioned it after their examination, she’d wanted to make sure he was prepared for what was coming. She’d asked him if he was aware of, what she called, ‘periods’, she hadn’t even given him a chance to pretend that of course he did, she’s gone straight into explaining that in between heats – almost exactly in the middle of the three month gap – there would be a period four days to a week, possibly ten days that he would bleed. He’d been so shocked that he nearly fell out of his chair. She said it was nothing to worry about, it was just his body clearly out the unused hormones and material that it had been preparing to facilitate a pregnancy and now that it didn’t use it it had to get rid of it and start all over again for the next heat. He’d exhaled had and took the leaflets she’s given him without another word on the subject.

And he hadn’t read any of them.

He’d been too scared and now here he was, mid-hunt, in Texas, in a restroom, with dirty underwear and no way out of this with any dignity.

He wanted to call Cas, ask him for help, ask him to save him again. He knew that Cas would come, he would bring him what he needed, tell him it was okay and get him out, feeling like himself, like nothing had changed and that he had it handled, or at least that he wasn’t alone.

But he hesitated, and even though he told himself that Texas was too far to ask someone to come with clean underwear he knew that wasn’t the reason at all. He remembered their goodbye and knew, as he dialed Sam, that he was a coward.

Sam was standing taking notes from Troy when his cellphone rang in his pocket.

“Excuse me,” Sam said and took it out, checking the caller ID he frowned when he saw Dean’s name. He indicated to Troy he would be two minutes and stepped away to a quiet corner. “Dean?” he said as he answered the call.

“Sam,” Dean said, it echoed in the restroom even though he’d whispered. “Come to the restroom.”

“What?” Sam asked, his face contorting with confusion. “Why?”

“Because I- Shut up and move!” Dean snapped his phone shut and exhaled. “Dumbass,” he muttered.

Sam moved his head away from his cell in a jerk and looked to check that he had indeed hung up on him. He exhaled and indicated to Troy again before he made a beeline for the restroom at the back. He opened the door and expected Dean to be standing at the mirror or urinals but stepped inside slowly when he saw no one was.

“Dean?” he said, wary of looking for another man in the restrooms.

“Sam,” Dean said, Sam looking to the cubicles when he heard him.

“What’s going on?” Sam asked as the door closed behind him.

“Is there anyone else in here?” Dean asked in response to the noise.

“Uh…” Sam moved around to the cubicles and pushed the closed ones to check. “No,” he said and stood outside Dean’s locked door. “What’s wrong?”

“I-” Dean paused, closing his eyes in embarrassment. “I have a problem.”

Sam paused. “Do you want me to get some Pepto?” he asked.

“No, no,” Dean said. “Not that kinda problem.” He exhaled and muttered,” Damnit,” to himself. “Sam, I got… blood coming outta me.”

“What?” Sam asked. “Like a stab wound?” he asked in a panic, suddenly thinking that the suspect could have circled and come in the back. He reached for his gun, in its holster on his hip.

“No, no,” Dean said again. “Like- Damnit, Sam, it’s after my heat-”

Sam’s mouth became a perfect ‘o’ and his hand dropped from his gun. “Oh,” he said.

“Yeah, oh,” Dean repeated, feeling like an idiot.

Sam looked around him and saw the machine in the corner he’d expected to see. He walked towards it, stuffing his hand in his pocket and rummaging for change, which he brought out in a handful he could barely contain. “I have change, I’ll get-” He looked around at Dean. “I know you hate ‘em but we’ll get you a pad and it’ll be fine-”

“Sam, no-” Dean shook his head slowly in the cubicle.

“Dean, it’s perfectly normal, I know you hate it, I know you think it’s like a diaper but it’s not. It’ just-”

“Sam, that’s not-”

Sam stormed back to the door, still trying to find a dollar coin in his handful. “Listen to me, Dean, this is part of your life now and I guess – because I don’t know – that it has to feel disgusting and degrading or like a curse but you have risen to everything,” Dean rolled his eyes, “that life had thrown at you so this is nothing You’re gonna put your pad on and take it like a big boy, damnit!”

There was a pause while Sam straightened up, not realizing he’d leaned close to the door as he’d spoken, and inhaled.

“Sam, I understand and I’ll wear the damn diaper thing but I can’t right no.”

“Why not?” Sam asked, agitated.

“Because I need new underpants, Sam,” Dean said, through gritted teeth and then let his head fall into his hands.

“Oh,” Sam said again. “Right,” he said and piled his change back into his pocket. “Um, are your pants okay?”

Dean lifted his head, he hadn’t even though about that. The idea that he could have been walking around or sitting in his car with blood on his pants made him feel sick. He pulled them apart from his underpants and checked them on both sides. He breathed a sigh of relief when they were okay.

“Yeah, they’re fine,” he said. “Just.” He exhaled again, thinking that another a few minutes and he may not have been.

“Okay, stay here, I’ll get you some underpants and we’ll take it from there,” Sam said and walked towards the door.

“Sam!” Dean said.

Sam stopped and turned, his hand on the handle for the door. “Yeah?” he said.

“Get some painkillers too,” he said.

“Yeah, okay,” Sam said. “Don’t worry, I got it.” He left the room.

Dean smiled to himself a little. “Never doubted you,” he said.


End file.
